


Where You Are

by sakabelle



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sexual Content, Slash, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2013-06-19
Packaged: 2017-12-12 07:28:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 61,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/808917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakabelle/pseuds/sakabelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall’s always been one to keep it all together and hold it all inside. Piece by piece, his world begins to crumble. Afraid and alone, he spends his time in a mix of substance abuse and one-night stands.</p><p>Unbeknownst to him, Liam’s scared too. Scared because the one person he loves most in the world is spiraling out of control, and he fears he won’t be able to save him until it’s too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Regrets Unravelling

Niall barely made it to the bathroom in time before crashing his knees down in front of the toilet and emptying the contents of his stomach. He clutched the sides of the bowl as he heaved, barely able to catch his breath. Tears stung his eyes; he would have been worried he might choke if his mind wasn’t so crowded with other thoughts.

When he was finished, he lifted his shaky arm to flush and collapsed on the floor. He ached all over. His back was in pain, his stomach hurt from being twisted up in knots only moments ago. His head hurt and there was a dull throbbing sensation behind his eyes. But most of all, Niall’s heart pounded in his chest, feeling as though it might literally break at any second.

He took short, shallow breaths as the cold tile of the floor pressed against his cheek. Oddly enough, it soothed Niall ever so slightly. The coolness seeped into his skin and brought a little bit of colour back to his face. Still, beads of sweat lined his forehead and matted down his soft blonde hair.

He kicked the door closed with his foot. Normally, he hated tight spaces, but in that moment he really couldn’t care less. He groaned slightly, closing his eyes.

In the darkness, all he could see was her face. Her beautiful face that was now gone, taken from the world. She’d done it herself, but Niall knew better. He knew that no matter what had happened at the bitter end, this was all his fault. The fact that she’d taken her own life was merely a detail in a bigger story. The root cause would always be traced back to him. He would always be the reason that she was no longer breathing.

He was sure he would never be able to forgive himself.

Even though there were hot tears brimming his eyelids, Niall couldn’t bring himself to actually cry. He was still much too in shock. One moment he’d been sitting on the bus enjoying a quick game of Call of Duty with Louis, the next his phone was ringing.

Even though it was just moments ago, he had to slowly piece it all back together. He must have answered the phone, thinking it was a little strange that Alicia’s mother would be calling him. He had assumed that she would have wanted nothing to do with him after all that had happened between the two of them. Niall had thought she was out of his life for good.

And now, he supposed, she was.

The soft, sad words rang through Niall’s mind like bells. Over and over again he heard them.

_“Niall… Alicia’s gone… we found her in the bathroom this morning. She took a whole bottle of anti-depressants. I’m sorry… I just thought you should know.”_

She just thought he should know. If he wasn’t so sick, he would have been outraged by her choice of words. Why did she think that he ought to know? Why was it so important that she call and tell him this awful news?

Niall knew the answer to that. It was because Alicia’s mother was loving and considerate. She would have done anything for her daughter, and she loved her unconditionally. She had to be in shock, she had to be grieving. Niall had been a part of their family by extension for so long, that it must have only felt natural to let him know what had happened.

Not to mention that he was the reason for her depression. He was the reason that she’d probably had the medication in the first place. Niall briefly wondered if Alicia’s mother had called to tell him just to hurt him. So that he would feel the same overwhelming pain that her daughter had felt.

The loss and the dull heartache that would never quite go away.

But in that moment, none of those things mattered to him. Niall pressed his eyes closed and tried to steady his breathing as the bile began to rise in his throat again. The more he thought about it, the more it made him sick.

He didn’t know what he was supposed to be feeling.

Guilt was the easiest and what seemed to overshadow every other emotion that was running through his body. He began to wonder if there was something he could have said or done differently. He wondered why Alicia hadn’t just called him and told him what was wrong.

It was another question he knew the answer to. Alicia hadn’t called him in ages. He could hardly remember the last time they’d spoken. It had probably just been formalities. Nothing serious. No long winded goodbye.

Still, he would have listened. He swore to himself he would have listened. But now she was gone, and the only thing that Niall could hear was silence.

***

Louis sat on the bus staring blankly at the television screen. He sighed as he leaned back onto the palms of his hands and waited for Niall to return to their game.

“What are you doing?” Harry asked him, giving him a raised eyebrow.

Louis just shrugged. “Waiting for Niall to come back.”

“Where’d he go?” Harry asked, still giving Louis a weird look. “You’ve been sitting there forever.”

Louis shrugged. “I don’t know. His phone rang. It must have been important because he walked off rather quickly.”

“Probably some girl,” Harry laughed, going back to playing with his own phone.

Louis nodded his head in agreement as he looked back at the television screen. “Probably.”

It was no secret that ever since his breakup with Alicia, Niall had become something of a manwhore. The others hadn’t said much to him about it, they figured he just needed to get it out of his system. After everything that had happened to him, a relationship was the last thing that Niall wanted to jump back into.

So instead, he took full advantage of the fact that there were no shortage of girls willing to jump into bed with him.

After a couple minutes of silence, Liam walked into the entertainment room and eyed Louis and Harry. “Where’s Niall?” he asked, holding up the blonde boy’s Blackberry. “His phone was just lying on the ground where anyone could step on it.”

Harry and Louis gave each other a look. “I don’t know,” Louis said. “He left when he got a call and hasn’t been back since.”

The three boys stood there silently for a moment before Liam piped up. “Well, it’s not like there’s many places he could be. It’s a bus after all.”

The others nodded in agreement. “Well, when you find him, tell him that he’s going to have to wait to get his turn in Call of Duty,” Harry said, moving to sit beside Louis on the floor and picking up the spare controller. “Because his spot just got taken.”

Liam rolled his eyes and walked out of the entertainment room. Normally he wouldn’t be so impatient, but Niall’s discarded phone worried him. Niall’s phone was almost like his life force, as he was constantly texting and on twitter.

That, and Liam had always been over protective of Niall. He walked through the area with the bunks, but only saw Zayn sleeping in his. The curtain of Niall’s was drawn, and all that sat in it was his laptop and backpack.

Niall wasn’t in the kitchenette either.

So, Liam deducted, he must have been in the bathroom. He glanced over in that direction, and his suspicions were confirmed as the door was closed. He shook his head a bit, but didn’t go looking for his friend. It was widely known that Niall liked to cure tour bus boredom by having what he referred to as “quality time” in there.

Liam pushed the image out of his mind, just as he always did. He tried not to let himself think about Niall that way – it never led to anything good.

So he sauntered back to the entertainment room and sat down on the couch. He watched Louis and Harry play their game for a few minutes. Soon enough, the round ended. The two boys laughed and were about to start playing again, when they saw Niall walk into the doorway.

He leaned against the frame, but didn’t really make eye contact with any of them. The colour had come back to his face, but it was still whiter than usual. His eyes were red and he looked at the ground with a lost expression.

“You back for another round?” Louis asked, holding up the controlled over his head, ignoring Niall’s obvious distraught expression.

“Huh?” Niall asked, looking up at him. He’d nearly forgot he’d been playing games with Louis before the phonecall. It seemed like hours ago, when in reality it had only been about ten minutes.

“Call of Duty. I was whooping you,” Louis explained, giving him an odd look.

“Oh,” Niall said, not moving from his position.

Louis and Harry gave each other a look. They just shrugged, and looked back at the screen, intending to start playing the game themselves again. It was clear Niall wasn’t in the mood.

Liam, on the other hand, looked at Niall with concern. Over the past year, he’d seen Niall looking lost and distraught a number of times, but nothing like this. He looked empty… which was alarming. Under all the drama Niall had dealt with, he’d somehow still managed to keep his head up.

“Niall, you okay?” he asked carefully.

“Uh,” Niall gulped, trying to remember to breathe. “Yeah… Alicia’s dead.”

With that, Louis and Harry snapped their heads away from their game and looked at Niall. Liam’s eyes grew wide. He certainly hadn’t expected Niall to say that. And Niall was still standing there, his mouth hanging half open, looking as though he didn’t know what to do, and like he hadn’t quite registered the information himself.

“W…what?” Louis stammered.

“What happened?” Harry asked, his voice full of curiosity and disbelief.

Niall looked down at the two of them. Normally he would have made a joke about them playing off each other, and how alike they were, two peas in a pod, he would have said. But at that moment he didn’t care. “She killed herself.”

There was a thick silence in the room after that. No one said a word. No one asked why. That was a question they knew Niall wouldn’t be able to answer. Besides, they were sure they already knew why.

“I think I’m goin’ to go lay down…” Niall said, leaving the room slowly and presumably walking towards his bunk.

Liam, Harry and Louis shared a look. It took a couple moments before any of them spoke up, making sure to do so only once Niall was no longer within earshot.

“Do you think one of us should go check on him?” Louis asked quietly. “I can’t believe she…” he trailed off, not daring to say it.

“You can’t?” Harry asked in disbelief. “She was always calling him crying before they broke up. It wasn’t like she was all sunshine and roses. She was really unhappy.”

“Harry…” Liam cautioned.

“What?” Harry asked, looking at him. “It’s not like it wasn’t true, just because she died, it doesn’t change that.”

Louis rolled his eyes, ignoring Harry’s ranting. It wasn’t going to help anything. “Should we go check on him?” he asked again, looking up at Liam.

If anyone was going to go check on Niall, it would have been Liam. They’d been the first in the group to become close friends, and were arguably closer than even Louis and Harry. But along with that, Liam also knew Niall inside and out. “No,” he said slowly. “I think we’ll just give him some time to come to terms with this.”

Louis nodded and looked back at Harry. They both went back to their game with an unspoken understanding that now, they were in need of a distraction from this devastating news.

Liam looked over at the doorway where Niall had been standing only moments ago. His heart broke for his best friend. Even though all he wanted to do was go over to the bunk and comfort Niall, he withheld. There was nothing he could do for him at the moment, he knew Niall wasn’t ready to talk. But when he was, Liam was ready to listen.


	2. Fighting to Let You Go

Liam had been in love with Niall since the blonde boy’s nineteenth birthday party.

Coincidentally, and almost heart-breakingly, that had been the same night when Niall and Alicia had met. Liam remembered it well.

_The VIP section of the club was loud. Not as loud as the rest of the club, but still loud and still not the most ideal place for people to sit and talk. But, it had been where Niall had wanted to spend his birthday, and seeing as he was stuck in London for the evening instead of being able to go home to Mullingar, it would have to do._

_Eleanor and Louis were the last to show up. The raced up the stairs and entered the little area that their group was sitting in, looking down at the plush couches._

_“Hey,” Louis said, taking a seat beside Harry and pulling Eleanor down into his lap. “Sorry we’re late.”_

_“You’re always late,” Zayn said seriously, giving the two of them a look._

_“Ah, sorry,” spoke a girl that Liam didn’t recognize. She was skinny, but not quite tall. She had long brown hair that was slightly wavy and wore a shy and friendly smile as she sat down beside Louis and Eleanor. “It was my fault, I was taking too long to get ready.”_

_Everyone just looked at her, and Liam felt a little better about not knowing who she was. Evidently, no one else did either._

_“Oh, guys, this is my friend Alicia. I invited her along, I hope that’s alright,” Eleanor smiled, looking around at the others for approval, before setting her gaze on Niall for a moment. “Happy birthday, love,” she said, grinning at him._

_“Yeah, thanks,” Niall replied, leaning over shake Alicia’s hand. “Hey,” he said simply. “I’m Niall.”_

_“Hey,” she replied shyly, taking his hand and holding it for a moment longer than Liam felt she should have. The two of them looked at each other for a couple of seconds before breaking apart with awkward smiles._

_The whole evening he watched Niall and Alicia interact, he felt himself growing slightly frustrated, and he couldn’t for the life of him figure out why. Perhaps it was because they’d taken this time to organize a nice birthday party for him, but he only seemed to be interested in talking to her._

_That was nonsense, Liam told himself. Absolute nonsense. It had been a long time since Niall had taken such a liking to a girl. Hell, he hadn’t even had a long-term girlfriend since before they’d been on The X Factor. (Unless a two week fling with Demi Lovato counted.)_

_It was silly, he told himself. Silly that he was jealous over the attention Niall was giving this girl, instead of the attention he was neglecting to show him._

_And that was when Liam realized that his feelings for Niall may possibly have been stronger that just those of friendship._

“What’s the craic, guys?” Niall asked, breaking Liam out of his thoughts and startling him.

He and Zayn had been sitting at the kitchenette of the bus, sipping tea and just enjoying the morning. Well, Liam had been lost in his own thoughts anyway. Zayn was on his phone, presumably texting Perrie.

They both looked up at Niall, unsure of what to say or do. His attitude seemed to be a complete one-eighty from what it had been the night before. In fact, if Liam hadn’t know any better, he’d have thought he’d dreamt the whole thing. Niall seemed to be back to his old, cheerful self.

“Morning, Niall,” Zayn said, when Liam couldn’t find the words. “You’re up early.”

Yes, that was true. Niall was always the last one awake and often had to be dragged out of bed for whatever appearance they had scheduled.

“Well, I did go to bed early,” he shrugged.

That was an understatement. Niall hadn’t left his bunk the entire evening the night before. Not that anyone could say they blamed him, given the circumstances.

“Right…” Zayn replied, glancing at Liam. Liam could tell that Zayn was looking at him for support, as he really didn’t know what to say. And Liam, well, Liam usually knew exactly what to say. They didn’t call him Daddy Direction for nothing.

“Do you want some tea?” he asked Niall, eyeing him. He decided it was best to not mention anything for the moment.

“No thanks,” Niall replied. “We got any food though? I missed dinner last night…” he muttered, rummaging through the small cupboards looking for something to eat.

“Yeah,” Liam said, as he and Zayn continued to watch Niall somewhat intently. “There’s donuts in the fridge.”

“The fridge?” Niall asked, looking back at him with his eyebrow raised, but then quickly opening the vacum sealed door. “Ah, here we go!”

“Yeah, we wanted to keep them fresh,” Zayn said as Niall sat down beside him, placing the box of donuts on the table, after taking one out and stuffing a large bite into his mouth.

“Right,” Niall said, glancing at the two of them.

There was an awkward silence after that. At least, Liam felt it was awkward. Niall seemed to be perfectly content eating donuts, which only served to make the moment more strange. Was it not just yesterday he had looked empty and lifeless at the thought of his ex-girlfriend’s death?

It wasn’t exactly out of character for Niall to be back to his old, happy-go-lucky self so quickly after something upset him… but these weren’t exactly normal circumstances, either.

“Well, I’m going to go lay back down for a bit,” Zayn said, nodding at the two of them as he got up to leave.

Once Zayn was gone, Liam looked across the table at Niall. He sighed. He couldn’t imagine what he must have been going through. Even Liam himself was still saddened by the news. Niall and Alicia had dated for over a year – she’d gotten to know all of the boys. Niall wasn’t the only one who her death was affecting.

Although, it didn’t seem it was really affecting him at all. “Niall…” Liam began, knowing his friend may have been just acting as though he had it together, when really, he was torn up inside.

He’d seen that happen a lot over the past few months.

“Yeah?” Niall asked, looking up at Liam with bright eyes and a mouth full of donut.

Liam shook his head and gave Niall a small smile. It was obvious Niall didn’t want to talk about it. But Liam knew – even though his eyes were bright – they were missing something. That light that was always there didn’t shine as clear as it had before.

“Nothing,” he said finally, with a small laugh. “You’re just getting powdered sugar everywhere.”

***

That night, Niall was back in his bunk. They had spent the last couple of days travelling, and he was eager to get back on stage and start performing again. He needed rush of being on stage and most of all, he needed the distraction.

He opened up his laptop, and frowned when he looked at his background. It was a photo of him and Alicia, taken shortly after they’d started dating. He’d never bothered to change it, but now, just looking at her bright and smiling face made his chest hurt.

He opened up his folder of pictures and looked for something, anything, to change his desktop to. Unfortunately, he wasn’t really one for saving pictures on his computer. Most of them were on his phone. He looked around a little more and finally decided on a picture of himself, Liam and Louis on stage in Florida the year before. It looked a little pixelated since it wasn’t quite the right size, but it was good enough for the moment.

Still, the damage had already been done. While he thought he’d done a good job of spending the day distracting himself and trying to act as if everything were normal, as soon as he’d seen the picture it had all come flooding back.

_It was like there was electricity the first time Niall had touched Alicia, and he had simply touched her hand. She smiled at him shyly, and he pulled away, but still kept his eye on her._

_Perhaps, without even intending to, Eleanor had given him the best birthday present out of everyone._

_“Where are you from, Alicia?” Niall asked after a couple of seconds of silence._

_“London,” she said, still smiling at him sweetly. “I’ve lived here my whole life. But you’re not from here, are you?”_

_Niall shook his head. “I live here, but I was born in Ireland.”_

_“I’ve never been to Ireland,” she said, still giving him the same shy look. Niall felt drawn to her, and it probably was because she seemed so reserved. Normally, the types of girls he went after were more forward._

_The ones that were more likely to have a one night stand. Being away from home so long made it difficult for him to have any sort of relationship. It was strange, he didn’t see any sort of sexual encounter happening with Alicia any time soon, but he was still interested in talking to her and getting to know her. He was still attracted to her._

_“You should come visit sometime,” he said a little flirtatiously. “It’s really beautiful there.”_

_She giggled a little, appearing to get a bit more comfortable around him. “Maybe I will.”_

Niall snapped his laptop shut and rolled over onto his side. He closed his eyes and tried to think of something else. He wasn’t going to allow himself to get overly upset about Alicia. It wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t be held responsible.

Those were her actions. She’d taken her own life. She’d fallen in love with him. She’d made the first move. She’d told him she wanted him to be her first.

His breathing grew unsteady as he curled up and hugged his knees to his chest. He didn’t think he loved her any more… when they’d broken up he’d gone through a period of being sad, but their relationship was effectively already dead before it was over.

It was so quiet on the bus that Niall knew everyone would hear him crying, so he took his pillow and scrunched up it against his face. It was getting wet on account of his tears, but he didn’t really care as his body shook with sadness.

He tried to hold it in for a couple minutes, but it was no use. The pillow did little to muffle the noise and soon the wooden beam beside his bunk was being knocked on.

“Nialler?”

It was Liam.

Niall took a deep breath and pulled back the curtain. He attempted to give Liam a look of annoyance, but the concern on his friend’s face made that impossible. He leaned over and wrapped his arms around the older boy’s neck, clinging to him as he sobbed.

Liam didn’t say anything, he just let Niall cry. Despite all that had happened to him, this was one of the first times he’d actually seen Niall break down and allow himself to feel sad.

Though he didn’t like seeing his friend in this much pain, he knew it was probably good for him to let it out.

Eventually, Niall managed to calm down. He pulled away from Liam and looked at him. That was the nice thing about the close bond they shared. He wasn’t embarrassed, he didn’t feel ashamed of himself. Instead, Niall wore a look of gratitude.

“Thanks,” he said softly, wiping his eyes a little.

“It’s what I’m here for,” Liam replied. “Anytime you need to talk. I know it can’t be easy for you.”

Niall nodded, suddenly feeling exhausted. The last two days had been rough on him, and though he still felt depressed, his mind was a little clearer than it had been earlier. “I think I’m just going to go to sleep.”

Liam understood. Now wasn’t the time for a heart to heart. “Okay buddy, try to get a good rest.”

“Thanks,” Niall said, pulling the curtain closed once again.

Liam laid back down in his own bunk and closed his eyes. His heart was breaking for his friend, and he wished there was something more he could do for him. But he knew nothing he did or said would bring Alicia back, nor would it change anything that had happened in the past year.


	3. Senses Into Overdrive

Performing had always been a high for Niall. After the last couple of traumatic days (to say the very least) he had been eager to get back out on stage and do his thing. To get lost in the music and the screaming fans and forget about everything that was going on in his life for an hour and a half. That was a the rush that he lived for. He needed it, he craved it.

Liam glanced over at Niall as he sang  _Summer of 69_. The blonde boy bounced around the stage like he hadn’t a care in the world. He belted out the lyrics and stuck his hand out to the crowd dramatically. Yes, he was a true performer in every sense of the word, and the song was made for him. Liam smiled to himself, thinking about how happy Niall had been when they’d agreed to add that to the setlist as their cover for the tour.

Clearly, the fans agreed. They always screamed the loudest when Niall held onto the long note before the bridge. When Niall pulled the microphone away from his mouth he glanced out at the crowd and smiled – a real, genuine smile. He felt on top of the world, like nothing could touch him.

Of course, as soon as the concert was over, and they were back in the hotel for the night, that feeling was gone. Because once again, there were no more screaming fans, there was no more music, no more rush of adrenaline. Just himself, four walls and the memories that haunted him.

He laid back down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. Try as he might, he couldn’t stop thinking about Alicia. It was strange – he hadn’t thought much about her since their breakup, but now that she was gone, she was always in the back of his mind.

He hated himself.

_Six months after Niall and Alicia had made their relationship official, she had gone to the states to visit him on tour. She was to be there for the last week of the tour, and then Niall would travel back to London with her. The entire summer, she’d been excited for the trip, having never been to the USA before._

_When she arrived at the boys’ hotel, she headed straight for the conference room Niall had told her they were rehearsing for their acoustic show in. She gave a quick nod to Paul when she entered the room, where the boys were sitting at the front, singing._

_“Now I’m climbing the walls… but you don’t notice at all…” Niall sang, tensing up and embracing the microphone. Alicia giggled. He was always so dramatic on stage. “That I’m-” he looked up and saw Alicia standing there with a distraught look on her face, and the rest of the lyric was immediately forgotten._

_“Lish,” he said, darting off the stage and running to her. He wasted no time in pulling her into his arms and kissing her forcefully._

_“Oi, Niall!” Liam called. Niall broke away from Alicia and looked back. “We’re in the middle of the song.”_

_“Yeah,” Niall said, looking back at Alicia apologetically._

_“Let’s take five,” Louis suggested, looking over at Liam. “He’s obviously more interested in seeing her than rehearsing with us, and I’m hungry.”_

_Niall ignored the mindless chatter that was going on behind him as he gingerly touched Alicia’s face. “Did you have a good flight?”_

_Alicia nodded. “I need to talk to you,” she said quietly. The scared look in her eyes was still there, and Niall didn’t have a clue what could possibly have been wrong. She hadn’t come all this way just to break up with him, had she? That wouldn’t have made any sense._

_“Why? What’s up?” he asked, trying to keep his tone light, as though he wasn’t worried about what she might say._

_Alicia bit her lip and shook her head. “Not here. Can we go back to your room?”_

_Niall glanced back at the others. They were probably going to have to get back to rehearsing shortly. He looked back at Alicia. She really did look distraught, and it was beginning to really scare him. “All right,” he nodded. “Hey, lads, we’re going up to the room for a minute,” he called out, taking Alicia’s hand._

_“Don’t be too long,” Liam called after the two of them. Niall ignored the rest of the comments that were made._

_He grabbed her suitcase and wheeled it down the hall as he led her to where his hotel room was. He shut the door behind him and looked at her. “So?” he asked, crossing his arms over his chest._

_Alicia looked at the floor and played with the straps on her purse. “I… well,”_

_Niall searched her face, trying to find something, anything that would give him an indication of what she was about to say. But nothing would prepare him for the words that came next as she looked up at him and sighed._

_“I’m pregnant.”_

Niall was certain he would never forget that moment, as it was when everything in his life had begun to change. He remembered the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, and how he’d hugged Alicia in his arms as she cried, telling him that she hadn’t told anyone yet, and that she didn’t know what to do, and how sorry she was.

He was sure he’d done all of those things automatically, because he’d been in shock.

He shook his head, getting up off the hotel room bed and running a hand through his hair. It did him no use to think about such things. They only made him upset, and he couldn’t change the past. He grabbed his room key and wallet off the table and left the room, putting his hands in his pockets as he walked through the halls.

“Hey mate,” Harry said to him, as they passed in the hall. “Where’re you off to?”

“Going out,” Niall said shortly.

“I’ll go with you,” Harry said, looking at him hopefully. Over the past little while, the two of them had become something of a unit, hitting up the clubs together and being each other’s wingmen.

But not that night. Niall didn’t want any of the other boys to go with him. He wanted to go alone. To get lost in the music in a club and possibly find another girl and take his mind off everything by clouding it with alcohol and endorphins. “No, that’s all right,” Niall said, trying to fake a smile. “I’m goin’ to meet someone,” he lied. “Next time though, Haz,” he nodded at him as he walked off.

“Right,” Harry said, looking at the Irish boy strangely as he walked off. Something seemed off about him, but he disregarded it. Understandably so, Niall had been in a weird mood for the past couple of days and all of the boys were giving him the space he needed. “Next time, then.”

***

The music in the club was loud, and Niall was easily able to lose himself in it. There were a lot of people in the club, and though most of them knew who he was, they let him be. Just as they always did. That was the nice thing about being in the UK – people were more chill. They let him do his thing, especially when he was out at the bar having a good time.

It also helped that he was able to easily get into the VIP section. Which he often did. It took a lot for him to get drunk, and after a few beers, he switched to Jack Daniel’s. That always helped to get him buzzed and feeling good. But that day, the alcohol was not helping him, and it was only making him feel slightly sick. He tried his best to dance and shake it off, but it wasn’t working. The high that he needed wasn’t happening.

“Hey Niall,” one of the guys in the little group he’d found said to him. “Come over here for a sec.”

He downed the rest of his drink and set the glass down on a random table while he followed him over to the secluded area. “Yeah?”

“You look like you need a pick me up,” he said, taking a small plastic bag out of his pockets, filled with white powder. “You know what this is?”

Niall gulped. Yes, he knew what that was. He’d been in the music industry long enough to know. Hell, he’d been going to clubs and parties long enough to know. “Yeah,” he said, shrugging as though it wasn’t a big deal. Even though he’d never done cocaine before and had always sworn he wouldn’t, seeing what it had done to other musicians.

The guy nodded, bopping his head to the beat of the music and poured some onto the small table, separating it out with a credit card into two thin lines. “You wanna do a hit?”

“Yeah,” Niall said, against his better judgement. One time wasn’t going to hurt anything. One time would give him the energy he needed to recapture the high that he missed when he wasn’t on stage.

The guy grinned, taking a hollowed out pen out of his pockets, leaned over the table and snorted the first of the two lines. He sat back up with a satisfied look on his face and held out the pen to Niall.

Niall grabbed it from him with fake confidence, as though he’d done this a million times before. Without thinking about it, he leaned over and breathed in the last of the powder that was thinly lined up on the surface. His heart was pounding, and as the drugs entered his system, began pounding even harder still. He swallowed slightly, and looked up, blinking and taking in his surroundings.

Suddenly, he began to feel a lot better.

“Yeah, that’s good shit,” the guy said with a laugh.

Yes, Niall had to agree with that. The music seemed to get better, the dark atmosphere in the club seemed to get brighter. He tapped his foot to the beat and grinned, singing along to the old Rihanna song that was playing.

_“’Cause I may be bad, but I’m perfectly good at it, sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it…”_ he sang loudly, as he laughed to himself.

The guy patted Niall on the back as he got up and walked away. Just as he did this, one of the girls Niall had been dancing with sat down beside him, trailing her hand along his back.

“You’re really hot,” she whispered into his ear, looking at him lustfully.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, not caring about his obvious cocky attitude. Because he was really hot, and he knew it. Everyone in the club knew it.

She put her hand underneath his chin and tilted his head towards hers. She looked different than Alicia – different than the leggy brunette type he usually went for. She was shorter than him, her hair was bleached blonde, but he didn’t care. He didn’t need to stay with her forever – only for the night.

He kissed her forcefully, adrenaline racing through his veins as he put her hands on him. He slid over closer to her, not caring who saw them or paid attention. He kept his eyes firmly closed as his lips moved against hers roughly.

“You got a hotel around here?” she asked, pulling away from him slightly.

Yes, he did have a hotel around there. No, he wasn’t about to take her to it. For some reason, through all the intoxicants that were running through his system, his mind very clearly screamed at him to not take any girls back to his hotel room. To have to sleep next to someone once it was over, or to have to go through the hassle of kicking her out once they were finished just wasn’t something Niall wanted to deal with at all.

“Come on,” he said, taking her hand and dragging her through the club to one of the bathrooms. He didn’t pay any attention to the fact that there were other people in there as he pulled her into one of the stalls and latched the door.

He pushed her up against the wall and kissed her again. “Ugh,” he moaned, as he took her hand and placed it on his jeans, overtop of his throbbing crotch.

“Fuck me, Niall,” she said, unzipping his fly and moving to hike up her skirt.

“No,” he grunted, breathing heavily and pushing her head downwards. He didn’t want to do any of the work – and he knew he wouldn’t have to.

She rolled her eyes a little, but obliged. Niall couldn’t care less about her obvious attitude as she knelt down in front of him and took his cock in her mouth. He tangled his hands in her short blonde hair as she sucked on him, swirling her tongue around the tip before taking in his entire length.

“Ugh,” he groaned, digging his hands into the back of her head as he fucked her mouth. He’d never felt anything like this before and could barely contain himself. “Harder,” he groaned, and she did as she was told, slightly raking her teeth against him.

“Oh God.” he leaned back against the wall as she did that, not caring who heard him. It was loud enough in the club anyway, and the bass of the music could be heard thumping around them. He closed his eyes as pleasure and adrenaline ran through his body. “Ah, fuck,” he moaned, his toes curling up inside his shoes. He put one hand on the stall door to stabilize himself.

His breathing got heavier and heavier and everything around him heightened his senses. The girl’s mouth around his dick, the music, even the light lemon scent in the bathroom was strong. He squeezed his eyes shut, almost unable to handle all of what was happening at once. He tried his best to concentrate on the blow job he nearly forgot he was getting, but it was difficult with so much going on.

He put his hands back on the back of her head and thrust into her mouth forcefully. If the girl was in pain at all, she didn’t show it and took everything he was doing in stride. He groaned, concentrating as hard as he could on the tingling sensation she was giving him.

She took his length out of her mouth and concentrated just on the tip, flicking her tongue against it. That was enough to finally send him over the edge after what seemed like forever. “Fuck,” he groaned, thrusting back into her mouth as he came. “Swallow it all,” he moaned, leaning his head back.

And she did. The girls always did as he said, and though he was a selfish dick in bed lately, they didn’t seem to care. Any chance to be with him, they would take. “Ugh,” he sighed, leaning backwards, his heart still pounding, not slowing down as it normally did once he was done. “You can go now,” he said, opening his eyes slightly.

And she did, just like they always did. No one ever dared argue with him, and he didn’t care. He liked it better that way. He breathed deeply, trying to calm himself down, but with no avail. After the girl left, he closed the stall door again, zipping his pants back up and continuing to lean against the wall.

His mouth hung open and he blinked several times. He swallowed, trying to steady himself, but his heart raced and he couldn’t come down from the high that he was on. And, quite frankly, he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

As he tilted his head back, he looked up at the dark ceiling.

What the  _fuck_  was he doing?


	4. Shattered

Liam stood outside Niall’s hotel room door the next morning. For the third time, he knocked on it. He was beginning to get concerned.

Well, not beginning to. He had been concerned about him for a long time. But, in this specific instance, he was starting to wonder why his friend wasn’t answering the door.

His concern was only worsened when Niall finally did open the door. He had dark circles around his eyes, was still wearing his clothes from the night before and, quite honestly, looked awful.

“Morning,” Liam said carefully.

“Morning,” Niall muttered, rubbing his eyes. “Is it time to go already?”

Liam eyed him, wondering what kind of trouble he’d gotten into the night before. He’d known that he had gone out on his own, probably to a club, and that he’d come back quite late. But the details of what had happened while he was out were still relatively unknown to everyone.

“Yeah,” Liam said finally. “Uh,” he peeked inside the room, “there’s no one else in there with you, right?”

Niall shook his head. “No, it’s just me.”

Liam breathed an internal sigh of relief, and then mentally berated himself. It didn’t matter who Niall was sleeping with or what he was doing. That type of information shouldn’t affect him at all.

But it always did. Every time Niall talked about another one of his conquests, it hurt. And Liam tried to tell himself it was because he didn’t like the person that Niall was becoming, and because he knew he was better than just having a string of one night stands. Of course, he always found himself knowing the truth – he was jealous. Jealous of all the girls who got to be with him, and kiss him, and be naked with him…

Liam really hated it when those thoughts creeped into his mind. Mostly because he didn’t know what to do with them.

“Well, I’ll try to buy you some time,” he said with a small smile. “But the buses are leaving in five minutes, so you’d best hurry up.”

Niall nodded. “Thanks, Li.”

He shut the door and leaned against it slightly, head in his hand. He was so tired and sick feeling. It made sense – he hadn’t been able to fall asleep until nearly five in the morning. He figured that was a side effect of what he’d done.

Which was cocaine. Which terrified him so much that he shuddered.

He pushed the memories of the night before out of his mind as he gathered up his things in the room and stuffed them into his duffel bag. He glanced longingly at the bathroom on his way out. Unfortunately, there wasn’t enough time for a shower, and he’d just have to wait until they checked in to the next hotel.

He rushed downstairs to where the bus was waiting. After mumbling a quick greeting to Paul, he hopped onto their tour bus and headed straight for his bunk, tossing his duffel bag inside before crawling in and closing his eyes.

Liam watched as he did this, and looked at the others.

“Is he okay?” Harry asked, glancing up at Liam from where they were sitting in the kitchenette.

Liam shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“I haven’t seen him this depressed since… well, you know,” Harry said slowly, giving Liam a look.

Liam sighed. Yes, that was true. Niall had spent the past few months in a constant state of drama, but the only other time he’d truly seemed as lost as he did currently was just after he’d found out Alicia was pregnant.

_“I need to talk to you,” Niall said shortly as he walked right past Liam and into the older boy’s hotel room._

_“I’m busy,” Liam said irritably, glancing over at where Danielle was sitting on the bed. Feelings for Niall or not, he was still with Danielle, and he had still been planning on getting laid that night._

_“Right,” Niall said, glancing over at Danielle. “Really sorry, Dani, but it’s important.”_

_Danielle sighed, but obliged. “I’m going to go downstairs for a coffee. I’ll be back in a bit,” she said, giving Liam a kiss on the cheek before leaving the room._

_As soon as she was gone, Niall groaned and threw him self down on the bed._

_“What?” Liam asked, still slightly irritated, but curious as to what was so important that Niall had to come barging into the room._

_“I fucked up,” Niall said, covering his hands with his face. “I fucked up so bad.”_

_Liam sat down on the plush chair in the room and looked over at his best friend. “Why? What’d you do?”_

_Niall muttered something inaudible, and Liam furrowed his eyebrows. “What?”_

_“I got Alicia pregnant,” Niall said again, only slightly louder this time._

_Liam gaped at him. How was that even possible? Well, he knew how it was possible, of course, but how was it possible that Niall had been so stupid as to let that happen? “Good work,” he said sarcastically._

_“Ugh,” Niall groaned again, his hands still covering his face. “I’m in so much shit.”_

_“Are you guys sure?” Liam asked cautiously, not really knowing what to do in this situation. He was torn between feeling bad for his friend, and being angry with him for being so stupid._

_“Yeah,” Niall said with a sigh, sitting up. “She’s sure. She went to the doctor and everything before she came here.”_

_“So what are you doing sitting here with me then?” Liam asked, pointing out the obvious. Shouldn’t Niall be spending his time with Alicia, and comforting her? As far as Liam was concerned, this was something they should have been dealing with together._

_Niall shrugged. “She’s asleep in my room. We had a really long talk about it and she cried, and I cried and we both cried about it…”_

_Liam shrugged. “Well, I guess there’s not much you two can do about it, is there?”_

_“Actually…” Niall trailed off averting his gaze from Liam and staring down at the floor. “There is.”_

_Liam didn’t say anything, he just waited for Niall to continue. His friend looked so sad, so lost, and so broken. It was a far cry from how he usually was – so happy and carefree. It almost broke Liam’s heart – but then he remembered that Niall had completely brought this on himself._

_“I think…she’s going to have an abortion…” he said quietly._

_“Niall…” Liam said, looking at him carefully. He’d never expected that from him, in fact, it had been the last thing he’d thought would have come out of Niall’s mouth._

_“I know,” Niall said sharply, tears evident in his eyes. “I know. But what else can we do? I can’t raise a kid, Li, I can’t. Not now.”_

_Liam sighed. Instead of lecturing his friend, he just sat down on the bed beside him and pulled him in for a hug. “Sorry. I’ll support you in whatever decision you two make.”_

_“Thank you,” Niall said, and Liam allowed him to bury his head in his neck as hot tears soaked through his shirt. “I’m so sorry…” he trailed off, apologizing to no one in particular as he cried harder._

_And Liam just held him, like any good friend would._

Niall stayed in his bunk the entire bus ride to the next city. He dozed in and out of sleep, but didn’t feel very well rested. A combination of the light streaming in through the bus windows and the faint chatter of the other boys wasn’t helping. Not to mention the disgust with himself that kept creeping into his mind.

The scariest part about it was that though he knew drugging himself to forget about his problems was wrong and unhealthy, he found himself wanting to do it again. He missed the high he’d felt the night before. He felt alive again; like there wasn’t a crushing pain in his chest telling him that he’d done so much damage in the past year that he would never, ever be forgiven.

He could hear the others laughing and talking like they didn’t have a care in the world, and he envied them. They hadn’t been through what he’d been through. Their lives were perfect and easy. His was a mess. Though he tried his best to keep his spirits up and remain the same person he’d always been, with each passing day, it got harder.

He wondered if the others had noticed. He knew Liam had – Liam always noticed when something was wrong with him, no matter how miniscule. That was the great thing about their friendship. But now, Niall began to wonder if Liam (or the others) judged him and thought poorly of him.

They’d always appeared to be on his side – they sort of had to, being in the group and all. But Niall wondered how much of it was real. He closed his eyes and tried to drown out the happy sounds from his friends with the pillow, but it was no use. They had everything they needed with each other.

And he had nothing.


	5. Time Takes Time

Liam waited impatiently inside his hotel room. He tapped his foot on the ground and looked at the watch on his wrist. He looked up at the ceiling and sighed.

Waiting was brutal torture. Danielle was going to be arriving that day to join them for a couple of weeks on tour while she had some time off, but he didn’t know when exactly she was going to arrive. He’d wanted to go down to the lobby to meet her, but of course management hadn’t allowed that. Not with the exponential amount of fans that were waiting there.

So he continued to sit in the room impatiently. He fiddled with his phone, there was no response from Danielle yet indicating where she was. That wasn’t helping his situation. Liam scrolled through his contacts, and his finger landed on Niall’s name.

The boy had been asleep all day, and he had been out the night before. He hadn’t even gotten up to join them for breakfast. When Louis had gone to see if he’d wanted anything, Niall had grumbled something about being tired, and that he would wake up when it was time to go to the venue.

Liam frowned, but he hadn’t said or done anything more. How could he have? Niall was off in his own little world lately, and as much as the others had tried to pull him out of it, it simply wasn’t happening.

In time, Liam was sure that Niall would come around. And hopefully, that time would come soon. He missed his friend’s smiling face, infectious laugh and warm hugs. Now, he just looked like a cold and broken shell of his former self.

Liam’s thought process was interrupted by a light knock on his door. He hopped up from his bed and answered it quickly. It was Danielle.

For a split second, Liam was disappointed that it wasn’t the little Irish blonde. But then he quickly remembered that Danielle was his girlfriend and that he loved her. He loved  _her_  only her. At least, that was what he consistently told himself whenever she was around.

“Dani,” he said softly, wrapping her in a tight hug before she even had a chance to enter the room.

“Hi love,” she replied, standing on her toes to give him a kiss on the cheek before pulling away. She walked into the room and Liam shut the door behind them, not taking his eyes off her as he admired the way her body moved.

The two of them sat down on the hotel room bed and glanced at each other. Even though they spent a lot of time apart, coming back together was never awkward. It was comfortable and easy, as though they’d been together the whole time. “How was your flight?” Liam asked, tracing her skin with his finger.

“It was short,” she said brightly. “Just the way I like them.”

“That’s good,” he replied, looking at her. She’d always had a soft and calming aura about her, and Liam welcomed it. It wasn’t as though his own life had been hectic recently, but Niall’s certainly had. And even though Niall’s issues hadn’t reached Liam much, they were definitely affecting him.

Simply put, at the bare minimum, he was worried about his friend.

“What’s wrong?” Danielle asked, as if she knew something was off. It was easy to tell, after having been with Liam for so long.

Liam just shook his head. It wasn’t his place to tell her about the situation with Niall, and even if he wanted to he wasn’t sure what he would say. Part of his worry about Niall was that he had no idea what was going on, or even if anything was. Niall was grieving, and him sleeping all the time and going out to clubs was just a part of that. No matter how unhealthy Liam thought it was.

“Nothing,” Liam said, forcing a smile on his face. “Nothing at all.”

Danielle gave him a look. It was clear that she didn’t believe him, but she let it slide. “I’m so happy to be here,” she said finally, leaning over to hug him again.

And Liam held her tightly, just like he always did. Whatever was going on with Niall didn’t matter at that moment. He tried to push it out of his mind and focus on his girlfriend. Just like he’d been doing for the past year whenever he was around her.

It wasn’t difficult at first, but it got increasingly harder for Liam to stop himself from comparing the two. Niall was his best friend… and whenever he thought about him, he had to remind himself of that little fact. They were friends only, and any feelings he had for him didn’t matter.

Danielle leaned in to kiss Liam on the mouth, but he moved his head to the side and looked over at the clock. “Sorry,” he said to her apologetically, not quite realizing what he’d done. “I just think we’ve got to head over to the venue now. Are you going to come with us?”

Danielle sighed a little, but nodded and gave him a smile. “Of course.”

Liam gripped her hand as the two of them left the room. The rest of the group was already gathered in front of the elevators, along with their security team.

Well, all except for one.

“Where’s Nialler?” Liam asked, perhaps a little too eagerly as he looked around at the others.

Louis just shrugged. “Where do you think? You should have seen him this morning. I tried to take him pancakes and he very nearly bit my head off.”

They all looked around at each other before Paul sighed in exasperation. “I’ll go-” he started, but was cut off by Liam.

“Let me go first,” Liam said, and ignored the look of horror Louis was giving him. He could handle Niall’s attitude. Mostly because Niall tended to drop it whenever he was around.

Paul looked down at Liam contemplatively, but gave in. “Fine,” he said. “But if he’s not out here in five minutes, I’m coming in.”

“Right,” Liam said, shuffling off and leaving Danielle and the others behind. He walked briskly down the hall to Niall’s room, and stopped in front of the door. He sighed to himself, and knocked on it lightly.

No answer. But that wasn’t shocking. The blonde could sleep through an apocalypse.

So, Liam tried again. He knocked a little harder this time. “Nialler?” he said, looking at the wood grain on the door, and growing more concerned about his friend on the other side of it. “Come on, mate. We’ve gotta go to the venue.”

At first, there was no answer. Just as Liam was about to try again, he heard shuffling in the room. Then the door opened. Niall peeked out, but upon seeing Liam was alone, he opened the door wider and gave his friend a look.

“Already?” he asked tiredly.

“You’ve been sleeping all day,” Liam pointed out.

“I was out late last night.”

Liam sighed. Yes, that was becoming a habit for Niall. And yes, it had already been a habit what with his constant partying and girls, but through all of that he’d at least managed to stay professional. Now he was beginning to act like an entitled rock star who couldn’t care less about the fact that he had work to do.

But instead of being angry with him, Liam just felt sorry for him. “Get some clothes on and let’s go,” Liam said, giving Niall a slight nod.

Niall sighed a little and ran a hand through his hair. It didn’t look clean and fluffy, but dirty and matted down. “You can have a shower when we get to the venue,” Liam said to him. “You’ll feel better.”

“Yeah,” Niall replied, only half listening to Liam’s words. He pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. “Let’s go,” he said, grabbing his phone and wallet off the dresser before pushing past Liam.

Liam sighed and watched his friend shuffle down the hall. It pained him to see him starting down such a self-destructive path, but there wasn’t much he could do about it at the moment.

He’d just have to keep his eye on him more closely.

***

Niall sat backstage at the venue in the catering area. Despite what Liam had said, he didn’t feel much better after having taken a shower. He still felt sick, tired and completely unenergetic. The fact that he had to be on stage in a couple of hours wasn’t helping, and he wanted nothing more than to go back to his hotel room and sleep.

He picked at the food on his plate, but couldn’t actually bring himself to eat any of it. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt quite so dejected, but there were a few times that had come close.

The memory that hung most vividly in his mind was when he’d accompanied Alicia to the clinic.

_Once they were back in the UK, Niall and Alicia wasted no time getting their predicament taken care of. Because that’s what they were calling it now. A predicament. A problem. Something that could easily fixed because it was only a mistake and wouldn’t happen again._

_It seemed as though Alicia was going to make sure of that, as she’d refused to sleep with Niall ever since they’d found out. Of course, he’d tried to reason with her, saying that he couldn’t get her pregnant a second time… but she hadn’t liked that, so he backed off._

_Now, he was sitting in the waiting room, playing with his phone and trying his best to look inconspicuous. No one had noticed them walking into the clinic, and for that Niall was glad. They’d gone to one that was in a more rural area, but that didn’t mean fangirls or paparazzi wouldn’t be around._

_Still, he didn’t care. He was going to go support his girlfriend and the rest of the would could be damned. They were in this together, and if she was going to have to face the stigma of going to a clinic, then he was too. He wasn’t about to let her face this alone._

_Even if that meant the risk of his family finding out would mean they’d disown him._

_He tapped his foot on the ground and looked up at the clock. She’d already been in there for half an hour, but to Niall it felt like a lifetime. He just wanted it to be done and over with. To leave and never look back._

_As if on cue, Alicia walked back into the waiting room with the nurse. Niall stood up and looked at her. She looked tired, blank and slightly pale. She wasn’t the girl he’d fallen in love with, but that was okay. In time, he knew he’d get her back. That they would make it through this._

_He walked over to her, and she nearly fell into him as she wrapped her arms around him tightly. She buried her head in his shoulder, and her body shook with muffled sobs as her tears soaked through his shirt._

_He rubbed her back gently, but couldn’t help breathing a sigh of relief. “Come on,” he said gently. “Let’s go.”_

_She looked up at him with a tear stained face and nodded. Neither of them said a word as Niall slipped their hands together while they walked out of the clinic._

_It was all he could do to not run down the white halls, but of course he refrained. Instead they walked slowly, but Niall eyed his car in the parking lot when he pushed open the door to the building._

_He hit the starter on his keys and let go of his girlfriend’s hand as they walked over to his Renault. He gave her a slight smile as they opened the doors and climbed inside._

_Never had he been so happy to drive away from anywhere in his life. Now, it was all over, and they could begin to move on._

“Come on, mate,” Liam said, sitting down next to Niall and pulling him out of his thoughts. “You’ve got to eat something,” he said, then laughed. “Never thought that was something I’d be saying to _you_.”

Niall shrugged. He didn’t feel much like eating. He didn’t feel much like doing anything, really. Much less getting on stage in front of a bunch of screaming girls who said they adored him.

How could they adore him? They didn’t know him, and they certainly didn’t know what he’d done.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. But they didn’t seem to care or understand how much at fault he was for all of the chaos and drama that had ensued. He just wanted to forget about it all. And the way to do that wasn’t by standing on stage anymore.

But he wasn’t about to admit any of that to Liam. And there was no way he could get out of going on stage, so he took a bite of the fruit on his plate and looked up at his friend for approval. As if he was some sort of small child.

Liam smiled. Daddy Direction, indeed.

There was a thick silence between the two boys. Niall focused on forcing his food down to appease his friend, but his mind was really elsewhere. He was so tired and strung out that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to fall into bed right after the show, or if he wanted to go out to another club.

He figured he’d probably end up going out, given the adrenaline rush he usually got from performing. At least that would wake him up. That was the good part. Not the screaming fans, but the music and how he managed to get lost in it.

He would just have to try not to focus on all of the girls screaming for him.

“Niall,” Liam started, but faltered. He didn’t quite know what to say.

Niall looked up at him. His mind began to race. What was Liam going to say to him or ask him? And how was he going to come up with a lie so he wouldn’t have to tell Liam that he’d been doing cocaine and making out with different girls in dirty club bathrooms for the past week?

But Liam didn’t say anything.

“Well, I guess I’ll be off to the bus then,” Niall said, standing up and walking away. “Come get me when we have to go on.”

“Right,” Liam said as he watched Niall go. He put his head in his hands. Every day that went by, it seemed like they were growing further and further apart. And he didn’t like it one bit.


	6. Alright, Okay, Fine

Any adrenaline that had been running through Niall’s veins during the concert that night quickly vanished as soon as they were back on the bus. He had to fight to stay awake during the ride back to the hotel, and very nearly had to be carried by Paul back to his room he was so worn out.

He didn’t say much when questioned, only that he was tired and had been having a rough few days. Of course, that was a given, considering the situation he was in and all. Alicia’s death had almost given him a free pass for his behaviour, and it wasn’t exactly a good thing.

It meant he could get away with a whole lot more.

But that night instead of going out and getting fucked up at a club like he usually did, he just laid on his hotel room bed and counted the specs on the ceiling. Tired and overwrought, it was difficult for him to actually fall asleep. He flipped on the TV and tried to concentrate on the late night talk shows, but they bored him, and soon his mind was wandering.

He switched it off and closed his eyes, enjoying the darkness of the room.

Silence, complete and utter silence where no one was bugging him or demanding his attention was such a luxury for him these days.

Things had died down in recent months, but Niall could still very clearly recall a time when his life was overly chaotic and full of noise.

_It had all started with the cover of the National Enquirer._

_Someone had snapped a photo of Niall and Alicia leaving the clinic, and it had skyrocketed from there. Suddenly, there was a story to go along with the photo, and everyone was speculating. The actual story printed wasn’t entirely true and was just made up of guessing and assumptions. But as they were leaving an abortion clinic, hands linked together, it wasn’t hard to put the pieces of the puzzle together._

_And as soon as that magazine hit the newsstand, chaos had broken loose on twitter._

_**niallersprincess:**  ummmm wtf is with that national enqiurer? @niallofficial? @alicia_may?_

_**Boobearcurly:**  theres no way alicia got an abortion. Niall is catholic… it’s gross that Niall is even trending_

_**1DUpdates:**  guys don’t bother buying the National Enquirer! It’ll just give them more money to make up more stories because this obviously isn’t true…_

_Niall had remained silent on twitter. The fans didn’t need to know what was going on in his personal life; it was none of their business._

_His mum, however…_

_“Tell me that story isn’t true,” she said immediately after he’d answered his cell phone._

_Niall drew in a breath. “Sorry, mum…”_

_He could have sworn he’d heard her choke back a sob. He rolled his eyes a little; his mum could be such a drama queen sometimes. “Niall…”_

_“I know,” he said, running a hand through his hair, as he often did when he was stressed. “Yes, I know. But what other choice did I have?”_

_“Well, maybe you could have not slept with her in the first place.”_

_Again, he rolled his eyes. “Right, okay, mum.” What an awkward conversation this was. He didn’t need it at all. After all, he was twenty years old. She couldn’t tell him what to do anymore._

_“I’m serious, I’m not happy.”_

_“And you think I am?” Niall nearly shouted, annoyed with the audacity of her statement. As though it had been an easy choice for him an Alicia! Far from it. It was very quickly serving to make their lives a living hell. “It wasn’t easy, okay? And it’s not easy. Alicia and I get loads of shit from fans on twitter every day. I’m used to people judging me and all that, but she’s not. Not like this. Not for something that’s tearing her apart inside already.”_

_Maura was silent for a moment and Niall composed himself. “Sorry,” he muttered, when she didn’t say anything._

_“For what?” she asked, her voice wavering. “For going off on me, or for what you did?”_

_“Both,” he said sincerely. “But it’s done, we can’t change it. I’m really sorry, mum.”_

_“You should have been more careful,” she chastised him._

_“I know, I will be.” This was really a conversation more suited to his father._

_As if Maura’s mind had gone the same way, she said, “have you spoken to your father yet?”_

_Niall shrugged. “Yeah, he knows. He’s okay.”_

_Maura scoffed. “Of course he is.”_

_Niall sighed. Fifteen years, and his parents still managed to make jabs at the other when they weren’t even in the same room. “Right, well, I’ve gotta get going mum.”_

_“Niall,” she said quickly, nearly cutting him off. “You’re still my son, and I still love you, no matter what.”_

_Even though she’d said it, he didn’t quite feel it. “Thanks mum, I love you too,” he said automatically, before turning off his phone._

_He thought about calling Alicia to complain about the situation, but decided against it. Doing so would only serve to make her feel worse, and she was already in a bad place. She continually got messages on twitter, and occasionally fans heckled her when she went out in public._

_Simply put, she was dealing with enough already because of him, he didn’t feel the need to add to her stress._

_So, he flopped down on his bed and stared at the ceiling._

***

“You’re awful quiet,” Danielle said, draping her arm over her boyfriend’s chest and snuggling up to him.

“Hmmm…” he said, looking up at the ceiling. There were little dots all over the tiles, and he had no hope of counting them all.

“Usually you’re more chatty after,” she mused, looking up at him. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” he said, not quite wanting to get into it.

“Liam,” she pressed.

He sighed. Danielle was always able to wrangle the truth out of him, one way or another. “I’m just worried about Niall,” he admitted.

She raised her eyebrows a little. “Should I be concerned that you’re thinking about your best friend during this very intimate moment of ours?” she laughed a little.

“I wasn’t thinking about him when we were, you know,” he lied. He very much had, even though he’d tried his very best not to. Niall had creeped into his mind, and hadn’t been able to be pushed out. And it wasn’t the first time this had happened.

It wasn’t even the first time it had happened with Danielle, but Liam tried not to concern himself with that. Even though Niall showed up in his mind at the most inopportune of moments, he was sure he still loved her.

Even if he had feelings for Niall too. But those didn’t matter. They weren’t an issue and he wasn’t about to let them become one.

“Right, I know,” she said quickly. “I was only kidding.” She looked up at him with concern. “I guess you’re pretty worried about him, then?”

“Well, it’s hard not to be. His ex-girlfriend just passed away. He won’t admit it, but it’s easy to see it’s killing him inside.”

“Yeah,” Danielle said quietly, leaning her head back against the pillows. “That’s awful, isn’t it? I really liked Alicia.”

“Me too,” Liam said with a slight nod. Had he been jealous of all the time Alicia and Niall had spent together? Absolutely. But he’d still liked her as a person. Just maybe not as Niall’s girlfriend.

Then again, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to warm up to someone who was dating his friend.

“Do you think he’s going to be alright? He’s been through a lot…” Danielle said softly, looking up at Liam with her soft loving eyes. At one time in his life, it had been easy for him to get lost in them. Now, he found himself searching and trying to find that same feeling again.

“I don’t know,” Liam said honestly, and with worry. Niall had been acting so strangely lately, and even though there was an explanation for it, it still scared him. He’d always been a little bit of a worrier, but this felt different. Like he could tell something was actually off, even if he didn’t quite know what it was.

“Maybe he needs to see someone,” Danielle suggested with a shrug.

“What?” Liam asked. “Like a therapist?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. Especially if he’s not dealing with it well.”

For some reason, that made Liam overly defensive. “He doesn’t need a therapist, Dani,” he said, perhaps a little harsher than he’d intended.

“Okay, sorry,” Danielle said, reeling back a little. “It’s just that you said you were worried about him, and that it was killing him inside. He’s been acting strangely and he’s obviously depressed, I just thought…”

“He’s just going through a period of grief, it’s going to be fine,” Liam said, but the assurance was more for himself than for Danielle. If even Danielle was noticing that things were off with Niall, then they must have been really bad. And Liam simply wouldn’t allow himself to admit that.

“Right, well, I’d say it’s more than just grief.” Liam looked over at Danielle, somewhat annoyed that she wasn’t letting it go and also slightly grateful he had someone to talk about this with. “I mean, aside from the fact that they were dealing with the moral dilemma of the abortion, the media knew about it and wouldn’t stop harping on them, the fans wouldn’t leave them alone, she left him out of nowhere, and now-”

“Stop,” Liam cut her off. “Just stop. After all that we’re wondering why he’s acting weird?”

Danielle just shrugged. “Well, he was fine up until now, wasn’t he? Maybe it’s starting to catch up with him.”

Liam sighed and rolled back over onto the pillows. No, he didn’t think that Niall had been fine up until now. He was sure his friend had just been bottling everything up inside.

Maybe Danielle was right, maybe it was beginning to catch up with him.


	7. Playing in the Name of Love

Niall rested his head in his right hand as he leaned on the table.

The group of them had gone out to dinner as they didn’t have a show that night. He was feeling slightly better than he had been the night before, and was eager to be done at the restaurant so that he could go off on his own.

Danielle was sitting beside him, and her lighthearted attitude was really annoying him. Really, everything about Liam and Danielle was annoying him that day. The way they were always so cute with one another, and how they always seemed to know exactly what to do or say to make each other smile.

There was a time when he was happy for Liam. Now, he just felt jealous and heartbroken. Seeing Liam and Danielle together reminded him of what he didn’t have any longer. What he was sure he would never have again. There was no way he was going to allow himself to let his guard down and be close to someone like that, but at the same time he craved it.

It was confusing and he didn’t like it. All he knew was that he had to look away when Danielle rested her head on Liam’s shoulder, because it disgusted him.

“Niall?”

It wasn’t overly loud in the restaurant, so he couldn’t even pretend he hadn’t heard Danielle. He turned to face her. “Yeah?”

She smiled at him sympathetically. He hated that too. She was trying so hard to be nice and he wasn’t having any of it.

“Are you alright?”

It took everything he had to not roll his eyes. What a stupid question that was; of course he wasn’t alright. And yet, he wasn’t about to admit to her that he was anything less. There was no way he was going to spill all of his feelings to Danielle, not when he truly didn’t know what those feelings were himself.

“Fine,” he muttered, trying to force a smile on his face.

She gave him a look that said she didn’t quite believe him, but thankfully, she dropped it. Her attention was turned back to Liam, and she rested her head on his shoulder while he talked with the others.

Niall sipped at his drink lazily. It was hard for him to remember now, but at one point, he had been happy. He and Alicia had been in love the very same way that Liam and Danielle were. It was simple, easy and unconditional. Or so he’d thought, anyway.

_Niall came running off stage and headed straight for the bus, just as they did every night. Their tour of America wasn’t an overly long one, but to him he was beginning to feel like it was an eternity. He wished Alicia could have come to join him, but there was no way her family was going to allow that. Not with all of the attention that had been on her recently._

_Things hadn’t exactly been smooth sailing for the two of them. While he’d thought that everything would go back to normal eventually, things just continually got worse for the couple. The fans wouldn’t leave them alone, management had to warn interviewers to not ask any questions about the incident, and the worst of all, was that no one seemed to be supportive of their relationship anymore._

_Niall had dealt with hate before, but never like this. It seemed like the support for the two of them together got smaller and smaller every day that passed. He tried to tell himself that it didn’t matter what the fans thought. That his relationship was his business and no one else’s, but of course it mattered. It especially mattered to Alicia, who was all alone back in London, on account of her friends no longer wanting to associate with her because of all the negative attention she was getting._

_Niall dashed into his hotel room and laid down on his bed. He picked up his phone and sighed. Four missed calls. That wasn’t uncommon – Alicia tended to call him a lot. They rarely talked about anything fun anymore, instead he ended up just comforting her when she cried._

_But she would get over it eventually. He tried to remain positive that they could move past all of this. He wasn’t about to leave her just because they were going through a rough period. Especially not when he believed that he was the one who had caused all of this to happen in the first place._

_He sighed and called her back. She picked up right away._

_“Hey Nialler,” she said carefully._

_Niall frowned. She hardly ever used his nickname anymore, and even though it should have delighted him it just made this seem suspicious. “Hey Lish,” he said wearily. “What’s up? You called a lot, but I was on stage…”_

_“Yeah,” she said slowly. “I know. I was just hoping to get you as soon as you were back.”_

_“Okay…” he said, not really knowing what was going on. “What’s going on, then?”_

_He heard her take a deep breath. “I think we should break up.”_

_Niall felt the colour drain from his face. Break up? After everything they’d been through together? That wasn’t what he wanted at all! He wanted everything to go back to normal. “Lish-” he started, but was cut off._

_“You can’t convince me otherwise, Niall,” she said firmly, like she had rehearsed this before. He rolled his eyes. He hated the fact that he’d caused so much drama for her, and that the only way to get it to stop was for her to get rid of him._

_He pursed his lips together, and didn’t say anything. The line was silent for a moment before Alicia spoke again._

_“Nialler?”_

_“What?” he snapped. “You said I couldn’t convince you otherwise, so what do you want me to say?”_

_“I don’t know,” she sighed sadly. “I just think it’d be better if we were apart. It’s never going to go back to the way it was. I’m sorry.”_

_“Yeah, me too,” he said bitterly, before hanging up and tossing his phone onto the floor._

_He rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. He couldn’t decide if he should be feeling depressed, angry or relieved. Alicia breaking up with him would have little impact to what had happened in the past, but at least now she probably wouldn’t be calling him in a fit of tears anymore._

_To be honest, that bothered him. He didn’t mind talking to her – he felt guilty about everything and he only wanted to help. He still loved her, and he wished he could just take her pain away._

_He rolled over onto his side, sighing and little and trying to will himself to sleep._

***

The music in the club had been loud. Loud and distracting and terrible and exactly what Niall needed to forget about everything that was going on in his life.

Well, it wasn’t the only thing Niall needed to forget about what was going on. It was merely a setting. A means to an end. With everything that was going on around him, he didn’t even give it a second thought as he found himself drugged up for the fourth time.

Before he’d thought it was a bad idea. Now, he found himself feeling a lot better about his growing cocaine addiction. So much so, in fact, that he hardly needed alcohol at all anymore. And that, he rationalized, was a very good thing. Drinking just made him sick and hungover and sluggish the next day, but the after effects of cocaine?

Well, he was tired because the mess of toxins running through his system always made it hard to get to sleep, but at least he didn’t feel quite as hungover. Plus, not drinking made it so much less likely he’d end up in some kind of rehab facility.

Nevermind that cocaine was just as bad an addiction as drinking was, possibly worse. But of course, these were the things he told himself to rationalize his actions.

And bringing a random girl back to his hotel room? Well, there was obviously rationale for that too, he reminded himself as he pressed her up against the elevator walls when they were back at the hotel.

The rationale was, of course, that he hated Danielle and Liam and their perfect relationship. He didn’t need a perfect relationship, he reminded himself, as he forced his mouth over the girl’s. A perfect relationship would just cause drama in the end, making it not so perfect.

And what was a relationship good for anyway? Sex. Which was easily attainable for him without the stress of a relationship.

He could barely keep his hands off her as they made their way down the hall. He would stop and kiss her and push her against the wall, rubbing himself up against her like he was some kind of animal. Along with the obvious pick-me-up, he fucking loved the stamina that cocaine was able to give him.

As luck would have it, being that he was practically having sex with this girl in the hallway of the hotel, he was caught. And who was he caught by? The worst of the worst.

Liam.

“I wondered what all this racket was,” he said harshly, stepping out of his room and walking towards Niall.

Niall just rolled his eyes as the girl giggled slightly and started sucking on his neck. “What do you want…ah,” he moaned slightly, completely gone and not really giving a shit that Liam was standing in front of him.

“Oh you know, just going out for a little stroll in the hall,” Liam said, shaking his head and glaring at Niall. Not that Niall really noticed as he’d closed his eyes. “Might I suggest you get a room?” Liam asked irritably.

“Mmm… I have one,” Niall replied, going back to his entertainment for the evening and kissing her roughly.

“Well use it,” Liam said angrily. “Jesus, Niall, have at least an ounce of dignity.”

“Ugh,” Niall said, pulling away from the girl and shooting a glare at Liam. He really was quite a bringdown. He took the girl’s hand and the two of them walked past Liam, who had his arms crossed in annoyance over his chest.

“Bye, Daddy Direction, go ruin someone else’s fun,” Niall said, making the girl laugh again as the two of them disappeared into his room.

Niall didn’t see the frustrated and lost look on Liam’s face as the door slammed behind him. He couldn’t care less what Liam thought of him, and frankly, he was somewhat glad to have annoyed him. After all, he’d been bothered enough by him and his stupid relationship earlier in the day.

The girl forced her hand inside of Niall’s jeans and Niall groaned as she touched him. There was nothing tender or romantic about it, and he didn’t care. He told himself it didn’t matter, as she unzipped his fly and pushed his jeans and boxers down.

It didn’t matter, he reminded himself, as she pulled her underwear off and laid down on the bed.

Niall crawled on top of her, but quickly flipped the two of them over. He wasn’t about to do all of the work.

The girl smirked slightly and leaned down to kiss him again before pushing his dick inside of her.

It didn’t matter, Niall reminded himself as he felt the tip of his cock against her wet centre.

He pressed his eyes shut. He’d done this loads of times before, but now, thinking about Danielle and Liam and how Alicia was gone and how it was his fault and how much he truly hated himself, even if he didn’t want to admit it…

He harshly pushed the girl off of him, and she ended up on the floor.

“What’re you doing?” she asked angrily, composing herself and standing up.

“I can’t do it,” Niall blurted out, sitting up and putting his head in his hands. His eyes were wide and his heart was beating fast. “I can’t do it… I can’t do it…”

He was sure the girl probably looked at him like he was crazy, but he didn’t care. He heard her scoff as she pulled her underwear back on and left in a huff, slamming the door behind her.

“Fuck,” Niall muttered to himself, still breathing heavily. He swallowed a little before going to retrieve his boxers and pulling them back on.

Before he had a chance to register what had happened, there was a knock at his door. He didn’t care to answer it, thinking it was just the stupid girl, probably back to beg for another chance with him. Because that was what girls did – beg for a chance to be with him, even if just for one night.

But it wasn’t her. “Niall?” he heard Liam’s soft voice through the door. “It’s me, mate, open up.”

Niall shook his head slightly, but opened the door. The room was spinning, and his crotch was still throbbing, and Liam was standing there for some reason and when he looked at his friend he just felt like bursting into a fit of sobs.

“Are you alright?” he asked with concern. Because that was what Liam always did – check to make sure his friends were okay, even if they’d just treated him like shit moments before. “I saw your…friend leaving. And she looked quite upset.”

And just like that, Niall came apart. He didn’t bother to ask why Liam had still been standing in the hall – he didn’t care. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Liam and hugged him tightly, sobbing violently into his sweater. “I’m so fucked up, Li,” he cried. “I can’t… I’m so fucked up.”

Liam rubbed Niall’s back easily, trying to get his friend to calm down. He didn’t know really what had gone on, but that didn’t matter. He let Niall cry, and breathed a slight sigh of relief that instead of going out and getting smashed, he was at least safe in the hotel, finally allowing someone to comfort him.

And really, as Niall shook with tears, Liam tried not to think about the fact that his friend’s very obvious erection was pressed against his leg.

Because really, it didn’t matter.


	8. Blind Fanatic

Liam had stayed with Niall until the blonde boy had managed to fall asleep. It took most of the night, and the two boys hadn’t said much to each other. Niall had just cried and Liam had held him in the doorway until he’d composed himself. He’d suggested Niall try to sleep, and Niall had just nodded, laying down on the bed, tears still running down the sides of his face.

And Liam, the good friend he was, laid down next to him. He’d tried not to focus too much on poor Niall’s bloodshot eyes or the hard breaths his friend was taking. He could practically feel Niall’s heart pounding in his chest through his clothes when he’d hugged him, and wondered why it was so hard for him to calm down.

As much as Liam hated to think about it, Niall had slept with dozens of girls before. What had happened that was so different about this time? Why was he so upset?

But instead of asking him, Liam just laid there. Eventually Niall’s breathing evened out, and he fell asleep. Liam felt his own eyelids drooping, but he knew he really had to get back to his own hotel room. Though he’d told Danielle he was going to check up on Niall, he felt sort of bad for just leaving her alone in their room the whole night.

In his sleep, Niall rolled over slightly and rested his head against Liam. Liam sighed to himself, enjoying the calmness of the situation. It was rare these days to have a moment like this with his friend, and even rarer still to have one that was so intimate.

So, against his better judgement, Liam snuggled up closer to Niall and allowed himself to fall asleep.

It only felt like seconds later that there was a loud banging at the door. When Liam opened his eyes, he realized that five hours had passed.

“Mmm, what’s going on?” Niall muttered, waking up only slightly.

“We fell asleep,” Liam said simply. He hadn’t planned to go into any further detail than that, but couldn’t resist. “Do you remember what happened last night?”

Niall opened his eyes and gave Liam a look. “Yes,” he said, his head still placed firmly on the pillows.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Liam asked quietly, really hoping that Niall would repeat the same word he’d just said, but knowing that he wouldn’t.

“No.”

Liam sighed a little, but didn’t press it. As it was, he was lucky enough that Niall had fallen asleep and seemed to be less irritable than he had been the night before.

The knocking on the door persisted, and Liam stood up to answer it, while Niall closed his eyes again in an attempt to fall asleep.

Liam bit his lip as he looked through the peephole and subsequently opened the door.

Danielle.

“Well good morning,” she said, her hands on her hips. “You never came back last night.” She stated something Liam was already well aware of, but it still pained him to hear the words come out of her mouth.

“No,” he said scratching the back of his neck with his hand and looking at her sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”

Danielle shrugged, the bun sitting on top of her head bouncing a little. “It’s alright. I know you guys were probably having a heart-to-heart,” she smiled for a second, but it quickly faded as she peeked inside the room. “How is he?” she mouthed, making barely any sound.

Liam just shook his head with a frown.

Danielle sighed, and looked up at Liam sympathetically. “Well, I know you’re just trying to help,” she said putting her hand on her boyfriend’s shoulder. “But I think he really needs-”

“Don’t,” Liam stopped her before she started up with the therapy talk again. “He’s doing a bit better,” he assured her, and really, he honestly believed that he was.

But Danielle wasn’t buying it. “You can’t save him, Liam,” she said quietly, after once again peering into the room to make sure Niall was still asleep. “This is bigger than you.”

Liam only nodded, his mouth turned downwards. He pulled Danielle in for a hug, needed some sort of affection. Deep down, he knew that she was right, but he didn’t want to admit it at all.  _He_ wanted to be able to help Niall, and  _he_  wanted to be the one to be able to pull him out of his seemingly crippling depression.

And he wanted Niall to be the one who was embracing him lovingly.

***

That night, the boys arrived as usual at their next hotel for the evening. Danielle was positively giddy, as earlier in the day she’d spotted a nice restaurant close to the hotel. Feeling somewhat guilty for leaving her behind the night before, Liam had called them up and quickly secured a romantic evening for the two of them.

Liam had a quick shower while Danielle got herself ready. As he rand a soapy hand through his hair, Liam found it difficult to not think about Niall. His friend had seemed in slightly better spirits that morning, but as the day wore on, he had faded back to his usual, glum self.

It depressed Liam to think about the fact that being gloomy was now expected of Niall, the boy whose smile used to light up a room. Now, his very presence seemed to darken one.

Liam tried to push those thoughts out of his mind as he finished up showering and got dressed. He needed to focus on his relationship with Danielle – having his mind consumed with thoughts of Niall wasn’t going to help anyone. It certainly wasn’t going to get him anywhere, and just thinking about it wasn’t going to help Niall get through whatever issues he had.

“Ready to go?” Danielle asked him with a smile when he was nearly done getting ready.

“Just about,” Liam answered, checking himself out in the mirror one last time. He turned around to look at her. She was positively beautiful, and he found himself having to consciously concentrate on that. At one point, he’d hardly have been able to focus on anything but the skin tight black dress she was wearing, except for maybe the fantasy of taking it off of her.

Now, he just easily linked his arm with hers as they left. “Let’s go.”

The two of them walked silently through the hotel halls, stopping at the elevators. Danielle leaned over to press a light kiss on Liam’s cheek as he pressed the button to call the elevator. His lips curled up slightly, and he looked at her with a slight nod. As if to promise her that later, there would be more.

They pulled away from each other slightly when they stepped into the elevator, but as soon as they reached the main floor, they linked their hands together. Liam looked down at Danielle for a second, smiling slightly, trying to muster up some kind of excitement for their date.

It didn’t work, and when they stepped outside they saw Niall standing on the side of the street hopping into a cab.

Without thinking, Liam dropped his hand from Danielle’s and rushed over to him. He didn’t even notice the exasperated sigh Danielle made as she followed him.

Liam put his hand on Niall’s shoulder in an effort to stop him from getting into the car. “Where are you going?” he demanded.

Niall snapped his head back, looking at Liam in complete and utter shock. He obviously hadn’t noticed his friend exiting the hotel. He quickly composed himself and gave Liam a look. “Out,” he said, leaning his arm against the open door of the taxi.

Liam rolled his eyes. “Well, clearly. Where? Why are you going alone? Take some security with you, at least.”

“I don’t see you with any security,” Niall shot back, not touching on anything else Liam had said.

“That’s because we’re going to be a block away in our own private room that the restaurant already has set up for us.”

“Oh,” Niall said, his voice dripping with false excitement. “Well, have a great time Liam. Enjoy your romantic and perfect evening. I’ll be off then, have a great time with your  _girlfriend_ ,” he spat, glaring at Liam before moving to get back into the cab.

But Liam sharply grabbed Niall’s shoulder once again. “You could come with us,” he said frantically, without thinking. The only thing on his mind was keeping Niall from going to the club and drinking himself into a stupor. If only he’d known how much worse it was, he likely would have dragged Niall out of the cab and locked him in his hotel room.

Niall scoffed. “No,”

Neither boy noticed Danielle’s shocked expression at the scene that was playing out in front of her. She was speechless – had Liam completely forgot she was standing right there? Were they not supposed to have a romantic evening just the two of them?

“Come on, don’t go out to the club,” he said desperately, then lowered his voice and leaned in closer to Niall. “You remember what happened yesterday, don’t you? It’s not going to help you. Come with me.”

Niall studied Liam for a second, and for a split second, Liam saw the old Niall behind his glazed over grey eyes. The clear blue that they used to be shone through. It was like seeing the person his friend used to be, trapped inside this broken shell of himself. “Please,” Liam pressed.

Niall sighed. “Fine.” He stood up and slammed the door of the cab, allowing Liam to pull him into a tight hug.

It was then that Danielle cleared her throat and gave the two boys an unimpressed look.

“Niall’s going to come with us,” Liam said, unable to contain the grin on his face, while Niall just shrugged slightly. “I hope that’s okay.”

It wasn’t okay with Danielle at all, but there wasn’t very much she could say about it. “It’s fine,” she said, forcing a smile on her face. “Let’s go.”

The three of them continued to walk the short distance to the restaurant. Danielle trailed a little behind as Liam led Niall there with his arm slung around his shoulders.

She tried not to let it bother her, and she knew that Niall really did need the friend, but did that friend have to come at the cost of her relationship?

***

To make matters worse, they had been seated at an intimate booth that was really only meant for two. Danielle sat across from the two boys as Liam had opted to sit beside Niall. She wasn’t sure if her boyfriend realized how ridiculous he was acting, or if he just didn’t care.

“What’re you having, Dani?” Liam asked, glancing through the menu while Niall sipped lazily on his water. Liam couldn’t help but look over as Niall took one of the ice cubes in his mouth, played with it between his teeth a little and then finally let it melt on his tongue.

He nearly forgot that this was supposed to be a date with his girlfriend as he imagined the sorts of things Niall could do to him with his mouth.

“The steak,” she said with agitation, bringing Liam back down to earth. “What’re you having?” she asked, plastering yet another fake grin on her face.

“Uh,” he said, taking another quick glance through the menu. “I suppose I’ll have the steak as well. Niall?” he turned his head towards the blonde.

Niall just shrugged. “Not hungry.”

“Oh come on, Niall,” Danielle sighed, before Liam had a chance to lovingly tell the Irish boy he had to eat something. “You’re here, you might as well eat.”

Niall glanced down at the menu in front of Liam. “Chicken, I suppose.”

“We should have gone to Nando’s instead,” Liam said with a laugh, eliciting a slight smile from Niall as the two boys looked at each other.

Danielle felt her blood begin to boil.

Before the moment had a chance to get any more tense, the waitress came over and quickly asked them what they were having. Liam, the gentleman that he was, took the liberty of rattling off all of their orders and handing the menus over to the waitress before she walked off.

The three of them looked at each other a little awkwardly. It shouldn’t have been that way – they’d all gone out together many times in the past. But this was somehow different. Danielle was growing increasingly more annoyed with Niall’s presence and how much attention Liam paid to him – attention that bordered on affection, even. Niall couldn’t be bothered to make any small talk, feeling annoyed just being around Danielle and Liam and their perfect relationship.

If only he knew how perfect it truly wasn’t. He was so self-absorbed that he didn’t see the little glances that Liam was giving him, the fact that Danielle didn’t seem to be happy at all and the falseness of all their actions towards each other. Niall had no idea that Liam would have much rather been on a date with him – that Danielle wasn’t the person he wanted in his bed when dinner was over.

When their food came, Danielle ate quickly. She took her frustration out on her steak, stabbing it with her fork and looking as though she wanted to kill it, rather than enjoy it. Niall didn’t take any notice of this, pushing his food around on his plate and only taking a few bites before declaring he was done.

Liam just sighed, but tried not to let it interfere with his enjoyment of his own dinner. He simply gave Niall a look and said that was fine. Really, he was just grateful for the small victory of preventing Niall from going out for the evening.

He looked up at Danielle, who was still breathing heavily as she ate. “You okay, Dani?” he asked sweetly.

“Oh yes,” she said with sarcasm, giving him a glare and taking a gulp of her water. She really wished they would have ordered wine – but of course the whole point was apparently to keep Niall from drinking, so it wasn’t like that would have gone over well. “Just fine.”

“You look upset,” he said sincerely. He knew she probably wasn’t pleased with Niall tagging along on what was supposed to be their date – but she had to have understood. Niall couldn’t be all by himself, not when he had this tendency of getting into trouble. A slightly altered evening was worth it to Liam to have his friend safely by his side and not out at a seedy bar.

“Really?” Danielle asked, unable to hide her frustration with her boyfriend. “Well I’m not. I am however, finished for the evening,” she said, wiping her mouth with the cloth serviette, tossing it on the table and leaving in a huff.

“Dani,” Liam called out, but she didn’t look back as she walked away. He sighed to himself, slouching down a little in the booth.

“Are you going to go after her?” Niall asked, raising his eyebrow. “That was weird.”

Liam looked over at Niall. No, he wasn’t going to go after Danielle. Doing so would just put Niall back in the position of being alone, which was exactly what Liam was trying to avoid. “No, I’ll let her cool off. Eat the rest of your dinner,” he said, nodding towards the plate.

Niall continued to look at Liam a little awkwardly, but his spirits seemed to pick up a little. When it was just the two of them he felt a little better. Without Danielle there, he didn’t have to have their relationship shoved in his face, reminding him of everything he’d lost.

So, even though he wasn’t hungry, he picked up his fork and shoved a piece of chicken in his mouth.


	9. Nothing Has To Be So Perfect

Liam opened the door to his hotel room awkwardly the next morning. He tried to be as quiet as possible, as though not to wake Danielle.

After she’d left the restaurant, Niall and Liam had gone back upstairs. Niall had told Liam he could go back to his room, and that it was fine, but Liam had insisted on staying with him. He was simply terrified that the blonde would go out and do something stupid. As much as he knew he was being overprotective, he hadn’t let himself leave Niall alone. Niall had conceded to Liam staying in his room, and the two of them had ended up falling asleep together whilst watching a movie.

Liam had woken up a little earlier than he’d needed to be, but that was all right. It would give him some time to go back to his own room and explain things to Danielle before they had to check out of the hotel and begin making their way to the next city.

He’d expected the lights in the room to be off and to see Danielle curled up in the sheets of the bed.

Instead, what he saw was Danielle bustling around the room, packing her things into her suitcase.

“Uh, hi,” Liam said awkwardly, not quite sure what she was doing. He closed the door behind himself and made sure it was shut properly before walking over to Danielle. “What’re you doing?” he asked quietly, putting his hand on Danielle’s wrist.

She snapped away from him. “Leaving,” she said shortly, pushing her clothes down and zipping up her suitcase. She barely made eye contact with Liam as she looked around the room, presumably to make sure she hadn’t missed anything.

Liam furrowed his eyebrows. Sure, he’d spent a little bit more time with Niall than he’d meant to, and it had been easy to tell that Danielle was frustrated, but to leave? “Why?” he asked quietly.

She glared at him as she leaned over to set her suitcase upright on the floor. “Well, you don’t really need me here, do you?” she asked, putting her hands on her hips.

“Of course I do,” Liam said, moving in to hug her. He didn’t want her to leave. That wasn’t going to solve anything. They’d been together for so long, and sure, he felt attached to Niall, and he even felt as though he was in love with Niall.

But Danielle had been his girlfriend since he was seventeen years old. She knew him better than anyone else did.

“No you don’t,” Danielle snapped, pulling away from him. “You don’t need me at all. You’re not even concerned with me, you’re only concerned about Niall.”

Liam sighed. He knew that Danielle and Niall weren’t close, but he didn’t understand why she just couldn’t have compassion for him. “He’s been through a lot,” Liam said softly.

“I know,” Danielle said, rolling her eyes. Then she softened, obviously feeling bad for brushing Niall’s issues to the side. “I know,” she repeated, her words more apologetic this time around. “But you can’t help him, Li. It’s not going to do you any good to sit around any babysit him. And it’s certainly not going to do me any good.”

“Dani,” Liam pleaded, searching her face for any indication that her mind could be changed. “You’re going to leave over a couple of days where I’ve spent more time with Niall than with you?” he asked in disbelief.

But Danielle just shook her head sadly. “No Liam, I’m not. It’s not just been these past couple of days, it’s been getting worse and worse every time you’re around him.”

Liam sighed, shaking his head. He couldn’t quite manage to make eye contact with Danielle because deep down, he knew everything she was saying was true.

“Liam,” Danielle said softly, moving in closer to him and touching his cheek slightly. “I love you, but I need to go. I can’t do this anymore.”

“But Dani,” Liam began to protest, but he was cut off.

“How long have you been in love with Niall?” she asked him sadly, hugging him tightly for a moment before pulling away.

“I’m not in love with Niall,” Liam said hoarsely. It was the first time anything about that subject matter had been spoken about aloud, and it made him sick. Because as he heard the words coming out of his mouth, his heart knew they were a lie.

“Liam,” Danielle said knowingly.

Liam shook his head as he rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “I don’t know,” he admitted.

“It’s okay,” Danielle soothed, hugging him tightly again. “I just can’t stay. I can’t stay and be the person you’re not in love with. It’s not fair to me, and it’s not fair to you.”

Liam just nodded, knowing full well that she was right. The revelation terrified him, because with Danielle gone, it was as though it was finally real.

He was in love with his best friend.

“Bye, Liam,” Danielle said, kissing him softly on the cheek before wheeling her suitcase out of the room. Liam didn’t dare turn his head to watch her go. Instead, he just listened to her light footsteps coupled with the rough rolls of the wheels on her luggage.

When the door clicked shut, he walked over to the bed and sat on it. His hands were firmly in his lap, and his heart felt as though it was stuck in his throat.

***

A couple hours later, the boys were herded on to the bus to make their way to the next city. Much to everyone’s surprise, Niall didn’t have to be pulled from his room with force, and for this, Liam was glad. He didn’t have the energy to go see what Niall was up to.

Instead he just walked into the bus with his head down. Danielle was gone, and though he knew it was for the best, their four year relationship was over, and it hurt. No matter what else was going on in his life, that was hard for him to accept.

“Where’s Danielle?” he heard Harry whisper to Louis as the two of them glanced in Liam’s direction.

Liam pretended not to hear them and headed straight for his bunk. He roughly closed the curtain shut and laid there silently, listening to the banter of the others.

They quickly dropped the Danielle subject and moved on to talking about whatever trouble Harry had gotten himself into the night before. Liam didn’t quite care to hear any of these anecdotes. Normally he would have been out there alongside the others, laughing along with them and telling Harry he should really try in the future to not be so stupid.

But he couldn’t be bothered.

He heard the shuffling of feet down the small corridor and shut his eyes, pretending he was asleep. He didn’t really want to talk to anyone at the moment. But instead of anyone pulling back the curtain or saying his name, he just heard them hop into the bunk above his.

He stared up at the ceiling of his bunk, knowing full well who was above him. And for once, he didn’t care. The only thing on his mind was how he missed Danielle, how much he’d royally screwed up, and how after four years, she was suddenly out of his life.

That is, until he heard who he assumed to be the blonde boy start weeping softly into his pillow.

Then, all thoughts of Danielle were pushed aside and were replaced with feelings of sympathy for Niall. His heart broke as he heard his friend break down above him. Before he knew it he was sliding out of his bunk and lightly tapping on the wall beside it.

“What?” Niall asked irritably.

“It’s just me, mate,” Liam sighed. All that progress he’d made with Niall and the boy was already back to his gloomy, snippy self.

He heard Niall audibly sigh, but he opened the curtain just the same. He wiped his eyes with his hand quickly, but tried to mask but it running his fingers through his hair right afterwards. “Hi,” he said.

“Are you okay?” Liam asked, not wanting to dance around the subject.

“Fine,” Niall lied, shaking his head. He looked at Liam as though he wanted to change the topic because whatever was going on in his own mind was too muddled and hurtful to speak about. “Where’s Danielle?” he asked.

Liam shrugged. He hadn’t really wanted to get into it, but he supposed there was no point in keeping it a secret. Everyone was going to find out about it eventually – it was only a matter of time.

Plus, if he wanted to get Niall to open up to him, it was only right that he did the same.

“She’s left me,” he muttered, looking away.

Niall furrowed his eyebrows. “What do you mean? She’s gone home?”

“No,” Liam said quickly, but then reconsidered. “I mean, yeah. But for good. She’s not coming back.” He glanced back up at Niall, and he couldn’t read the look on his face. There was confusion around his eyes, and his lips were pursed so tightly that they were almost a straight line.

“Sorry,” Niall said finally. “I just wasn’t expecting to hear that. You guys were the perfect couple,” he said, with almost a tinge of bitterness in his voice.

Liam shrugged. He’d thought so too – but evidently he’d been wrong. That, and it was hard for things to be perfect when he was in love with someone else. “Yeah, I don’t know. I guess not everything turns out perfect,” he said sadly, glancing at Niall.

Niall nodded. He’d learned that lesson far too well. “Well,” he said, shuffling around a little awkwardly. “Anything you need, I’m here for you.”

Liam had to try his best not to scoff at that. How could Niall be there for him when he couldn’t even be there for himself? Still, he forced a smile onto his face as though to appease his friend. “Thanks.”

Niall just nodded, but continued to look at Liam. “Why don’t we go out tonight… after the show? Guys night?” he suggested.

Liam raised his eyebrow. The last thing he wanted was for Niall to go out and get intoxicated and have an encore performance of two nights prior. But… he also was a mess of lost emotions, feeling drained and incapable of keeping watch over him at the hotel. If Niall wanted to go out, he was going to go out and there wasn’t a damn thing Liam could do about it.

Plus, he figured a night out could probably do him some good. As long as he was there, Niall couldn’t get himself into too much trouble, right?

“Okay,” Liam said slowly. “I’ll go with you.”


	10. Ain’t Nothing But A Heartache

Aside from the fact that he’d never been much of a drinker, Liam never had enjoyed the club scene.

Those places were often far too loud and crowded for his liking. He didn’t understand how Niall, who usually hated crowds and often had panic attacks, could enjoy being in such a place.

But as he looked over at his friend, he understood. His eyes were clouded over and he held a drink in his hand. Simply put, he was smashed. Just as Liam suspected often happened when Niall went off on his own. There was no way he could actually have fun in a place like this. Not without being intoxicated to the point where he didn’t care about anything.

Which, Liam knew, was entirely the point.

He sat at a high table, nursing his fourth or fifth drink as he glanced over at Niall. For someone who was adored by so many women, he sure was having a hard time picking one up. Not that Liam minded much – he wasn’t about to let Niall bring anyone back to the hotel room anyway. All jealousy aside – it hadn’t helped his friend a few nights ago, and it likely wasn’t going to do him any good now.

He watched as Niall put his hands on a girls hips and tried to grind with her. His heart pounded in his chest as he girl pressed herself up against his blonde friend and he narrowed his eyes. He tried to drown out the booming noises in the club as he watched Niall take a sip of his drink and put and ice cube in his mouth. Niall leaned over and traced his tongue along the girl’s neck…

It was at that point when Liam decided he needed to look away. He downed the rest of his drink in one gulp and took a deep breath.

Why,  _why_  had he thought this would be a good idea?

“Ah, shit,” Niall said, startling Liam as he slapped his hands on the table.

“What?” Liam asked irritably.

Niall scratched the back of his neck awkwardly as one of the bartenders came by with another round for the two of them. That was the perk of being a celebrity – the alcohol seemed to be never ending. Niall grabbed one of the drinks off the table and downed a generous amount of it. Liam, even though he knew he had quite a low tolerance, did the same. It was the only way he was getting through the evening in this horrible atmosphere.

“I went too far with that girl and her friends pushed me away,” Niall said, rolling his eyes and finishing his drink. “What’s going on with you? Why are you just sitting here?”

Liam shrugged. “I’m not much for dancing.”

“Well neither am I,” Niall shrugged. “But you don’t really have to dance. Just go up there and find a girl-”

“And how’s that working out for you?” Liam cut Niall off, annoyed with his friend’s completely passive attitude. One minute he was depressed, the next he was out at the club acting like some bigshot. He wanted to ask Niall what exactly he thought was going to happen if he managed to get one of the girls to go back to the hotel with him, but he refrained.

Niall froze. He didn’t say anything, he just looked at Liam in shock. He recovered after a couple of moments, glancing down at Liam’s drink. “What?” he asked. “The drink not hitting you yet?” he laughed slightly.

“It’s hitting me just fine,” Liam muttered. That was true – it was. He was beginning to feel quite lightheaded, and not as though he wanted to deal with Niall’s antics any longer. In fact, he just wanted to go back to the hotel.

Although, if Niall’s plan was to get him to forget about Danielle, it was definitely working. He’d hardly thought about her since they’d set foot in the club. He’d only been able to concentrate on Niall, and how completely disgraceful he was acting.

“Maybe you need a bit of a pick me up,” Niall shrugged, glancing around.

Liam raised his eyebrow. He had no idea what Niall was on about. Niall gave him a look and grabbed his hand, pulling him quickly through the crowded club and into the bathroom. Liam glanced down at their interlocked fingers. In his drunken state, all he could concentrate on was the feeling of Niall’s soft hands against his.

The bathroom was large, and Niall continued to grip Liam’s hand firmly as he pulled him into the back corner of it. He glanced around with paranoia, and dropped his hand from Liam’s.

“Liam,” Niall said quickly, rustling his hands through his pockets and pulling out a small bag filled with white powder. “This’ll help.”

Liam nearly had no words for what he saw. Never in his entire life did he think Niall would be offering him cocaine. He looked at his friend in shock, but he wasn’t sure it was apparent on his face as Niall just kept looking at him suggestively. His bright blue eyes were glazed over and drunk, and he definitely wasn’t all there.

Still, that was no excuse for him to be offering him cocaine of all things.

“Are you fucking mad?” Liam said firmly, smacking the baggie out of Niall’s hand.

“What the fuck, Liam? That’s expensive shit.” Niall glared at him and leaned over to pick his drugs up.

But Liam was far too drunk and shocked to care. Or maybe he cared too much, and that was the true problem. Either way, he grabbed Niall by the shoulders and pinned him up against the tiled wall. “What do you think you’re doing? Is this what you’ve been up to whenever you go out? Doing cocaine in a dirty club?”

“Liam,” Niall breathed as the older boy’s fingers dug into his shoulders through his t-shirt. “It’s not that bad.”

“No,” Liam said, leaning in towards Niall and making perfect eye contact with him. “It is that bad. All of it is that bad,” he said glancing at Niall and realizing the true meaning of his words.

But Niall continued to act nonchalant about the entire thing. As if Liam wasn’t about to start screaming right then and there. As if he wasn’t helpless to move against the strength of his best friend. “Relax, Li. I’ve done it loads of times before.”

Liam felt sick to his stomach at Niall’s confession. He didn’t know how he could have missed it, and that was exactly what was so bad about it. He never would have expected this from Niall. He never thought his friend would have problems so big that they would lead to substance abuse of this magnitude.

His face was so close to Niall’s that he could feel the younger boy’s breath on his lips. With the foreign feeling of alcohol running through his system, he almost wanted to lean in and kiss Niall. He likely would have done it too, if not for the fact that his passive attitude about cocaine was terrifying him to his very core.

“We’re going back to the hotel,” he said sharply, grabbing hold of Niall’s hand and dragging him out of the bathroom.

Niall had never seen such a look in Liam’s eyes before. He shrugged away from his hand, annoyed with his friend, but he still followed him out of the club. Something about the look on his face scared him, and he didn’t ever want to see Liam look at him that way again.

Lately, whenever Liam looked at him with sadness or disappointment, Niall could handle it. But now, when his brain wasn’t working so well on account of all the drinks he’d had, he found himself unable to cope. That, and he’d never really seen Liam look quite so angry before.

Niall followed Liam into a cab and the two of them were quickly whisked back to the hotel. Niall stared out the window as the city zipped by them. He could ear the oldies radio station playing softly, and Liam’s deep, deliberate breaths beside him.

As the car ride wore on, Niall felt worse and worse about what he’d done. At the beginning of the evening, he’d felt guilty for being elated that Danielle was gone. Of course he felt bad for his friend – that was where the guilt came from. But he partly just felt relieved.

Even the most perfect of relationships had their problems, it seemed. Even if Niall had his own share of relationship drama, at least Liam wasn’t without it as Niall had originally thought.

He’d just wanted to take his friend out and show him a good time. He wanted to show Liam that even through all the bullshit that came with girls and relationships, they could still go out and have fun.

Not that being at the club was as much fun for Niall as it was a distraction and a way to numb the pain, but fun was the lie he continually told himself as a way to justify his actions inside his head.

The cab stopped in front of the hotel and Liam glared at Niall as the two of them got out. The silently made their way up to the rooms. Liam kept glancing over at Niall, but every time he did, Niall avoided his gaze.

Niall shuffled down the hallway behind Liam. His head was planted firmly downwards and his hands were in his pockets. He stopped in front of the door to his room and fumbled with his wallet, trying to get his keycard out.

Eventually, he did. He swiped it as fast as he could and walked into his room, Liam hot on his heels.

“What?” Niall asked irritably, trying to hide how shameful he felt. “I’m going to bed.”

“I’m not done with you yet,” Liam said with annoyance as the door slammed behind him. “How long have you been doing cocaine for?”

Niall rolled his eyes, ignoring the dull ache in his chest. He walked over to his bed, pulling his shirt off and stepping out of his pants before sitting down. It was a subtle hint to try and get Liam to leave, but it didn’t work and Liam just sat down beside him. “I don’t know, just drop it.”

“I won’t,” Liam said shortly, glaring at him. “I won’t drop it, Niall. Do you know how dangerous that is? How bad that is for you? Do you know what could have happened to you? Are you really that -”

“Fucked up?” Niall cut him off sharply, gazing up at his friend. With every word that had come out of Liam’s mouth he felt more and more lost and broken. “Yeah, Liam, I am that fucked up. My ex-girlfriend’s dead. Our baby is dead, and all of that is because of  _me_ ,” he said through gritted teeth as he tried to ignore the lump that was rising in his throat. “It’s all my fault, so you can go ahead and sit here and act all high and mighty, but you have no idea what I’ve been through,” he said, his voice breaking. “You have no idea the things I have to do to forget about how horrible of a person I am.”

“Stop it,” Liam said firmly, feeling his heart break as Niall’s drunken eyes filled with tears. “You’re not a horrible person.”

“Easy for you to say,” Niall scoffed, shaking his head as he looked at the ground.

“You’re not,” Liam insisted, his tone softening. “You’re not at all. You made some mistakes, but nothing that happened is your fault. You’re such a good person, Ni,” he said quietly, leaning his head down to try and meet Niall’s eyes.

Niall turned his head a little to look at Liam. His mouth was still turned downwards, and it appeared as though he didn’t believe a word his friend was saying.

“You’re such a good person,” Liam repeated, gazing down at Niall’s mouth. The two of them were so close again, and he could smell the alcohol on Niall’s breath mixed with his own. The very same substance that caused Liam to lean inwards and kiss Niall’s pouting lips softly.

It took Niall a moment to register what was happening. He felt so sick and so alone, but here was Liam, his best friend in the world telling him how wonderful he was. Even after everything that had happened, which Liam was well aware of, he thought those things. And Niall had been sure he was just saying them, but now, it seemed, he was actually showing him.

And Niall hadn’t kissed or felt this comfortable with anyone in a long, long time. He shifted upwards, still keeping his lips connected to Liam’s as the two of them sat on the bed. He moved his lips slowly, only using his tongue minimally as he savoured this moment.

Liam was content to just kiss Niall. He couldn’t quite believe it was happening as his heart pounded in his chest and he realized what was happening. Niall broke away, and for a moment Liam was worried that Niall was going to say something to him in horror, but he didn’t. Instead, the blonde slid his hands up the sides of Liam’s shirt and motioned for him to take it off.

Liam pulled it off quickly, and he leaned back in to kiss Niall, crawling over to be closer to him.

Niall needed more. He hadn’t been able to feel so confident in this regard in so long that he didn’t even care that this was Liam; his best friend who was also a boy. In fact, that made all of this easier. He reached downwards and undid the button and zipper of Liam’s jeans so the older boy could easily take them off.

He shuffled out of them, pulling away from Niall briefly. He crawled back on top of the smaller boy, both of them clad only in their boxers. Niall groaned as Liam’s body rested against his own. He craned his neck upwards and went to kiss Liam again, rougher and needier this time. His tongue traced Liam’s lips and he bucked his hips upwards, as if to signal it was okay for them to go a little further.

Liam got the message as he started to grind against Niall, their shafts rubbing against each other through the thin cotton of their underwear. Liam moaned softly against Niall’s lips as Niall tried to match his pace and continued to kiss him.

They were drunk and completely out of their minds so it was sloppy. They didn’t establish any sort of nice rhythm and their bodies weren’t used to each other at all, but they continued to kiss and grind and hold each other.

“Mmm, Liam,” Niall whispered, feeling heat building up inside of him despite their lack of coordination. “I’m so close.”

Liam pulled away from Niall slightly, dipping his hand into the blonde boy’s boxers and gripping his cock. Niall groaned as Liam stroked him, white-knuckling the sheets as he felt himself release. “Ah, Liam…”

Liam pulled his hand away as Niall spilled into his underwear and looked up at him with hazy drunk blue eyes. “So good,” he said softly, reaching over and grabbing Liam to return the favour.

As Niall stroked him, Liam shifted over and kissed Niall roughly on the mouth. Niall’s hand moved quicker, and Liam kissed him more furiously. He squeezed his eyes shut as Niall touched him perfectly, and he came quickly, his breath hitching in his throat.

The two boys looked at each other, unable to comprehend what had just happened between them. Liam stretched his arm out, inviting Niall to lay his head down on his chest. Niall did, and Liam closed his eyes. It had been a strange and difficult evening, but all things considered, he felt at peace as he began to fall asleep.

Niall, on the other hand, felt himself begin to sober up. He kept his eyes wide open as Liam’s breathing evened out.

What the  _fuck_  had they just done?


	11. Ain’t Nothing But A Mistake

Liam’s internal clock always had a way of waking him up a few minutes before his alarm went off.

His eyes fluttered open and he swallowed a little, trying to rid himself of the dryness that was in his mouth. It didn’t exactly work. He glanced over and the first thing he saw was Niall, curled up on the other side of the bed with his back turned.

Then it all came back to him.

The drunken moment at the club where Niall had offered him cocaine of all things. How he’d hightailed it out of there, dragging his friend back to the hotel. How Niall had completely lost it and how he couldn’t stand hearing him call himself down that all he wanted to do was kiss away his pain.

So he had. Because he was drunk and hadn’t been able to psyche himself out of it. And Niall had responded and the two of them had clung to each other and had a very raw and what Liam thought had been loving moment. They’d even fallen asleep in each other’s embrace.

Despite his breakup with Danielle, Liam had felt comforted and safe with Niall’s weight on top of him. Perhaps Danielle had been right after all – because it wasn’t her touch he was longing to feel again.

“Niall,” Liam said softly, reaching over and touching his friend’s bare shoulder lightly.

He felt Niall jump a little, so he knew he was awake. Still, Niall didn’t turn around. He didn’t do anything but lay there in his near fetal position, with the blankets clutched around him.

“Niall,” Liam said again, sliding in closer to him. “We have to get up soon.”

Niall tried to keep his eyes fixated on the white walls of the hotel room as Liam very nearly snuggled up with him. His eyes were bloodshot and in pain – he’d hardly slept the entire night. In fact the only way he’d been able to slightly relax was by moving to the other side of the bed and keeping as far away from Liam as possible.

As Liam got closer to him, Niall felt torn between feeling safe and comfortable, to feeling terrified and wrong. The fact that he was even having these feelings around Liam was making him all the more terrified, and feeling Liam’s bare skin against his own was enough to make Niall jump out of the bed.

“Morning,” he said shakily, glancing down at Liam and crossing his arms and rubbing his shoulders with his hands. He wasn’t particularly chilly or anything, it was just something he tended to do when he was nervous.

“Morning,” Liam replied, giving Niall a look as he stood there. “You’re awfully jumpy.”

“Well, yeah,” Niall said incredulously. He gave Liam a look where he tried to explain with his eyes what he was feeling. It was difficult, given that he himself didn’t even know how he was supposed to be feeling or what he should do.

Normally if he found himself in an uncomfortable morning after situation, he just kicked the girl out of his room. Obviously he couldn’t do that this time given that it was Liam who was here before him. It wasn’t just some random girl who he didn’t care about – it was his best friend.

Niall felt his stomach drop as he remembered in very clear detail the two of them kissing and touching each other. He breathed short, shallow breaths as he remembered unravelling underneath Liam, letting himself go and allowing himself to open up in such a way that he hadn’t been able to in so long.

It terrified him how much he’d needed that. It terrified him that it had been so easy for him to let it happen. It especially terrified him when he remembered how good it had been.

This was not a road he could let himself go down.

And how the hell had Liam, responsible, mature, smart, Liam allowed this to happen? Through the hazy memories, Niall was sure he was even the one who had initiated it. What was that all about?

“We were drunk,” Niall said plainly, glancing at Liam as he voiced the only possible explanation for the thoughts that were running through his mind.

“What?” Liam asked, sitting up slightly and looking at Niall with confusion.

“We were drunk,” Niall said again. “We were drunk and it was stupid and this,” he motioned towards the rumpled sheets of the bed, “Didn’t happen.”

Liam rolled his eyes. “Well, it did happen Nialler, and I really think we need to talk-”

“No,” Niall cut him off abruptly. “We don’t need to talk about it. We were drunk and whatever happened was because Danielle left you, and I,” he paused, running a hand through his messy hair. It always bothered him how the roots of his hair were always so quick to feel so much dirtier than the rest. The bleached tips of it, however, were always so dried out and dead that they seemed to stay cleaner for longer. Niall dropped his hands from his hair. He tried again to focus on what he knew he was supposed to be thinking about, but was trying so hard to ignore. “I… was just drunk. We both needed something, and we were just there. And we were drunk and it didn’t happen.”

Liam sighed, and Niall pretended to ignore the obvious hurt that lingered on his friend’s face. He didn’t understand why Liam wasn’t freaked out about this. Though Liam was always the one who could keep his cool, he was also the most vanilla out of all of them. Niall was sure that making out with another boy wasn’t at the top of Liam’s list of things he was able to remain calm about.

“All right,” Liam said finally. “Whatever you say, Niall.” He pulled the covers off himself and began to retrieve his scattered clothing from the floor.

Niall nodded, sitting down awkwardly on the edge of the bed as he watched his friend leave.

Liam was very nearly at the door, but just before he turned the knob he stopped and turned around to look at Niall.

Niall glanced up at Liam. He didn’t say anything, and he just waited for his friend to continue. He was somewhat worried that Liam was going to try and talk with him again about what had happened, and he opened his mouth to protest.

But Liam managed to speak first. “Promise me you’ll never do cocaine again,” he said seriously, eyeing Niall. If Niall wanted to deny what had happened between the two of them, Liam could deal with that. He wasn’t even sure how he was feeling about it, to be honest. But if there was one thing he knew, it was that Niall had to stop using drugs and alcohol to numb whatever he was going through.

Niall let out a deep breath and gave Liam an icy look. He hadn’t expected Liam to remember that part of it. So instead of letting himself feel ashamed because he knew very well what he was doing was wrong, he chose to just glare at his friend and act as though he could take care of himself.

He didn’t say anything in response. Instead, he continued to glare as Liam silently left the room.

***

There was obvious tension on the tour bus as the boys rode to the next city. Liam had headed straight for his bunk, and Niall had sat himself down in front of the TV, flipping on the PlayStation. He clicked around the menu screen, finally deciding on having a round of Fifa to blow off some steam.

A video game was a good enough distraction for him for now. Later, after the show, he’d find other means of making sure his brain didn’t drift off into an uncomfortable direction. Regardless of what Liam thought.

“Fifa?” Zayn asked, walking into the entertainment area.

“Yeah,” Niall said, not taking his eyes away from the screen.

“Why don’t you ask Liam to play?”

Niall didn’t say anything. That was the last thing he wanted to do. He ignored Zayn, not wanting to say anything about Liam. In fact, for the moment he was quite content to forget that Liam existed.

Zayn sighed and sat down on the small couch. “He’s been quite upset since Danielle left, hasn’t he?”

Niall just shrugged. “I don’t know.” He was hoping that his aloof attitude towards the situation would get Zayn to stop talking about it, but of course that wasn’t the case. Though Zayn liked to let the band members keep to themselves, he also liked to have these heart-to-heart conversations that Niall usually tended to avoid.

“Well, he seems like it. What were you to up to last night? He didn’t want to talk to any of us. He only opens up to you.”

Niall snapped his head around and looked at Zayn. Confusion was apparent on the older boy’s face and Niall sighed. Zayn hadn’t figured anything out – he was simply just concerned for Liam. And at one point, Niall had been concerned too.

Now the only thing Niall was concerned about was the fact that he couldn’t forget the taste of Liam’s lips against his own.

Zayn just gave him a look, as if to ask Niall to say something.

“I don’t know, we just went out,” Niall said, shrugging his shoulders again and going back to his game.

“He seems really upset,” Zayn mused.

“Well Danielle’s gone, what do you expect?” Niall asked, staring at the screen and concentrating as hard as he could on the players in front of him. He didn’t even know how to play Fifa single player – any other time he’d played it had been a team effort with Liam.

“I don’t know,” Zayn said with a sigh. “Everyone’s been having a lot of problems this tour. Liam and Danielle broke up, and that was really unexpected. Harry’s been getting calls constantly from that model he hooked up with in London, she won’t leave him alone, and you…” Zayn trailed off.

Niall pursed his lips together as he tried his best to at least score a goal in this game. He certainly didn’t want to hear anything from Zayn about what he’d been through. And he was sure that Zayn knew he was about to cross a line, which was why he’d stopped.

Or so Niall had thought. “Are you doing alright?” Zayn asked softly.

“Fine,” Niall replied shortly. He wasn’t fine, and he knew that he wasn’t fine, but the very last thing he wanted to do was spill his guts to Zayn. After all, the last time he’d gone and done that, he’d ended up in bed with his best friend.

Not that he could ever picture himself falling into bed with Zayn, but still. And that thought made Niall slightly sick. He couldn’t picture himself falling into bed with Zayn, but Liam was fair game? He gulped a little. Of course it was. He and Liam were far closer than he and Zayn were. If something like that had to happen with anyone, it made sense that it had been with Liam.

Niall just didn’t understand why it had to have happened at all. He mentally cursed his lack of sexual self control.

Zayn didn’t press the issue. Instead, he just walked out the the entertainment room. “You might do better with that if you invited Liam,” he advised. “He could probably use the distraction too.”

Niall didn’t respond as Zayn walked away. He mashed the buttons on the controller, but quickly tossed it aside as the computer controlled players got the better of him.

Without Liam, the game was a lost cause.

***

The show that night was awkward.

Usually the boys were playful with one another, especially during some of the older songs they’d grown tired of over the years. That night, Niall hung back from everyone, making an obvious effort to be on the opposite side of the stage from Liam at all times.

Liam couldn’t do anything about this, of course. Not on stage in front of thousands of people. So, he put all of his energy into his performance. He did try a few times to go over to Niall and sing to him, or sling his arm around him, but it was a lost cause. Niall would just give him a half-smile, which was the stage equivalent of a glare followed by a “Fuck off.”

Liam didn’t know what to do with himself, but luckily he had much of the solos. Instead of focusing on Niall, he goofed around with the other boys, who were more than happy to oblige.

The boys were herded off stage in a whirlwind of pyrotechnics, just as they always were. Niall hated them – he’d always hated them. And as they ran off the stage, he was quick to cover his ears and squeeze his eyes shut. Usually he could just ignore them and just focus on putting his feet to the pavement as they ran for the bus, but that day he just couldn’t deal with it.

“Hey Nialler,” Louis said, lightly touching Niall’s upper arm. “It’s okay.”

Niall was quick to push Louis’ hand off of him. He just wanted to be left alone – he didn’t need anyone reassuring him that he was fine and that he was going to be okay. He certainly didn’t need it from one of the other boys. “Knock it off,” Niall said harshly, glancing up at Louis.

Louis backed off, but not without giving Niall a sympathetic and confused look. “Yeah, sure. Sorry. I know you don’t like the pyrotechnics.”

“No I don’t,” Niall said firmly, sticking his hands in his pockets and staring at the ground as they briskly walked towards the bus.

“What’s with him?” Louis asked, raising his eyebrow as he looked over at Liam.

Liam sighed as he watched Niall get further and further ahead of the rest of the group. “I don’t know,” he lied. Of course he knew. Niall was regretting what they’d drunkenly done the night before. He was feeling awkward at the very touch of anyone of the same sex.

His heart broke as he watched Niall go. Every time Niall ignored him or gave him a look that very clearly told him to go away, Liam felt sick. He’d felt happy and safe and so right as he and Niall had laid together the night before. He felt more at peace with Niall than he had with Danielle. He hadn’t admitted to Niall that he was in love with him, of course, but it still hurt that Niall clearly wanted to forget about the whole thing.

Liam looked at the ground as the boys made their way to the bus. As usual, Niall headed straight for his bunk. Liam stayed in the main area with the rest of the boys, not wanting to be anywhere near his best friend.

Which was odd, because at the same time the only place he wanted to be was back in Niall’s arms.

“He’s not even the same person anymore,” Louis mused, nodding his head towards the bunks.

Harry just nodded in agreement as he stared at his phone.

“I wish we could help him,” Louis continued, slouching back a little in his seat.

“There’s nothing we can do,” Liam nearly snapped, his voice low. “If I can’t help him, you lot don’t have a hope.”

Harry looked up from his phone and shared a confused glance with Louis and Zayn. “Uh,” Harry said cautiously. “I don’t think any of us can help him, Liam.”

Liam just sighed again and avoided the questioning gaze of the other boys. He knew that he probably shouldn’t have reacted quite so harshly. Louis’ comment had been innocent enough – after all, they all wanted to help Niall. Of course, in the past few weeks, that was all Liam had tried to do. He’d tried everything he knew, and he’d still failed.

In fact instead of helping, Liam knew now that he was just adding to Niall’s stress.

And that thought was killing him.


	12. Never Meant to Feel This Way

The bus drove through the night to the next stop on the tour, and the boys were given a welcomed day off when they arrived.

All of them checked into their respective rooms and spent the better part of the day sleeping. Even Niall, who had been restless as all hell into the late hours of the night managed to fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

The night wasn’t without its dreams, however. And lately, Niall’s dreams were becoming more and more vivid. Waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat with his heart pounding was a regular occurrence for him. Especially on the nights he found himself less than sober.

He woke up late in the afternoon, just before dinner time. For a second, he debated going downstairs to the hotel restaurant. Then he quickly reconsidered. After all, he didn’t quite want to run into any of the other boys.

Especially Liam.

Niall ran a ran through his hair and sighed as the image of his best friend crept up into his mind. Liam was always smiling, always happy, always up for a laugh. He’d never judged Niall, not even know that things were so horrible with him and he’d made so many mistakes.

But now there was no way Niall was ever going to allow himself to go back to that friendship. As much as scared him to let it go, it scared him even more when he thought about the way Liam’s lips had pressed against his own, and the way their skin felt rubbing against each other. He shook his head, as if to try and rid the memory from it, but it didn’t work.

It was just as vivid as ever. The only difference was, it hadn’t been a dream.

He took a deep breath and tried to steady his breathing, not wanting to give in to thinking about Liam that way and actually admitting to himself that he was somewhat fond of the memory. He was determined to deny to himself that he had actually enjoyed the experience with Liam and had actually felt comfortable when he’d been in his friend’s arms.

He shook his head, opting to skip dinner and instead went rifling through his bag. Deep at the bottom of his suitcase, he pulled out another plastic bag of cocaine. Liam had gotten rid of the bulk of it, but that wasn’t all that Niall had kept on him. After all, he wanted to make sure that he’d never have to go without.

He clutched the bag in his hand and sat down at the desk. Clearing a space on the table, he poured some of the powder onto the surface and fixed it into a clean line using his credit card. It wasn’t the first time that he’d done this, but it was certainly the first time he’d done so in a hotel room.

But desperate times called for desperate measures, and he wasn’t about to go out to the club. Not with everyone watching him, as he was so sure they were going to be doing after his display of paranoia the day before. The other boys had been careless, and they hadn’t realized that Niall had been listening in to their conversation.

Niall leaned back in the chair and took a deep breath as the drugs entered his system. He was already beginning to feel more alive and less gloomy and alone. He began to wonder how he’d gone so long just drinking alcohol and having a laugh with his friends in the pub. The rush cocaine gave him was always so much sweeter.

He was pulled out of his trance by a light knocking at the door. Niall snapped his head towards the noise and felt his heart race. Who could possibly be there interrupting him? Moreover, how could he get them to leave? He took a deep breath, thinking that maybe if he ignored the sound, whoever was there would go away.

He gulped a little, thinking that it might have been Liam. He didn’t know what he would do if it was. He was torn between wishing it in fact was Liam, because he really did want to see his friend, and hoping desperately that it wasn’t, because he didn’t know what to do with what had happened between them. He didn’t know how to act around Liam when all he wanted was to forget it had happened while at the same time sort of hoping for it to happen again.

“Niall?” he heard a deep Bradford accent call his name. He breathed a sigh of relief and slight disappointment. “Open up, mate. It’s Zayn.”

Niall rushed to cleaned up the desk. He threw the remains of his bag of cocaine into his suitcase, only slowing down to take extra care that it was hidden away from view. He slipped his credit card back into his pocket and wiped the table down with his hand.

“Just a second,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady as he walked towards the door. He checked his reflection in the mirror and wiped down his face, trying to make sure there was no evidence left on it. His heart was still beating fast and his eyes were wide, but there was no physical evidence that he was high out of his mind. He nodded his head a little at his reflection, as if it reaffirm to himself that nothing was off. Out of sight, out of mind.

He sighed again, opening the door and putting his hands in his pockets, trying to act nonchalant.

“What’s the craic?” he asked causally.

“Just wanted to see if you’re alright,” Zayn said, eyeing him.

Niall shifted a little, worried that Zayn could tell that something was wrong. Or maybe that Liam had told him about the cocaine and that was why he was here. Or worse – that Liam had told him that they’d had a little make-out session and now Zayn was here to try and convince Niall to talk to him and sort it out.

Or even worse still – Zayn knew about the make-out session and was here to try and convince him to go back over for another  _round_.

“And clearly you’re not,” Zayn said, eyeing him oddly as he shoved his way into the room. “Talk to me, mate. I know that you’re going through a lot, but maybe if you open up to someone -”

“I don’t want to open up to anyone!” Niall nearly shouted as he paced around the room. He looked down at Zayn, who was now sitting on the hotel bed with his hands folded over each other in his lap. The last time he’d opened up to someone, he’d found himself naked in bed with his best friend, and he couldn’t for the life of him push that memory out of his mind.

It was beginning to haunt him just as much as the thought of Alicia dead on her bathroom floor.

“Alright,” Zayn said slowly, not moving from his position. “Why don’t you come downstairs to dinner with us, then? We miss hanging out with you, Nialler. It’s been such a long time since the five of us have felt a part of a group.”

Niall shrugged, not meeting Zayn’s gaze. He didn’t want to go down to dinner with the others. Especially if Liam was going to be there. Which he most certainly would be, if it was going to be the five of them. The thought made Niall positively ill as the image of Liam’s lust filled eyes flashed inside of his mind once again.

“No,” he muttered, absentmindedly scratching his arm in frustration.

“Why not?” Zayn pleaded. “What have  _we_  done that you’re shutting the four of us out?”

Niall continued scratching his arm harder, letting his blunt, bitten nails dig through his skin. “I…I don’t know,” he forced out. He considered for a brief moment telling Zayn what happened, so his friend would just leave him alone. He quickly reconsidered when he realized that wouldn’t be the case. Zayn would look at him in disgust, tell him that this was the last straw, that he was positively disgusting and that he was out of the group.

“Whoa, Nialler,” Zayn said, standing up and gently pulling Niall’s hand away from his arm. “You can’t be that itchy,” he laughed a little, looking at his friend’s scratched up skin with pinpricks of blood beginning to poke through.

Niall shrugged, tapping his foot instead.

“If you won’t talk to me, maybe you’d rather talk to Liam?” Zayn suggested lightly.

It was innocent enough – everyone in the group knew that Niall and Liam were best friends. They were arguably the closest out of the five boys, even Louis and Harry. The suggestion wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, and Niall knew that under any normal circumstances it would be Liam sitting in his room begging him to talk instead of Zayn.

But these weren’t normal circumstances, and Liam was avoiding him for the very same reason.

Because what they’d done was wrong and bad and neither of them wanted it to happen ever again.

“No,” Niall said softly, feeling his heart speed up again. This time, it had nothing to do with the cocaine.

Zayn sighed, putting his hands in his pockets and eyeing the Irish boy. He looked broken – a shell of his former self. His eyes were glassed over and he was breathing heavily. “Niall,” Zayn said quietly, cocking his head to the side and trying to meet the younger boy’s eyes. “We all really want to help, but we can’t if you don’t let us in. So come on, why don’t you and I go over and talk to Liam. He’s locked himself in his room too, and I reckon he needs a friend just as much as you do. You two could probably help each other.”

Niall looked up at Zayn in horror. If only he knew how much  _helping each other_  he and Liam had done, he probably wouldn’t be suggesting such a thing.

Niall imagined himself jerking away from Zayn and screaming at him that no, he really didn’t want to go see Liam at all. He wanted to stay as far away from Liam and his help as possible.

But he didn’t. Even in his inebriated state he knew that doing so would only show Zayn that something was very, very off. Zayn would prod for information, he’d find out and… Niall didn’t want to know what would happen next.

So instead he nodded slowly, allowing Zayn to take his hand and lead him out of the hotel room. The two of them walked silently down the hall, and Niall watched his hand carefully. Zayn’s touch both comforted and scared him. He didn’t know which feeling was more powerful, so he kept clinging to him.

He only clung to him tighter as Zayn stopped in front of Liam’s hotel room and tapped on the door.

Liam answered almost instantly. A look of confusion and possible happiness washed over his face as he saw the two boys standing there.

“Hey Li,” Zayn said with a smile. “Look who I found.”

Liam just nodded. Niall looked at the ground.

“I didn’t think it made sense for the two of you to be alone in your hotel rooms moping about, so I brought him here.”

Again, Liam nodded. Niall continued to look at the ground.

Zayn watched them both with confusion. “I know you’re both going through a lot, but you’re best friends. If anyone can help either of you…well…” He motioned towards the two boys, dropping his hand from Niall’s and nudging him a little into Liam’s room.

Niall looked back at Zayn, but he couldn’t quite leave and tell the two of them to go to hell. That, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to. So he used the fact that he didn’t want to risk Zayn figuring everything out as his personal justification for stepping into Liam’s room.

“Could you give us some time alone?” Liam asked Zayn quietly.

Zayn nodded, looking relieved that the two boys were at least going to wallow in their own self-pity together instead of alone in their respective rooms. “Yeah,” he said. “Of course.”

Liam nodded a quick thank you to him and shut the hotel room door.

Niall glanced around the room with worry.

“Nialler,” Liam started softly, not knowing what to say to his friend.

Niall shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to sit down and risk something else happening. He looked at Liam for a split second. His friend looked so concerned and sad. He almost wanted to kiss the pout of his face.

Then he berated himself for thinking such a ridiculous thing. Had Liam not kissed him in the first place, none of these thoughts would even be crossing his mind! It was Liam’s fault. Liam was the one to blame for adding to his stress.  _Liam_  was the one to blame for making everything awkward and confusing.

“Why’d you do it?” Niall asked sharply, beginning to pace around the room because standing still was proving to be an impossible chore.

“Do what?” Liam asked, raising his eyebrow.

“You know!” Niall shouted. “You know what, so don’t play dumb. Why’d you…” he looked up at Liam, hoping his friend would get it and that he wouldn’t have to utter the words “Kiss me.”

Liam indeed got it. In fact, he hadn’t wanted to explicitly get it so quickly so that Niall would have to say it out loud and admit to himself what had happened. Because it was obvious that the younger boy was in complete denial. Which had been the story of his life for the past few months, really. Niall had always been good at taking life in stride and ignoring any problems that were thrown his way.

Now that he had real, big problems to deal with, that coping mechanism wasn’t working out so well for him.

Liam sighed. What was the reason he’d done it? He was so madly in love with Niall that it made his heart hurt. He had wanted to kiss away his pain and hold him close and feel his life next to his own. Instead, he shrugged. “You looked so sad,” he admitted. “You looked so lost and sad and you thought that you were horrible,” he mumbled. “I wanted you to know that you’re not.” It was a far cry from admitting to Niall that he loved him, but it was a start.

Niall looked up at Liam and stopped pacing around the room for a moment. He watched as Liam looked down at the ground, looking just as ashamed as Niall had felt earlier that day. Was it possible that his friend was feeling just as much regret about it as he was? And if that was so, Niall wasn’t sure why he was hurt by that.

“Liam,” Niall said softly, not really knowing what to do, but gulping down some air to try and steady the beat of his racing heart.

Liam met Niall’s eyes sadly, and for a moment, Niall understood what Liam was talking about. All he wanted to do was hug his friend and wipe the pout off his face. Niall inched closer to him, wrapping his arms around him and hugging his friend tightly.

Liam clung to him, holding his friend and rubbing his back slightly. The two boys breathed heavily. Liam, because he was filled with relief that Niall didn’t actually hate him. Niall, because his body was so filled with intoxicants that he could hardly think clearly.

Niall pulled away from Liam slightly, but the two of them still held onto each other. They searched each other’s eyes for a moment, before leaning in closer yet again. But this time, instead of nuzzling his head in Liam’s shoulder, Niall craned his neck upwards to meet Liam’s lips with his own.

Liam had half a mind to push Niall away, but he didn’t. He loved Niall and wanted this to happen far too much to put a stop to it. Instead, he let Niall’s mouth move against his own, holding him tighter still as the two of them stood there. Niall kissed him so easily and effortlessly, he didn’t even care that they were complicating their relationship further.

He moved his hands from their resting place on Niall’s back and slid them upwards, letting them get tangled in his friend’s short, highlighted hair. He gingerly touched Niall’s cheek as his tongue entered his mouth.

Niall clung tighter to Liam, digging his fingers into his friend’s clothed back. He pressed himself against him, wanting to be closer, ignoring all of the cautions in his mind and instead responding only with the cues from his body.

Liam pulled away from slightly, as he had to for them to proceed any further. He opened his eyes slightly and looked down at Niall.

Niall’s eyes were half-closed and bloodshot, his breathing was short and shallow and he looked up at Liam. His friend’s brown eyes watched him, and that was when Niall registered what he’d just done and what he’d initiated.

It had been easier when he could just blame Liam, but now that he was the one who had started it?

“Oh God,” Niall said, jerking away from Liam’s grasp. “We can’t, I didn’t…”

“It’s okay, Nialler,” Liam said, reaching out to rub his friend’s arm slightly. That was when he noticed the marks on his friend’s arm. Coupled with his nervous attitude and his rapid heartbeat, it wasn’t hard for Liam to figure out what had gone on. His tone did a complete one-eighty as realization hit him. “You’ve been using again, haven’t you?” he asked harshly.

“No,” Niall lied. “I haven’t done anything.”

“You’re lying,” Liam shook his head, glaring at Niall. “You’re lying to me; your best friend. I asked you to stop it and you didn’t.”

Niall rolled his eyes, finding it easier to focus on arguing with Liam rather than the fact that they’d just kissed again. “It’s not a big deal, Liam,” he shrugged.

“It is a big deal,” Liam nearly shouted at him. “It is, because you’re becoming someone who I don’t even know. I don’t even particularly like this side of you or who you’re turning into.”

“I really couldn’t care less,” Niall almost laughed.

“Just go,” Liam said to him, running a hand through his hair. “Get out.”

“Gladly,” Niall spat, walking briskly out of the room and slamming the door behind him.

Once Niall was gone, Liam took a deep breath. He sat down on the bed and looked at the floor. He wished he could put his feelings for Niall aside, but of course he couldn’t. Instead, he took a deep breath, put his head in his hands and let the sobs that had been building in the back of his throat spill over.

He hadn’t a clue how to help his friend, and until he figured that out, their relationship was going to suffer. Whatever the definition of it was – or if they even had one at all anymore.


	13. Fallen Angel

The concert the following night was less than stellar.

Niall had spent the entirety of the day holed up in his hotel room, sleeping, staring out the window or trying to concentrate on anything on the TV. The boys had gone out to do press, but Niall had managed to convince Paul that he was too sick to do so and needed to spend the day resting in order to be prepared for the show.

It wasn’t a hard sell, he really did look sick. He wasn’t fit for any interviews anyway and he probably was better off in his room. No good would come from him looking sad and uncomfortable the whole day. In fact, it would probably be worse press for them that he was uninterested rather than just sick and needed to rest.

Unfortunately, his day spent moping about in his room didn’t serve to improve his performance that night. He lazed around the stage, he forgot the lyrics to  _Live While We’re Young_  and when Liam put his arm around him as he always did during  _One Thing_ , Niall jerked away and glared at him.

He’d forgotten they were on stage for a moment, but when he realized it he didn’t quite care. All he wanted was to be far away from Liam and his judgemental and hurt eyes.

Niall sighed as he stood on the edge of the stage, waving his arms and at least trying to interact with the crowd. Inside, he was dying. He wished he had less of a conscience so he could have at least gotten high before the performance. But doing cocaine and then stepping out on stage to perform for a bunch of twelve-year-old girls was too much even for his skewed brain. The shred of self-control he had left when it came to drugs was completely used up when it came to performing.

They made it back to the hotel without incident, and Niall walked hurriedly up to his room. There was no way he could go out, and he wasn’t quite sure he wanted to. Paul would give him hell if he went out partying after he had claimed he was too sick to work that day, so he spent the evening in his hotel room yet again.

After putting the chain on the door to prevent any of the boys coming in and showering him with concern, he dug through his suitcase. Underneath his shorts and hidden inside of his Boston Celtics hat was the very same plastic bag he’d hidden the night before when Zayn had showed up.

Niall breathed a little sigh of relief as he picked it up and sat down at the desk. This time, he set out three lines, needing more of a rush than ever after the day he’d had. After Liam had touched him and looked at him.

He didn’t need Liam’s help. He didn’t need anyone’s help. All he needed was to forget everything that was going on and get really fucked up for a little while.

He breathed the first line in easily, almost effortlessly. It was gone just as quickly as he’d set it out. He didn’t even lean back to savour it as he leaned over the table and took in the next. He shook his head a little, sighing as he leaned over the third.

His heart was already pounding, and his senses were coming alive but he needed more. He needed to feel alert and happy and to forget everything that was going on in his mind.

He could still see Liam’s concerned face, so the two lines clearly weren’t enough. He smirked a little to himself as he leaned over and took in the third.

Once it was all gone, he leaned back in his chair and looked at the ceiling. It was white with dark specs, and they seemed to dance before his eyes as he looked at them in amazement. He breathed deeply as his heart sped up in his chest, feeling as though it was going a million miles a minute.

Unable to just sit still as the mere sight of the ceiling was beginning to make him feel dizzy, Niall stood up and started pacing around the room. He walked from one end to the other and back again and again. His heart rate kept increasing and he was beginning to find it harder to breathe.

“Fuck,” he muttered to himself, wiping his face with his hands and wiping the sweat on his jeans. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…”

He swallowed a little as he continued to pace around, not knowing what else to do. His goal had certainly been accomplished, he wasn’t thinking about Liam anymore. Now, he was thinking about how this wasn’t what he was used to experiencing and how it was all too much.

He cursed himself – that third line was over the limit for him. He paced faster, trying to will off the sick feeling in his stomach as he felt his blood pump through his veins and his body start to heat up. He laid down on the bed for a moment, closing his eyes and trying to concentrate on the blackness inside his eyelids.

There was nothing. Nothing but the thoughts inside his head he was trying so desperately to escape. He felt sick and tired and alert and hot. He reached up to run a hand through his hair, and his fingertips tingled as the moisture from his scalp touched them.

He breathed heavily, not knowing what to do. He didn’t usually feel this way. Sure, there was some increased paranoia every time he did cocaine, but now he was beginning to feel overly afraid and vulnerable. He was worried about things he didn’t normally care about, like if the sick feeling in the pit of his stomach got to be too much and he ended up ruining the hotel comforter. Paul would surely kill him and he’d have to pay for it and that worry was all it took for him to go darting off to the bathroom.

He clung to the sides of the toilet bowl, but nothing came up. Instead he just sat there, wondering how his life had gotten to such a point.

It should have been so easy. He’d fallen in love with a beautiful girl and they’d carelessly slept together – a lot. She’d gotten pregnant, but she’d had an abortion. The public found out about it, the world decided they hated her, she couldn’t take it, broke up with him, and still couldn’t take it, so she’d killed herself. Niall himself hadn’t been able to take that and had self-medicated to the point where the only person who had cared about him was Liam.

 _Liam_. The one person in the world who had still cared and now he didn’t even want anything to do with Niall.

That was all it took for Niall to start violently throwing up, half missing the toilet but unable to move or stop himself.

***

The ceiling was very boring, but that didn’t stop Liam from looking up at it intently, hoping it would solve the problems ailing his mind.

He couldn’t believe he’d gone so far as to throw Niall out of his room the night before. What was that going to accomplish? It wasn’t going to help him, if anything it was going to shove him further into the throws of his addiction that he wouldn’t even be himself anymore.

Liam had only wanted to help Niall, and he sure as hell wasn’t doing a great job at it. He sighed to himself, feeling guilty and once again wanting to hug his friend and tell him that it was okay. That he didn’t hate him at all, that he was sorry and that he would help him get through whatever it was he was going through.

He didn’t even want to kiss him again, he just wanted him back as his friend.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He did want to kiss him again. Very much so – but he would settle for being friends. He could deal with the fact that his feelings were obviously very one-sided and that Niall was simply confused. He would push his love and affection down his own throat and swallow it whole if it meant that he and Niall could go back to normal. No kissing, no cocaine. Just normal. They way they’d been before all of this.

He sighed, getting up and deciding that the only way to fix things wouldn’t be just moping around in his room. He actually had to go talk to Niall and explain everything to him. He would have to confess his feelings to him and just tell him the truth so that they could try and move past it.

But more than anything, he would have to apologize to his friend and tell him that no matter what, he would be there for him.

Liam walked down the hall and stopped in front of Niall’s door, not hesitating as he knocked on it.

No answer.

“Niall,” Liam said gently. “I know you’re upset with me, but we really need to talk. I just want to apologize to you.”

Nothing.

Liam rolled his eyes, but stood his ground. He didn’t care if Niall was upset with him, but he didn’t want to be ignored. Especially if Niall was in there getting high. He couldn’t take away his friend’s pain, but he could certainly stop that from happening. If even just for the night by way of distracting him. “Niall, come on. At least say something to let me know you’re alright.”

Again, nothing. The silence was what worried Liam. There was no indication of movement, no shout from Niall telling him to go away and that he was fine.

“Niall,” Liam said shakily. “I’m coming in.”

Liam reached into his wallet and pulled out Niall’s room key, which he’d commandeered from Paul earlier. At least Paul was sympathetic to the situation, knowing that the boys only had Niall’s best interests at heart. If only he know how bad things were with Niall, but of course Liam was far too loyal to divulge that information.

To a fault.

Liam opened the door, but was stopped short as the chain stopped him. Liam frowned, unable to get into the room through any means on account of the chain on the door. “Niall,” Liam said firmly. “Unchain the door. Come on.”

But there was still more of that eerie silence. Liam peeked inside, noticing Niall’s white Supras by the door. He was in the room – and this confirmation only scared Liam further. “Open the fucking door,” he tried, hoping the cuss word would elicit some kind of a reaction out of Niall.

But there was still nothing.

“God dammit, Niall,” Liam shouted, shoving his weight against the door in an attempt to break the chain. It didn’t work and pain shot through his side. “Fuck,” he muttered, tears springing to his eyes on account of the pain.

“Liam!” Louis shouted, stepping out of his hotel room with Eleanor at his side. “What in the bloody hell are you doing?”

Liam looked over as the pair walked towards him. He clutched his arm and shrugged. “Niall’s in there,” he said dumbly.

Louis and Eleanor exchanged a look. “He’s always in there,” Louis said, as if it were completely obvious. Because it was true. Niall spent more time in his hotel room than anywhere else as of late.

“No,” Liam said frantically. “He’s in there and he’s not answering and,” he paused, looking away from Louis. “I think something’s wrong.”

“Okay…” Louis said awkwardly, looking up at Liam with confusion. “Well you’re holding his room key, just open the door.”

Liam shook his head. “I tried that, he has the chain on.”

“Maybe he’s in there with a girl,” Louis reasoned.

“No,” Liam shook his head both in denial because he didn’t want to think about that, and because he knew it wasn’t true. Niall hadn’t brought any girls back with him to the hotel after what had happened last time he had done so. Besides, if that had been the case Niall would have shouted at him to leave long ago. “Louis,” he pleaded, “I think something’s really wrong.”

Louis looked at Liam, searching his face for some kind of answer. “Well what do you expect to do?” he asked with slight annoyance. “Break the door down?”

Liam shrugged.

“Though it looks as though you’ve already tried that,” Louis said, eyeing the way Liam was holding his shoulder. He looked back at the door. “You really think he’s hurt?”

“I don’t know,” Liam said. “I don’t actually know but I would never be able to forgive myself if something really was wrong and I just walked away.”

Louis nodded. He didn’t completely understand where Liam was coming from, and he got the feeling his friend knew something that he didn’t. Liam was usually sensible and calm. For him to be frantic like this was out of character and even if nothing was wrong with Niall, Liam wouldn’t be acting in such a way without good reason.

“Okay,” Louis said, backing up a little. “Let’s knock the door down then.”

Liam nodded, joining Louis and ignoring the searing pain in his shoulder. He handed Eleanor his room key, and she proceeded to open the door, standing as far away from it as possible while still holding it open so the two boys could ram their weight against it. It popped open easily and they nearly fell into the room from the force of it all, but managed to keep themselves upright.

“Fuck,” Louis shouted as they stepped further into the room, surveying it. “He’s not even…”

The words fell out of Louis’ mouth as the two of them noticed Niall laying in an unmoving lump on the bathroom floor. “Shit,” he breathed, looking down at him. Their blonde friend was passed out on the tile in a pool of his own vomit.

“Nialler,” Liam said, stepping into the bathroom and leaning down to touch him. “He’s burning up,” he said with a mix of worry and relief.

He glanced up at Louis and Eleanor. The three of them didn’t say anything, but they were all thinking the same thing. At least he was alive.

“I didn’t realize he was that sick,” Louis said with confusion, glancing back down at Niall as Liam stroked his hair.

“I don’t think he’s sick,” Liam muttered, looking back down at Niall. His friend was breathing, for which he was grateful for. Breathing – but still unconscious. His worries hadn’t been unfounded after all, and Liam felt a combination of terror, relief and sadness all at once. “Call an ambulance,” he said softly, unable to raise his voice.

Louis didn’t question him. He didn’t need to ask why – the reason was clear. Hell, the reason was lying there right in front of them. Eleanor placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder as he shakily pulled out his cell phone to make the call.

Liam looked back down at Niall and felt tears pool in his eyes. Now, whether Niall liked it or not he was going to get the help that he so desperately needed.

That was, if he lived through the night.


	14. Silence Is So Loud

The boys were ushered into a private waiting room in the hospital after Niall was admitted. The ambulance had come to the hotel and the boys had followed quickly behind it in a car, meeting up with Paul once they got there.

The air was thick and quiet. No one said a word as they occasionally made eye contact with each other. Eleanor held tightly onto Louis’ hand. Zayn tapped his foot on the ground, texting Perrie every so often. Liam looked at the ground and didn’t do or say anything.

Harry glared at him as he watched Liam over and over again draw in a shaky breath. It had taken everything he had to not give Liam a piece of his mind when they were in the car. When Liam had explained to them that Niall wasn’t just sick with the flu – that he was sure he’d had a cocaine overdose.

A suspicion that had been confirmed by Paul once they’d been ushered into the room.

“Knock it off, Liam,” Harry muttered, shaking his head and looking at the ground.

The others all turned to look at him as he broke the silence.

Liam glanced up at him in shock and confusion. As far as he was aware, he wasn’t doing anything. In fact, he’d just been sitting there quietly, occasionally chocking back a sob or trying to steady his breathing.

“What?” he asked shakily.

“I said knock it off,” Harry said louder, giving Liam a look. “You don’t get to sit there and look sad, like you feel bad that all of this happened.”

Liam looked at Harry in confusion. Of course he felt bad that all of this had happened. He didn’t understand why Harry was taking his frustration out on him. “What are you talking about, Harry?” Liam asked, looking at him tiredly. “I haven’t done anything.”

“Yes, that’s just the problem, isn’t it?” Harry spat, leaning over in his chair so he could get a better look at Liam. “You haven’t done anything. There’s not a bloody thing that you’ve done. You knew about this, you knew he was doing cocaine, but did you tell any of us? Did you tell anyone?” he nearly shouted.

Liam looked away from Harry. The other boys didn’t say anything. Instead they just let Harry rant – with good reason. Even though his words were harsh, they weren’t untrue.

“No,” Harry snarled. “You didn’t. You kept it to yourself and didn’t say a word about it.”

“I thought I could help him,” Liam mumbled, knowing how much trouble that sentiment had caused. Still, it was his only defence for his behaviour as of late.

“You thought you could help him?!” Harry shouted, walking over to Liam and standing in front of him. “Well, look how well that turned out. You didn’t help him, Liam. You nearly killed him!”

Liam couldn’t quite argue with that, so he just looked away from Harry and stared down at the ground, tears welling up in his eyes again. Harry was right – in his efforts to try and control the situation and help Niall himself he’d only made it worse. He hadn’t fixed anything and he’d only pushed his friend further over the edge. There was nothing he could have done to stop it and he’d only let the problem go on by keeping it to himself.

“Enough, Harry,” Louis said softly, walking over to Harry and gently putting his hand on his friend’s shoulder, pulling him away from Liam. “Yelling at him isn’t going to help.”

“He should have told us,” Harry said, turning his head to glare at Liam as he walked back to his seat.

“Yes, he should have,” Louis said calmly, looking at Harry then looking back over at Liam. “But we know now, and there’s nothing we can do.”

“You’re lucky you found him when you did,” Harry said slowly, sitting back down in his chair and continuing to glare at Liam, ignoring Louis’ pleas to stop. “You think you feel guilty now? You’d feel a hell of a lot worse if he was dead.”

“Shut up, Harry,” Liam muttered, not wanting to hear anything more. He didn’t care that Harry (and likely the others) were upset with him. The only thing he cared about was that Niall was going to come out of there okay.

Harry scoffed and leaned back in his chair, knowing that he’d gotten his point across. He was upset with Liam, yes, but screaming at Liam and placing the blame on him made this easier for him to cope with. It gave him something to focus on other than the fact that Niall was being treated for a cocaine overdose of all things. It drove him mad that there was nothing he could do or could have done for his friend, and in a weird way, that made him understand where Liam was coming from.

But Liam was a physical manifestation where he could place his blame, so he continued to project his anger onto him, albeit silently.

“I’m going to make some calls,” Paul said, looking over at the boys. “We’re going to have to cancel the last couple of European shows.”

The four boys just looked at him intently, waiting for him to continue.

“Fans were at the hotel and saw the ambulance. They’re going to wonder what’s gone on with Niall,” he said slowly. “You’re going to get asked about it, and you’re going to have to answer. He’s got the flu, and going out on stage tonight made it worse,” Paul said, looking at the four of them as if to convince them that was what had actually happened.

They nodded, not daring to say a word of protest.

“The word ‘cocaine’ is never to be uttered in public, got it?” Paul asked, looking at them sternly.

Again, the four boys nodded silently.

“There’s more,” Paul said, looking down at his emails and typing furiously as he spoke to the boys. “For the remainder of the tour, when you go over to the states next week there will be a counsellor joining you. She’ll mostly be with us to help Niall, but if any of you need to talk to her about this or anything, don’t hesitate. We can’t have this happen again. We can’t let anyone’s problems get this out of control.”

More nodding, along with some uncomfortable glances shared between the boys.

“I’m really sorry it had to come to this, boys,” Paul said regretfully. “We should have gotten help for him sooner.”

And just like that, the four members of the group, Paul and Eleanor joined in a six-way group hug. No matter their anger and frustration with each other over the situation, they all had one thing in common at the moment.

The hope that Niall was going to be okay.

***

The night spent in the hospital waiting room droned on and on. Paul was on and off the phone, talking with management and getting things in place for the counsellor to join them once they were shipped over to the states in a few days.

Zayn had nodded off in his chair, as had Harry. Louis and Eleanor were talking softly, playing games on their phones and trying to keep their spirits up.

Liam was the only one who continued to gloomily look at the floor and feel sorry for himself. With good reason. Every time he looked at the others he only felt envy and remorse. He wished he was removed enough from the situation to be able to relax enough to sleep, like Zayn and Harry. He wished he had something to do to keep his mind off of it, like Paul did.

He even wish he had someone to lean on, like Eleanor and Louis.

But he didn’t. The person he loved and wanted to lean on in times such as this was the very person he was worried about at the moment. So he just sighed to himself, looking at the ground, feeling awful and wishing he could change it.

He wished he could go back in time and tell Paul that Niall had been doing cocaine. He even wished he could go back in time and not have kissed Niall, because he was certain that had been a part of what had pushed Niall so far over the edge. He wished he would have just pushed his friend away when he’d come onto him again.

Not because he hadn’t wanted to kiss Niall, but because he’d seen to shock in his friend’s eyes when he’d realized what he’d done. He didn’t even know why Niall had kissed him again in the first place, because it seemed like he really hadn’t wanted to.

But anything Niall did lately was a mystery to Liam, so that shouldn’t have come as a surprise.

Liam looked up as a doctor opened the door to the private room. He motioned to Paul, and Paul hurriedly left, shutting the door behind him. Liam glanced over at Louis and Eleanor, who just shrugged, and gave him a sympathetic look.

Liam looked up at the ceiling, and before he had time to start back into his downward spiral of self-pity again, Paul returned.

“Niall’s awake,” Paul said softly, looking at the other boys.

At his words, Zayn opened his eyes from his light sleep. He nudged Harry, and Harry opened his eyes as well.

“Niall’s awake,” Paul said again, addressing the two boys who had just woken up.

A sigh of relief was shared by all five of them in the room.

“He’d like to see you,” Paul said, looking over at Liam. “You can go in and talk to him if you’d like.”

Liam glanced around at the others, unsure if he actually should go talk to Niall and if he had blessing from them to do so. After all, they very clearly blamed him for what had happened. Was it really right that he was the one to go talk to Niall first?

“Go on, then,” Harry said, yawning a little and waving Liam towards the door. “He asked for you, after all.”

Liam nodded, feeling a little bit better as he stood up and left the room. He met the doctor outside and was ushered down the hall towards Niall’s room. The doctor, opened the door to Niall’s private room, and Liam nodded a quick gratitude to him as he stepped inside.

He took sight of Niall, and sighed with a little more relief. Tears welled in his eyes for what felt like that millionth time that night as he saw his friend. He was hooked up to a heart monitor, and the constant stream of blips would have annoyed him in any other circumstance, but instead he found them to be comforting.

It meant Niall was alive, and that he was going to be okay.

“Nialler,” Liam breathed, sitting down next to him and looking at him with concern.

“Hey,” Niall said, his voice hoarse as he turned his head to look at Liam. “They said you were the one who found me.”

“Louis and I, yeah,” Liam nodded, not taking his eyes off his friend.

“Thank you,” Niall said gratefully, gulping down the lump that threatened to rise in his throat. When Paul had told him that Liam was the one who had suspected something was wrong and had even gone so far as to convince Louis to break the door down, Niall had felt a mix of emotions. He had been so angry with his friend, so hurt and so confused as to what was going on with their relationship.

But more than anything, he felt that same sense of comfort and relief. Liam didn’t hate him. Liam hadn’t wanted him to die. Liam obviously didn’t think he was terrible at all. Through everything that Niall had done, both to Alicia, himself, and even to Liam, Liam didn’t hate him at all.

And that level of love, whether romantic or not, Niall couldn’t even comprehend.

“I wasn’t going to let you die,” Liam said, and at his words both boys tears spilled over. Liam leaned over, and Niall hugged him tightly, clinging to him and sobbing into his chest. Liam’s sobs were quieter, tears just fell down his face as he steadied his breathing, letting out all the stress that had accumulated over the course of the evening.

“Promise me, Niall,” Liam said, pulling away and looking at him. “Promise me that now, you’ll be done with it. No more drugs, no more going out and partying…”

Niall just nodded. This time, he meant it. He never wanted to feel the way he’d felt hours ago ever again. That awful feeling of helplessness and fear that he was going to die in the hotel room bathroom in a foreign city without anyone knowing about it until it was too late.

“No more shutting me out,” Liam said softly, looking in Niall’s eyes.

“Liam,” Niall started, not quite knowing what to say. He was still confused and lost and scared. He didn’t even know what his feelings for the older boy were, if he had any at all. “I don’t…”

“I don’t care about any of that other stuff,” Liam said, shaking his head slightly. “Anything that happened with us doesn’t matter. Don’t worry about it, we don’t have to talk about it,” he assured him. “I just want you to go back to being my best friend.”

Niall nodded with relief. That, he could do. He didn’t want to have to worry about any growing feelings for Liam or any sexual attraction and what that meant. He didn’t have the mental capacity to do so, and he wasn’t sure he ever would. Not for a long time, anyway. He wasn’t in the right mind to think about falling in love with anyone, let alone another boy. “Okay,” he said softly. “I won’t shut you out.”

Liam smiled at him, and reached up, wiping a stray tear away from Niall’s eye with his thumb. He leaned over and hugged his friend tightly again.

They’d hit rock bottom, but from here on out, things could only get better.


	15. Half Asleep

Niall stepped into his complex and sighed as he dragged his luggage up the stairs to his apartment. He’d spent a day in the hospital being checked out, he’d endured a stern talking to from Paul, and he’d been informed that he was to be on his best behaviour when the group made their way to the states in two days. He had also been told that there was going to be a counsellor travelling with them on that tour, and that he was going to have regular sessions with her.

After all of that, he was just happy to be back home for the next couple of days. He didn’t have any interest in going out and getting drunk – he wasn’t even sure he wanted to touch alcohol after what had happened. Passing out in a hotel bathroom after being in so much pain from throwing up for what had felt like an hour straight wasn’t something he wanted to experience again. Nor was the sick thumping of his heart or the screaming noise in the back of his mind shouting at him that he was surely going to die.

It sent a chill down his spine as he remembered it.

He fumbled with his keys for a moment before unlocking the door and stepping inside. Almost instantly, he was greeted by his mother, who rushed over to him and wrapped her arms around him tightly.

He certainly hadn’t been expecting that, given that he’d had no idea she was going to be there waiting for him.

“It’s so good to see you,” she said, clinging to him.

Niall frowned a little, awkwardly hugging her back. Their relationship had become a little strained ever since the whole abortion incident, but it wasn’t as though he wasn’t happy to see her. He just felt it a little strange that she was there.

It was then that he looked further into his flat and noticed his older brother sitting on the couch. Niall looked at him, and he got up and walked over to the two of them.

His brother joined his mother in their hug, and Niall stood there quietly for a moment. Then the reality and fear sunk in.

They must have  _known_.

“Paul told me,” Maura said almost accusingly as she pulled away from Niall. He gulped, knowing that he was probably going to be in for it now. Which was likely why Greg had joined her. Niall was just grateful his father wasn’t there as well – although he likely would have been a little more easygoing about the whole thing.

“Yeah,” Niall said awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck as he looked down at his mum. Greg kept his hand placed firmly on Niall’s back, and Niall sort of wanted to push him away, but he didn’t. Instead, he just stood there, waiting for Maura to continue.

“Why would you keep something like that from me?” she asked him harshly. “You could have died,” she said angrily, but Niall didn’t miss the tears that were beginning to well up in her eyes.

“I didn’t want to worry you,” he said simply, putting his hands in his pockets. It wasn’t entirely a lie – he hadn’t wanted to worry her unnecessarily. But he also didn’t want to admit to her that he’d nearly overdosed on cocaine. Not after the way she’d reacted upon hearing that Alicia had had an abortion.

“Not just about that,” she said, putting her hands on her hips and looking at him the way only a mother could. “About everything. If you were hurting so much that you had to turn to drugs you should have come to one of us,” she said, looking like she was about to break. “You should have talked to one of the other boys,” she said, her voice cracking. She hugged him tightly, and he wrapped his arms around her again.

He found it slightly odd that he was the one comforting her, considering what he’d just gone through, but it didn’t really bother him. After all, he didn’t really want it to be the other way around. That was what had gotten him into this mess in the first place – the need to cope with things on his own and not let anyone else in.

Maura pulled away and looked at him. “I’m going to go make you something to eat,” she said, touching his cheek slightly before leaving the room and walking into the kitchen.

Niall exhaled slowly, finally stepping further into his apartment and sitting down on the couch. He eyed his brother, who was still standing there a little awkwardly.

The two of them had never quite gotten along growing up. Now that they were older, their relationship was a little better, but Niall still didn’t feel overly close to him. He wasn’t sure he ever would.

“You’re bloody stupid,” Greg said, giving him a look.

Niall darted his eyes away from him and looked at the ground. Yes, he was well aware of that. He didn’t need his brother to lecture him – certainly not when he didn’t have any clue how he was feeling or what was going on in his brain. Sure, Greg was aware of the Alicia situation, but there was so much more Niall was worried and confused about now.

Things that he didn’t dare speak out loud to anyone – especially not his family.

“Knock it off, Greg,” Niall said cooly, not interested in breaking down and having a heart-to-heart chat. “I know.”

“I don’t think you do,” Greg said, sitting down next to him. Niall shifted over on the couch and crossed his arms over his chest. “I know you girlfriend died-”

“Ex-girlfriend,” Niall reminded him bitterly. As if that made the situation any better.

“Right,” Greg corrected himself. “Ex-girlfriend. But that doesn’t make it alright for you to go out there and hurt yourself. You getting all messed up isn’t going to bring her back. It’s not going to fix it.”

“You don’t understand,” Niall muttered.

“Maybe I don’t,” Greg said with a sigh, leaning forward and trying to meet Niall’s eyes. “I know that you must be hurting and that it’s not easy for you that someone you loved is gone. The way that you feel right now? If something were to have happened to you, that’s the way mum would feel. So if you think that you going out and getting pissed to the point where you’re nearly dead is going to solve all of your problems, it won’t.”

Niall thought about that for a moment, but he didn’t say anything. He hadn’t looked at it that way before. In fact, he was so sure that he was the scum of the earth and that everyone hated him that he’d never even considered the fact that his behaviour was hurting the people who loved him.

True, he knew that Liam loved him, and that the other boys loved him, but he’d nearly forgotten that besides them there were other people who cared as well.

“You don’t want mum to go through what you’re going through, do you?” Greg asked him quietly, but there was a firmness in his voice. “To have to deal with losing her youngest son?”

“No,” Niall said, stilling looking at the ground and shrugging a little.

“She loves you, Nialler,” Greg said seriously, and Niall looked up at him, raising his eyebrow a little. “I know that things have been tense between the two of you, but she does. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have flown me out from Ireland to come here and stay with her until you got home. Hell, she was almost on a plane out to Manchester to visit you in the hospital. I had to talk her out of it.”

“Thanks,” Niall mumbled, not knowing what else to say. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if she had shown up in Manchester – he didn’t think he would have been able to handle that in his broken state. He was grateful that Greg seemed to know that.

“Just lookin’ out for you,” Greg said, patting Niall on the back slightly.

“There we are,” Maura said, choosing that moment to walk back into the living room. Niall wondered how much of their conversation she had heard, but he didn’t ask about it. She placed a plate with a sandwich on it on the table in front him, and looked at him.

Niall nodded at her as he picked it up and ate it, as though to appease her. Even though he really was quite hungry.

“What, nothing for me?” Greg looked at her with a cheeky grin.

Maura shot him a look, indicating that this wasn’t the time for his jokes. “You didn’t have any food at all in your kitchen,” she said, turning to Niall as she sat down in the chair across from him. “I had to go out shopping.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” Niall said in between bites of his food. “I usually just go out for food when I’m only here for a few days.”

But Maura just continued to watch him. “No, you needed to have some groceries in your house.”

“Translation,” Greg laughed, standing up from the couch and walking out of the room to go make himself something to eat. “She’s not going to let you go anywhere.”

Niall smiled a little and looked up at his mum. She laughed slightly, but Niall knew that Greg was right.

And even though his relationship with his family had been a little awkward for the past few months, he was glad to have them there with him. For the next couple of days, until he went to the states, he could at least pretend that everything was back to normal.

***

Normally, Liam would have welcomed the two days off with open arms. Or more accurately, a lay in his bed. With or without Danielle, that was fine.

But of course Danielle wasn’t there and wouldn’t be lying in bed with him anytime soon. His time off was likely going to be spent alone, and though he usually would have been okay with that he found himself growing restless.

The time they’d spent in Manchester had been hell, to put it lightly. Aside from Niall’s cocaine overdose they’d had to do press and explain why their last two European tour dates had been cancelled. The fans had been devastated, but luckily most of them understood.

Understood the fake story that they were being fed, but understood nonetheless.

Liam felt guilty, because though Niall had thanked him, he still though he was to blame for everything getting out out of control. Harry’s words had stuck with him, and now more than ever he felt as though he’d let not just Niall down, but himself and his bandmates. The fans as well. Some of them were now not going to get the chance to see the concert, and he felt horrible just thinking about that.

Being alone with his thoughts for two days had done some strange things to him. He had been over to his parents’ house to visit his family a couple of times, but it was doing him little good. He couldn’t talk with them about what was going through his mind, and he kept on a false happy face as he tried to make the most of the time he could spend with them.

He sighed, picking up his phone and scrolling through his contacts. Giving Harry a call was out of the question, as he was likely still annoyed with him. He tended to stay that way for quite some time. Zayn was probably busy with Perrie, and Louis…

Well, Liam figured that if he could talk to anyone, it would probably be Louis.

He was right, because Louis answered his phone after only one and a half rings. “Hi Liam.”

“Hi,” Liam said, sounding very much like a dejected Ross Gellar.

“Enjoying your time off, then?” Louis asked cheekily and Liam relaxed a little. He knew he’d made the right decision in who to call.

Even though really, the person he wanted to call was the exact person he knew he should keep his distance from. Or should he? He wasn’t quite sure and he supposed that was the entire reason for the phone call with Louis, even though he couldn’t explain everything, he could surely talk with him about some things under the guise of worry for his friend.

It wasn’t exactly a guise, but it was better than admitting to Louis that when he thought about Niall his heart physically ached.

“Yeah,” Liam said in the most unconvincing way possible.

“Yeah, it’s been a nice couple of days, hasn’t it?” Louis said easily. “It was good that we got some time off after all of that.”

Liam pouted a little, and he was grateful that Louis couldn’t see him do so over the phone. “Yeah, about that…” he wasn’t able to really stop himself, but he didn’t know what to say to Louis.

“What?” Louis asked.

“Have you talked to Niall?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound too obvious or foolish. After having spent two days away from him, it was strange to not have had any contact with him. He’d told Niall that everything was going to be fine, and that was true, but he was still worried about him. He’d gotten so used to having him around and now that he didn’t he felt so scared and unsure.

He was sure that was just an effect of how Niall had been acting lately and his need to watch his friend’s every move to make sure he didn’t hurt himself.

Though that hadn’t exactly worked out well for him.

“No,” Louis said, sounding a little awkward. The light carefree tone was removed from his voice and had been replaced with a more serious one. “I haven’t heard from him, but I think that’s alright.”

“Yeah?” Liam asked, sounding a little more anxious than he’d intended. “Are you sure, because -”

“Liam,” Louis cut the younger boy off quickly. Where Liam was usually the sensible one, the roles were often reversed when it came to his relationship with Louis. He couldn’t very well play Daddy Direction to someone who was nearly two years older than him, after all.

“Yeah?”

“He’s fine. He’s not getting into any trouble. His mum and brother are with him in London. Do you think Maura would let anything happen to him under her watch?”

Liam shrugged, but couldn’t help feeling a pang of guilt. He hadn’t intended to let anything happen to Niall on his watch, and look what had happened. Though Maura probably had a little more sway with Niall than he did. “How did you know that?”

“Paul told me,” Louis answered simply.

“Well, do you think I should give him a call?” Liam asked, because he felt as though he should. Even if Niall’s family was with him, he wanted to hear for sure that the blonde boy was okay.

“I don’t think so,” Louis said. “I really don’t. He’s with his family and he’s fine. We’ll see him tomorrow when we go to the states, but I think until then we should just leave him be. The last thing we want to do is overwhelm him.”

“Yeah,” Liam muttered. He knew Louis was right but that didn’t stop him from wanting to speak to Niall and hear for himself that his friend was still alive. “I suppose you’re right.”

“Chin up, mate,” Louis said, and just like the the lightness in his voice returned. “We’ll see him tomorrow and we’ll begin the US tour with a fresh start. I know you’re worried, but Niall’s going to be okay.”

“Yeah,” Liam said, even though he was quite sure he believed the entire ‘fresh start’ thing. “Okay. See you tomorrow, Lou.”

“Bye,” Louis said, and hung up the phone.

Liam put his head in his hands and took a deep breath. He tried to let Louis’ words resonate in his mind. Niall was with his family and he was going to be okay. He wasn’t going out and partying, and he certainly wouldn’t be doing any cocaine with his mum staying with him.

Objectively, Liam knew that the boy he loved had probably been safe for the past two days. He pictured Niall laughing and talking with his mum and began to feel a little better.

Still, every time he thought of Niall’s smiling face it was coupled with the memory of him unmoving on the bathroom floor.


	16. The Ghost of Yesterday

Niall felt like a small child being dropped off at school for the first time. He sat with a pout in the passenger’s seat of his mother’s car as they pulled up to the airport.

The past two days had been awkward. Naturally she hadn’t let him out of her sight and strangely he’d been somewhat okay with that. He hadn’t realized how much he hadn’t wanted to be alone until she was there with him. He didn’t have the desire to go out and party and forget about his problems because whenever his mind began to go to a dark place his mum was there with a comforting look or a mug of tea.

It was almost as though she knew.

Now he was headed back to his life on the road, and Niall knew that was going to be decidedly harder. There were a number of reasons for that, but right now the only thing he could focus on was his mum and how much he was going to miss her and how much he wished that she was coming with him.

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright?” Maura asked him as she stopped the car.

“Yeah,” Niall lied, trying to put on a brave face for her. No, he wasn’t sure at all that he was going to be alright. He didn’t even know what ‘alright’ meant anymore.

The two of them got out of the car and Niall reached into the trunk, pulling out his two large suitcases and his guitar case. Paul was waiting nearby and walked over to them. He nodded a quick greeting to Maura and grabbed Niall’s luggage, carting it off into the mound where the rest of the boys’ suitcases sat.

“I love you,” Maura said, pulling her son in for a hug.

Niall held onto her tightly, not really wanting the moment to end. Somewhere deep down he loved his life and he loved his career, but at that moment all he wanted to do was go back to Ireland and be coddled. The last thing he wanted? Well, jetting off to a foreign country was high on that list.

“I love you too, Mum,” he said sincerely. “Thank you.”

“Take care,” she said, pulling away from his grasp and smiling at him. “You be good out there and do what Paul says, you hear me?”

“Yes,” Niall nodded.

“No more of this fooling around,” she said to him sternly.

“No more,” he confirmed, and he tried his best to mean it. It was easy for him to say that when he was standing right in front of her, but when he was back out on the road? He wasn’t so sure. But he was going to try – and he knew that at least Paul would be keeping a watchful eye on him.

Plus he had to have counselling sessions, so even though he was still feeling nervous and apprehensive about the prospect of that, he knew that they would help. They wouldn’t bring Alicia back or change the past, of course, but hopefully he would at least be able to accept what had happened and move on.

With that, when he once again thought of Alicia, he wrapped his arms around his mother again, and she gratefully accepted.

Niall felt a tapping on his shoulder, and turned his head to see Paul looking at him. He sighed, pulling away from Maura.”

“Sorry to take him from you,” Paul said sincerely, looking at her. “But we’ve really got to get going.”

“Take care of him,” Maura said seriously, eyeing Paul a little. Niall couldn’t help but gulp, knowing that she probably partially blamed Paul for what had happened. Even though it obviously wasn’t his fault at all – he hadn’t known what had been going on. And Niall had become an expert at lying.

“I will,” Paul replied, nodding at her just as seriously. He playfully put his arm around Niall, as if to lighten the mood. “Come on then,” he said. “The other lads have already all been through security.”

Niall nodded and gave his mum another nod goodbye before silently walking off with Paul towards the security gate. Paul followed closely behind him as Niall went through the process of emptying his pockets and taking off his shoes. That part was easy – he just had to do one step at a time. Walking through the metal detector? No problem. He could do that.

It was when he and Paul were both past the security checkpoint and walking through the gate that he began to feel nervous again.

He didn’t know what he was going to do when he saw the other boys. Sure, he’d visited with them all when he was in the hospital, but that had been an entirely different situation. Emotions had been running high and it wasn’t out of place to say strange things.

Now that he was expected to act normal, he almost didn’t know what to do. He shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at the ground, following behind Paul as he studied the stitching on his Supras.

“Here we are,” Paul said, stopping at their gate. Their flight was to be boarding in a few minutes, and they didn’t have a lot of time. Niall sat down in one of the seats closest to the aisle of the airport. He glanced over at the others.

Everything seemed normal, just as he’d predicted and that almost made it all worse.

Harry was fiddling with his iPod. Louis was on his phone, likely texting his girlfriend. Zayn was doing the same.

And Liam?

Niall could hardly look at him, but he stole a glance out of the corner of his eye when he was looking at Louis, who was sitting beside him. Liam was just sitting there, playing with his iPod but looking rather blue.

Niall wished it wasn’t so awkward, but he really didn’t know what to say to him. After all that had happened and all that he’d been through, the one thing that was now sticking in his mind was his very strange relationship with Liam, and the how and why it had all changed.

He wasn’t sure if he felt sick or nervous or scared or excited or what but he did know that he just wanted to stay quiet and get on the plane and go to the states.

Actually, he wanted to stay quiet and get on a plane and go to Ireland, but that wasn’t an option.

So he just kicked his feet a little and looked at the ground as he waited for their boarding call to be announced.

It didn’t take long for their flight number to be called over the intercom and the boys lined up, knowing that they were going to get in for pre-boarding as they usually did. Liam glanced over at Niall, but wasn’t able to meet his friend’s eyes. He sighed a little, but didn’t make any effort to go over and talk to him. Niall seemed to want to be alone.

“Hi mate,” Louis said to Niall, slinging his arm over the blonde boy’s shoulders and shaking it slightly. “Good to see you.”

Niall gave Louis a small smile, but he still didn’t seem like himself.

Liam found it rather off putting. He hadn’t liked it when Niall was angry and upset and avoiding them in favour of being an addict, but this Niall wasn’t good either. He just wanted his carefree friend back who had a smile that could light up a room.

This Niall seemed to have a dark shadow cast over him. A dark awkward shadow that no one quite knew what to do with.

So Liam just looked away from him, because he didn’t know what to do or say in this kind of situation. Through all of the awkwardness, there was still that underlying relief. That even though Niall looked sad and unsure of himself, he also didn’t look dazed and out of it. He wasn’t drugged up, and he was in control of his thoughts and actions.

That was something that made Liam’s heart swell with happiness.

***

The flight to America was always long.

Liam leaned his head against the window, closing his eyes and trying his best to fall asleep. He felt tired and restless all at the same time. The soft music in his earbuds did little to help and he sighed, looking across the aisle.

Niall was in the other window seat, and he seemed to be fast asleep. At least, it looked as though he was. His hood was up and his bleached blonde tips were poking out of it, his eyes were closed and his mouth hung open slightly.

Harry was seated beside him, and he too appeared to be asleep. His head was rested on Niall’s shoulder, and though Liam didn’t like it, he felt a slight pang of jealousy. He wasn’t sure why and at the same time he was – the boys were all very affectionate with each other, but Liam wanted to be the one who got to rest on Niall.

Now he wasn’t sure he ever would be again.

He felt so selfish for thinking of it like that. Niall had so many problems and here he was focusing on his unrequited love for him. He wasn’t even sure it was unrequited, but that didn’t really matter. Nothing could happen with them until at the very least Niall was secure with himself again.

That was the worst of it, because through all of that love, he really just wanted to help Niall. In trying to help him, he’d only made it all worse. Liam thought that love was supposed to bring people together, but it seemed as though lately it was only ripping them apart. Niall’s love for Alicia, Danielle’s love for him, his own love for Niall…

Liam almost hated himself for loving him so much.

“He seems to be doing a little better, yeah?” Zayn asked softly, leaning over to Liam and nodding towards Niall and Harry.

“Yeah,” Liam said. “Seems that way.”

“He’s not quite himself,” Zayn mused, shaking his head and crossing his arms over his chest. “But I suppose that’s to be expected. At least he seems to be on the path. He’s not shutting us out anymore.”

“He’s not letting us in either,” Liam pointed out, feeling guilty for even thinking it.

“No, not really,” Zayn nodded. “But you know, that counsellor’s going to be there when we get to America. She’ll help him out.”

Liam nodded. Niall was going to get the help he needed – and even if he wasn’t going to be the one who would be able to help him, he was grateful for it. After all, the end goal was that Niall would get better. Liam was just going to have to accept the fact that he wasn’t going to be the one to help Niall meet it – in fact, he had hindered it.

But no one seemed to be judging him for that anymore. The boys all seemed to have moved on from the scene that had happened in the hospital room when Niall had been admitted. That was the wonderful thing about their group – they were all so forgiving and so loving. They had their moments, but they always pulled together easily.

Again, Liam felt a pang of guilt, because he was worried he’d nearly ruined that for everyone in his selfishness.

“He’s going to be alright, Liam,” Zayn said, looking at him intently. “I know he’s your best friend and you’re worried about him, but as bad as it is to say, the worst has already happened. Things will get better for him from here, you’ll see.”

“I know,” Liam responded automatically. He looked over at Niall again and smiled as the blonde boy shifted in his sleep. Upon doing so, Harry shifted a little as well, and the two boys’ expressions changed ever so slightly. Niall’s mouth still hung open, but his lips were curved up just a little.

The sight of this made Liam feel as though he could relax a little. He closed his eyes and once again leaned his head against the window, trying to fall asleep for the remainder of the flight.

As he drifted off, the only thing running through his mind was the small smile on Niall’s face and how that was the mark of the boy he loved. Underneath all the sorrow and pain, the Niall that Liam loved so much was still there.

He only hoped that soon,  _that_  Niall would be at the surface again.


	17. Erase All the Pain

As soon as the boys landed in Miami, they were whisked away through the private exit of the airport without so much as a chance to breathe. There was no option for Niall to hang back, he was shoved in with the other four, a tight circle of security around them. Despite still feeling a little awkward, he realized he was just going to have to get used to this.

Their North American tour was officially on the go.

“Can you believe this, lads?” Louis asked, gazing out the tinted window of the car that was driving them to their hotel for the night. They should have been jet lagged, but they were too wired and excited for that. Instead they sat in the car, relishing in the fact that they were actually in America, and were about to embark on their third summer tour there.

After all this time, it still seemed surreal.

While Louis and Zayn looked out the windows and at the skyline of Miami with delight, Harry fiddled around on his phone and Liam and Niall stayed quiet.

Well, Liam tried his best to stay quiet. He couldn’t help but watch as Niall looked out the window as well, but with a look of far less fascination than the others held. Liam knew it wasn’t because Niall was getting a big head about everything. It was because his mind was elsewhere.

He just wished he knew where it was. All feelings for him aside, he’d meant what he said at the hospital. He just wanted their friendship back.

He was really going to try and not let it affect him. It was easier said than done, but Liam was determined to try. He knew Niall wasn’t going to be the one to take the first step, so he had to. Besides, he was going to have to talk to him eventually.

“Exciting, yeah Nialler?” he tried, forcing a smile on his face.

Niall turned to look at him, his eyes still glazed over slightly. “Uh, yeah,” he said with a nod. “Yeah.” He turned to look back out the window, the sunlight illuminating his soft features.

Liam sighed, because he was really trying to not let it affect him.

He opened his mouth, very nearly about to make a joke about South Beach, but then snapped it shut. That would certainly do no good, especially since Niall was obviously not supposed to be partying, he was supposed to be trying to stay clean.

Liam wondered though if Niall wanted to have that intoxicated life anymore. He’d seemed genuine at the hospital. He’d looked a fright – as though he’d really thought he was going to die and maybe that had scared the need to do any more drugs out of his system.

He simply didn’t know, and that pained him. He had no idea what it was like to go through everything Niall had, and it was only getting worse. Before it had just been the Alicia nightmare, but now it was so much more than that.

“Niall,” Harry said, interrupting Liam’s thoughts. Liam tried not to make it look as though he was watching them, though really he was intently listening.

“Yeah?”

“You fancy going out for a bite later?”

Niall just shrugged.

Liam felt his heart break in his chest. It was just another sign that this Niall sitting with them wasn’t the same one that they knew.

“I don’t know.”

“You gotta eat,” Harry reasoned. “And I know you love the restaurants in America. Come on, we can all go out, just the five of us.”

At this Louis and Zayn’s attention was turned from the windows to the other boys. “What’s this?” Louis asked.

“The five of us. Dinner. We don’t have a show tonight. Gotta kick off the tour right, don’t we?” Harry asked with a grin.

Niall smiled just a little and Liam took notice of this. It was times like this was so grateful for Harry. He wasn’t one with the helpful advice or who always made the best decisions, but he always knew just how to be the glue that held the five of them together right when they needed it the most.

Even with something as simple as dinner.

“Yeah,” Liam said. “All right.”

“That’s all well and good, lads,” Paul interjected, glancing back at the five of them. “But don’t forget that when we get to the hotel, Niall’s busy for an hour.”

Liam noticed Niall shift rather uncomfortably.

“Right,” Harry said, not making any direct mention of the fact that Niall had his mandatory first meeting with their travelling counsellor that afternoon. “Well, afterwards.”

“Yeah,” Niall said, breaking the thick silence that lingered in the car. “Sounds good.”

***

Once the boys had arrived at the hotel they had been split up and put into their respective rooms. Niall laid down on his bed. He wasn’t sure what the others were up to, and he didn’t really care. The only thing on his mind was how he was told that he had to stay in his own room because the woman who had been hired to travel along with them was going to be headed there to meet him.

He wasn’t sure if he was looking forward to it or not, to be honest.

For starters, he was annoyed with management for setting this whole thing up. He hadn’t even gotten a say, they’d just hired someone. As far as he knew, she was American because she hadn’t flown over from London with them. Instead he’d been told she was going to meet up with them in Miami.

There was also the added stress of the expectation that he was going to have to divulge all his secrets to a complete stranger. That alone was something he feared, regardless of where this took place, whether on tour or in an office back in Ireland.

Even though the help was being forced upon him, he really did want it. He just wasn’t sure he wanted to take the path to recovery. He wanted to feel better, but he didn’t want to have to go through all of the hard steps of getting to that point. He didn’t want to feel so empty and confused and lost anymore.

Just as he closed his eyes, there was a soft knock at his door.

He sighed, knowing that there was no use in ignoring it. He glanced through the small peephole before unlocking and opening the door.

Standing before him was Paul and a tall woman with shoulder length blonde hair. Niall gulped anxiously and she smiled at him warmly.

“Niall,” Paul said, looking down at the blonde boy calmly, but sternly. “This is Jessica.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” she said, holding out her hand for him to shake.

Niall reluctantly accepted, feeling more and more strange by the moment. Why had he been so stupid as to do three lines of cocaine? Had he not he wouldn’t even be in this situation! Then he quickly remembered all of the reasons he’d decided it would be a good idea to do so many hits in the first place. It made him feel a little sick.

“Yeah,” he said, nodding at her slightly. Then he stepped aside and allowed her into his room.

“She’s going to talk to you for an hour, but if you need longer, that’s all right,” Paul said, looking at him. “Do you want me to stay?”

Niall shook his head. If talking to a complete stranger about the mess that had become his life seemed bad, talking about it in front of Paul seemed all the more worse. “No, that’s okay.”

“All right, I’ll be off then,” Paul said, nodding a quick goodbye to the two of them and leaving, shutting the door behind him.

Jessica sat down in the plush chair beneath the large window in the room and looked at Niall. He sat down on the edge of his bed that faced her, not really sure what to do or say. He didn’t even know if he was supposed to be the first one to speak or what. He didn’t exactly want to just get right into it because he had no clue where to start.

Luckily Jessica was trained in that sort of thing.

“So, Niall,” she said warmly, looking at him easily, even though he was sort of averting his gaze to the floor. “Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

Niall raised his eyebrow. That was a weird question, given that she obviously knew everything there was to know about him, and what she didn’t know she was there to help him sort out. Why should she care about anything that wasn’t his drug addiction or dead ex-girlfriend?

Or possible affections for his best friend, but he wasn’t even sure he wanted to get into that, despite the fact that it had creeped into his mind.

“What?” he asked. “You mean like, how I took three lines of cocaine and almost died? Don’t you already know that?”

She didn’t let his attitude faze her, and Niall wasn’t sure if he found that off-putting. Usually he was the one in control when he talked to people, and he wasn’t liking the fact that she was obviously an easy person to talk to.

“No,” she said, keeping an even and calm tone in her voice. “We’ll get to that. Just tell me about yourself a little bit.”

“Like what?” He had no idea what she was on about. Wasn’t she supposed to be helping him and not making ridiculous small talk?

“Anything you think is important. How can I help you if I don’t feel like I know you?”

Niall shrugged. He supposed that made sense, and he wasn’t entirely eager to get to talking about all of his problems right away anyway. “I don’t know,” he said finally, even though he was still a little weary. “How do I know you’re not going to go off and sell this story to some magazine?” he questioned. He was being a little bit paranoid, and he very well knew it.

“Aside from the fact I’d lose my licence,” she said with a shake of her head. “I’d never do something like that to anyone.”

“Yeah?” Niall asked, still holding his guards up, even though he wasn’t quite sure why. He knew he was going to have to talk to her eventually, Paul would make sure of it. But how was he supposed to spill anything if he didn’t feel like he knew her? “Maybe you tell me about yourself first.”

“Okay,” she said. “That’s fair. I grew up in Indiana, and I went to college there too. I knew I wanted to get into counselling ever since I was in high school, since our school had a really great counsellor. I’ve been doing this for… quite a while and I really, really enjoy it. I love helping people. And when I’m not working I like listening to music and writing.”

Niall nodded, thinking that was all very blase, but at least she seemed genuine. “Why’d you apply for this job, then? Is it because you saw it was for some messed up popstar and you wanted to see what really went on with One Direction?”

She shook her head. “No. I didn’t even know this had anything to do with you or your group until I accepted the job, they never said who it was for. I was looking for a new job with a change of scenery, and this one offered a change of scenery daily.”

Niall felt a little better upon hearing that. “Yeah,” he said, not really able to argue with that. Despite how hard he’d found touring to be recently, he really did enjoy the thrill of being in a different city every day. He could hardly imagine going to work in the same office day in and day out.

“So are you ready to tell me a bit about yourself now?”

He shrugged, not really knowing what to say. His whole life didn’t even seem to make sense anymore, and to be honest he wasn’t even quite sure who he was. “I grew up in this small town in Ireland, but I live in London now. I get on pretty good with my mum, I guess,” he said, thinking about how much he missed her at that moment. “I like a bit of football and obviously guitar and singing.”

He looked at her, thinking how oddly simple his explanation of his life had been. Really, everything felt overly complicated.

“Yeah?” she asked him. “What’s that like, living in London compared to where you grew up?”

Niall frowned a little, wondering what that had to do with anything as well as worrying that she was going to go into some in-depth analysis of his childhood. He didn’t really need any of that – his childhood had been fine. Even through his parents’ divorce he’d been okay.

“I don’t know,” he said. “It’s just different. There’s always something to do and there’s loads of people around all the time. I’ve got so many friends, but…” he stopped, not really wanting to finish that sentence. Not really wanting to tell her that he had so many friends but he often felt alone.

She didn’t press him. Instead, she changed the subject a little. “You obviously love being in the group,” she smiled. “You guys are really good.”

Niall looked at her oddly. “Yeah? You actually know our songs and stuff?”

She couldn’t help but laugh a bit at his humility. “Of course I do,” she said. “You’re on the radio all the time. Anyway, it’s clear that you really love it.”

“I really do,” he nodded, because he really did.

“Tell me about it,” she said. “How did all of this happen for you?”

He relaxed a little. This was easy – he could tell her about all the good parts of his life. He smiled a bit. “I auditioned for X Factor,” he began, and in no time he was rattling off all the high points of his career.

Nevermind the voice in the back of his head that shouted at him whenever he said Liam’s name. Because every time he thought of Liam, he remembered kissing him softly. And that was definitely something he wasn’t ready to deal with, so he didn’t focus on it.

The rest of the hour went by before Niall realized it. He supposed that was probably a good thing, given that he hadn’t even wanted to talk to this woman in the first place. Now, he found himself focusing on the positive things in his life and everything good that had happened to him in the past few years rather than all of the bad that had happened in the past few months.

***

None of the boys wanted to touch the subject of Niall’s counselling session at dinner, and for the he was relieved. He wasn’t really sure what he would tell them, and he still wasn’t sure how he felt about the whole thing. Sure, Jessica seemed nice enough, and he’d felt better after talking to her.

It was just that he knew tomorrow, he was going to have to start telling her real things and trying to sort out all of his problems.

At the mere thought of that, he remembered everything that had gone down, and the food in his mouth suddenly lost all flavour.

“Niall?” Harry asked, giving him a look. “You all right, mate?”

“Yeah,” Niall said after swallowing quickly. He took a large sip of the glass of water in front of him. “Fine.”

Liam glanced over at Niall. He wanted to tell him how much brighter and happier he looked after just talking to someone about his problems for one hour – but he didn’t. Like the others, he didn’t want to touch on the subject of the counselling, and he wasn’t even sure how to go about asking.

But he really did want to let his friend know that he cared, and he didn’t want things to be awkward between them.

He picked at the last of the french fries on his plate and scooped of the dessert menu. “What do you say, Nialler?” Liam asked, glancing over the glossy piece of paper. He knew Niall was always up for dessert. “You want to share one with me?”

Niall looked down at his half-eaten burger and the few spare fries left on his plate. Honestly, he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to finish his meal now, let alone eat dessert.

Plus, there was something off about sharing with Liam. He didn’t think it would have bothered him so much had it been any of the other boys who had asked. He likely would have told them no, that he didn’t think he could eat anymore. But with Liam he was suddenly thinking about all the weird, romantic connotations that came with sharing dessert, along with the fact that he felt bad for denying his friend.

Still, his stomach churned at the thought of putting any more food into it. Now that he was worrying about all of his problems again, he felt sick and empty. He’d felt better after his first session, but he was well aware it was going to take time.

And without drugs or alcohol to numb the pain, all Niall could to was sit there and feel gloomy.

“Nah, that’s all right,” Niall said, shaking his head slightly and pushing his plate away a little bit. “I’m stuffed, really.”

Liam nodded, putting the menu back in the wire holder he’d pulled it from. The other boys exchanged a glance, but didn’t say anything. After all, Niall forcing half his meal down and coming out to eat with them was an accomplishment in itself. It was clear to all of them that he was really trying.

“Cheers, lads,” Harry said, raising his water glass and breaking the silence that had washed over their table.

“To what?” Louis asked him oddly, raising his eyebrow and stifling a giggle.

“To the beginning of our American tour,” Harry said with a confident grin.

The five of them looked at each other. They shrugged, but they couldn’t help but raise their glasses as well. It was a bit odd, sitting in a Denny’s toasting to their tour that hadn’t quite begun yet, but it was rather fitting for their group.

As they clinked their glasses together, Niall and Liam caught each other’s eyes and smiled awkwardly. Liam took a quick sip of his drink and Niall looked back down at the table.

Things were far from being completely repaired between them, but they hoped that in time, they would turn out to be okay.


	18. Get on With the Show

The boys spent the better part of the next day getting prepared for their first show of the North American leg of the tour. They had two soundchecks – one without the fans and one with. They had done their usual VIP meet and greet, they’d eaten dinner and now they were standing backstage waiting to go on.

As the day had been busy already, there hadn’t been time for Niall to meet with Jessica again. Truthfully, he was thankful for that, not really wanting to concentrate on his problems while he had a relatively busy day ahead of him.

It was obvious that he was nervous. He took a deep, albeit shaky breath as they heard the familiar noises of the beginnings of the show. The fans screaming as the lights dimmed, the video starting to play, the band orchestrating those first few notes…

Niall suddenly felt very, very sick to his stomach.

“I don’t want to go on,” he muttered to no one but himself.

He felt like total shit every time he thought about the fact that the last two European shows had been cancelled on account of him. Sure, the fans had understood, but they just thought he was sick through no fault of his own. If they had known the truth, that it has been his own stupidity and his own carelessness that had caused all of that to happen, he was sure they wouldn’t have forgiven him.

Much like everything else that had happened. His own carelessness really was to blame for the mess of his life as of late. Although he’d felt a little better after his talk with Jessica the day before, being back at the venue and in the throws of his career reminded him of how he’d felt last time he’d been on stage.

He looked at the ground and clutched his microphone tight in his hands. He only had a minute now before he had to run out on stage.

Because he couldn’t bail, could he? He glanced back at the exit door. Maybe if he dropped his mic and ran, no one would notice he was leaving. Or maybe no one would care and the tour could carry on without him and his messed up self. They wouldn’t have to worry about him getting counselling and getting help. He could just leave the group and go back to London and find his mum and then the two of them could go back to Ireland and -

“Niall?” Liam asked softly, putting his arm around his friend.

Niall was pulled out of his thoughts and looked up at Liam. Again he drew in another shaky breath, but at least he felt a little comforted. And at feeling comforted, he then reeled back a little, because he didn’t like that Liam made him feel comforted. He didn’t want to have to deal with those feelings when Liam had told him that things could go back to normal between them.

But of course, Liam had done those things even before their relationship had entered that grey area. They’d always been affectionate with each other. All of the boys had. To not act in such a way would be worse than to just simply try and go back to normal.

So Niall relaxed a little bit and allowed Liam’s arm to stay around his shoulders.

“Yeah?” he croaked out.

“You alright, mate?” Liam asked, glancing down at him and giving him one of those friendly smiles.

“Yeah,” Niall gulped, but it was painfully obvious he was lying.

Liam gave him a nod of encouragement, know that he was likely nervous about the show on account of the fans that had been disappointed back home. Normally Niall loved performing – well, they all did, but Niall couldn’t get enough of it. He had a true stage presence that was unmatched and since his life had been in shambles he’d lost that spark.

He likely didn’t feel ready to go out on stage at all, but unfortunately with the demanding career that they had, he didn’t have a choice.

“Oi, Nialler,” Harry said, stepping in closer to him and Liam. “You can do this. We can do this.”

Niall nodded, still looking down at the ground. He really did want to be here – but he didn’t want to be here in this mindset. Not when he still had so much self doubt.

“Come on then,” Harry said, pulling Niall and Liam in close and motioning for Louis and Zayn to join in as well. The five of them formed a tight group hug.

They bowed their heads down a little and just stood there, drowning out the fans and the music. They had only a few seconds to do this, but it was better than nothing. They all glanced at one another.

Niall forced a smile on his face, feeling slightly better that he had such supportive friends.

“Too bad we don’t have a little chant or something,” Louis laughed.

They all grinned a little, glancing at each other. They pulled away from their embrace, but Liam couldn’t help stealing another glance at Niall.

He wanted everything to be normal, but he didn’t even know what that line was anymore. Even though everything, he still wanted to be his best friend. And as his best friend, he was determined to show him that he was still loved.

Which was completely messed up, as he was madly in love with him and Niall was well aware of that.

“Let’s do this,” he said, tapping Niall’s shoulder slightly with his hand before pulling back. Niall nodded, and as the music built up the boys took a deep breath, ready to run out onto the stage.

There was no more time to think or over analyze as they walked briskly through the curtains and ran out onto the stage. The music contained to boom around them, giving the crowd a chance to scream and get adjusted to the fact that their idols were on stage.

Niall looked out at all the girls screaming their adoration and undying affection for their group. There were dozens of signs in the crowd, and probably hundreds more that he couldn’t see. Most of them were standard – hearts and glitter and pictures of the boys.

But there were a few oozing their support for him –  _Get Well Soon, Niall!_  And the like. Niall felt his heart swell. He knew he probably should have felt more guilty – after all, there was no way that these fans had any idea he was dealing with something much more serious than a bad bout of the flu.

But still, the sentiment was the same. Niall imagined briefly that if the fans ever were allowed to know what had truly gone on, that they’d still be supportive.

But there was no time for him to mull it over as the opening notes to  _What Makes You Beautiful_ began to play.

He glanced over at the other boys, gulping and smile as they smiled right back at him.

The only one of them who didn’t was Liam, because he had to start singing, of course. Niall’s eyes lingered on his friend as his lips moved to belt out the familiar lyrics that Niall knew well.

_“You’re insecure, don’t know what for. You’re turning heads as you walk through the door.”_

The crowd screamed as they usually did, and Niall turned his attention back to them with a smile. Insecure? He definitely was. But hopefully soon, he wouldn’t feel that way anymore.

***

“What a show, lads!” Louis laughed as the boys were whisked quickly back to their bus. “I mean, there’s nothing like playing in America! Nothing!”

The others couldn’t argue with that. After all these years, it was definitely still surreal to them that even halfway around the world they still had fans who knew their names and sold out their shows.

Liam nodded as he watched Louis grin with pride, not seeming to care that they were surrounded by bodyguards and that they had to make it back to the bus before the stadium let out and they were bombarded.

He glanced over at Niall, who was preoccupied with wiping his face with a towel. That was probably for the best. Niall had actually seemed like his old self during the show. He was still a little off, but it was likely that none of the fans would have even been able to notice. He was loud, interacting with them and giving his performance his all.

The only thing that seemed off was that he was still less touchy with Liam. But Liam was sure that was to be expected. Besides, he had to admit that when he put his arm around Niall during _One Thing_ , just as he always did, it was nice to not have Niall move away.

He had flinched slightly, and hadn’t initiated any contact on his own, but it was a start.

And even though it was small, it actually put Liam over the moon. Because it was a sign that things could possibly one day go back to the way they were.

Which was definitely better than the mess their relationship had been in up to that point.

“Liam!” Louis laughed as the group of them approached the bus. “Where’d you go, mate?”

“Huh?” Liam asked, snapping back to reality as they were rushed onto the bus. “I’m right here, Louis.”

Louis just giggled and gave Harry a look. Liam had to fight to roll his eyes – he would never understand the secret language that the two of them seemed to have.

“Right, but I asked you if you wanted to have a round of Fifa when we got on the bus, and you completely ignored me.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t want to play Fifa with you,” Harry reasoned, and his comment was met with Louis elbowing him in the ribs.

“That can’t be it, because Liam loves a bit of Fifa. Besides, we still need to settle the score from last time.”

“Right,” Liam said. Truthfully, he wasn’t really listening to Louis. Instead, he watched as Niall quietly played around on his phone, walking over to his bunk without a word.

Louis raised his eyebrow and followed Liam’s gaze over to Niall. He glanced back at Liam, the two of them now standing in the kitchenette area. “Yeah, I don’t think Niall wants to play Fifa with you. Though could you be even more obvious that you’d rather be playing with him? I know that he’s good with corner kick Liam, but I think that you’ll find-”

“Knock it off, Louis,” Liam snapped without even realizing how uncharacteristically harsh he was being. It wasn’t that he’d rather be playing Fifa with Niall – he was just concerned for his friend. As he had been for the past few months! The fact that Louis was going on and on about it was just making Liam paranoid. He was drawing too many metaphors from what Louis was saying that weren’t even intentionally there.

In fact, the only reason for Louis to have suspected something was going on was by Liam’s sharp reaction only a moment prior.

“Uh, okay,” Louis said dumbly, unsure of how to react. “So no Fifa then?”

Liam sighed. He didn’t particularly want to play Fifa with Louis, but there wasn’t much else he could be doing. If he didn’t do that, he’d probably just go back to his bunk and attempt to sleep while really tossing and turning and over analyzing things in his head.

So really, Fifa was probably the better of the two options.

“No, sorry, let’s play Fifa,” Liam said, forcing a smile on his face in an attempt to calm himself and not worry so much. “But you’re not playing as England.”

Louis scoffed. “No, of course not. I’m playing as Spain, I want to actually win. It figures you’d play as England…”

Louis continued talking, but Liam didn’t hear much of what he was saying as the two of them walked past the bunks and into the entertainment room. Liam stole a quick glance at Niall’s bunk and sighed inwardly. Things had seemed a little better while they were on stage, but Liam was just going to have to accept the fact that things weren’t going to be fixed overnight.


	19. Permanent Stain

_“He’s my best friend,” Niall insisted, lacing his fingers with Alicia’s and pulling her towards him slightly._

_Still, she hung back. “I know,” she nodded, her soft London accent shining through her words as it always did. “But… you and I don’t get to spend very much time together. Wouldn’t you rather just…” she trailed off, still holding Niall’s hand, but not meeting his eyes._

_But Niall knew better than that. “You don’t have to be shy,” he said, smiling at her and raising his eyebrow. “Like I said, he’s my best friend. It’s going to be fine. Besides, you’ve met him before.”_

_“Yeah, I know,” Alicia said, shifting uncomfortably. “But that was always just in a big group of people. Not a double date where it’s just the four of us.”_

_Niall continued to grin at her, not wanting to give up. “Relax, Lish,” he said, dropping his hand from hers and rubbing the ides of her arms. “Liam’s the most welcoming person in the world, and Danielle is just the same. You’re going to love them.”_

_Alicia sighed a little and nodded. “All right.”_

Niall stared out the hotel room window. The pitter-patter of rain outside did little to distract him. He wondered slightly why there was this sudden downpour in the middle of their summer tour, and thought about how strange that was.

Then again, nothing about this tour had been normal.

“Niall?” Jessica said gently, leaning in a little from where she was sitting across from him in one of the desk chairs.

Niall looked at her and gulped a bit. He’d nearly forgotten that he was sitting with her in the middle of a session. That in itself was slightly weird, given that the reason he’d gotten lost in a memory was because of a question she’d asked him.

“If you don’t feel ready to talk about her, it’s okay. We don’t have to,” she said, her soft tone sitting easily within the walls of the room. Even during the discussion of such a touchy subject (and one that had been the catalyst for his entire downfall) she still managed to make him feel at ease.

Not many people had that superpower. In fact, the only other person who did was Liam.

And Niall definitely wasn’t ready to go down  _that_  route with Jessica. In fact, he was going to do his very best to leave that part of the story out. Because really, it wasn’t important and didn’t have anything to do with anything.

He was certain if he kept telling himself that, he definitely wouldn’t have to tell anyone else.

“No, it’s fine,” he said, nodding to assure her that he was okay. He took a deep breath. He wasn’t quite sure where to begin, so he started with the only logical place.

“I met her on my nineteenth birthday,” he said, recalling it like it was yesterday. It was strange for him, given that nineteen years old seems like decades past now, with all that had happened. In reality of course, it had only been a couple of years.

Jessica nodded, and waited for him to continue.

Niall sighed, trying to think about what he could say that wouldn’t dredge up awful memories. Alicia’s memory for him had largely been tied to all of the things that had led to their downfall and his fallout. Still, he knew that there had been good times. They were just hard for him to remember being buried under so much guilt.

“She was beautiful,” he said, recalling the first time he’d ever laid eyes on her. “And as soon as we started talking I knew… she was someone who I could just talk to for hours. We were so in sync like that because we were so different. She was always analyzing her actions, and I’m always rushing into things. Everything has to be an adventure all the time.”

Jessica just nodded as Niall smiled slightly and continued. “I mean, I don’t know how else to put it really. I’d say she was like my best friend, but I suppose that doesn’t make much sense since she was my girlfriend.”

Jessica shook her head when Niall paused, looking at her for affirmation. “I don’t think that’s true. I think a lot of people would call the person they’re with their best friend, and that’s okay.”

Niall shrugged, not really caring to link the idea of  _the person he was with_  with his  _best friend_.

Because he knew how that story ended.

Well, actually he didn’t. But he wasn’t at all interested in finding out. At least that’s what he told himself as he shrugged off the thought. He was supposed to be focusing on Alicia, but instead his mind kept drifting back to Liam. That was decidedly worse, and it made Niall almost cringe at the thought. How had his life gotten so confusing that the thought of Liam was more awful than the thought of Alicia?

“I guess,” he muttered.

Jessica looked at him skeptically, but she let it go. Instead, she prodded Niall to continue. “Tell me more about Alicia,” she said.

“I don’t know,” Niall replied, unsure of where to continue now that his train of thought was sufficiently derailed. “ I loved her,” he said simply. At least he was sure of that much. Even if it didn’t mean anything now.

Jessica nodded. “I can tell that you did.”

Niall raised his eyebrow, thinking that was a crock of psychologist shit. “How?” he laughed slightly. “You didn’t even know her.”

“No,” Jessica replied, never faltering from her position. “But you still speak highly of her, even after all that happened between the two of you. And you still smile when you say her name.”

Niall nodded. That sort of made sense, he supposed.

Jessica continued. “I mean, it’s the same look you have when you talk about your career or the other boys in the group.”

Niall furrowed his eyebrows.  _That_  was something he could have done without hearing. “I’m not in love with any of the boys in the group,” he said a little too sharply.

Jessica was taken slightly aback by his sudden change in tone. “I didn’t say that you were,” she said calmly. “There are all different kinds of love-”

“Right,” Niall said, jumping up from his seat. “But there is no love for anyone in the group. No kind of love at all – Not romantic or platonic or whatever.” He ran a hand through his hair and paced around a little, trying to gather his thoughts.

Of course he knew why Jessica’s innocent comment had set him off so easily. Because it was the very thing he’d been struggling with in his mind just moments before. The thing that he’d been trying to tell himself wasn’t there at all.

When apparently, it was written all over his face.

“Okay,” Jessica nodded slowly, conceding to what Niall was saying. “I’m sorry to have assumed.”

Niall just nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. He was grateful that Jessica didn’t pry any further into why he had reacted that way, because he didn’t know what he would have said to her. Especially to make it believable because she was evidently so good at reading him.

He sat back down in the chair across from her and took a deep breath. “Sorry,” he muttered, glancing up at her apologetically. After all, it hadn’t been her fault.

“It’s okay. This is going to bring out a lot of emotion for you, and I understand that.” She sighed a little, looking at him. “But you know, this has brought out a lot of emotion for other people as well,” she said cautiously. “Is it okay for us to talk about the others?” she asked.

Niall just raised his eyebrow, curious and slightly nervous as to what she was going to say. He nodded his head slightly though.

“I did want to have a session with the five of you as well, so they can have an open forum to talk without about what they experienced when you were going through your troubles.”

Niall inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. That wasn’t so bad. He could deal with a little bit of after the fact intervening. After all, he was already well aware of how the others felt. A little too aware, but it wasn’t like any of that would come up. “Yeah, okay.”

Jessica nodded, seemingly accepting his answer. “But before we do that, I’d like to get back to what happened with Alicia.”

Niall shrugged. That part was easy. “Well… she got pregnant…”

 

***

“What do you think they talk about in there?” Harry asked, glancing around at the others.

They were all sitting backstage at the venue. Louis was immersed in the soccer game that was playing on the big screen TV, Zayn was quietly texting Perrie and Liam was pushing around food on his plate.

Louis looked back at Harry, who was fiddling with a book in his hands. “What?”

“You know,” Harry said, nodding as if the others knew exactly what he was talking about. “Niall, back at the hotel with the therapist. What do you think they talk about?”

Louis raised his eyebrow. “Well if I had to guess I’d say they talked about how wonderful his life has been up to this point,” he said sarcastically.

Harry just nodded, accepting the answer because his mind had already wandered onto something else. “Do you think he’s going to shag her?”

Louis gave him a look, Zayn glanced up from his phone and raised his eyebrow, and suddenly Liam was even more uninterested in his food.

“What?” Louis asked incredulously.

Harry shrugged as though what he’d said was totally normal and not at all ridiculous. “Do you think Niall’s going to shag… what’s her name again? Jennifer?”

“Jessica,” Liam said, his teeth were nearly gritted together at the audacity of what Harry was saying. Of course he wasn’t really angry with Harry – that kind of lewd comment wasn’t out of the ordinary for him. It was the very thought of what he was suggesting that annoyed Liam – because he wasn’t so sure it was out of the realm of possibility.

“Right, Jessica,” Harry grinned. “Do you think he’s going to? Because if I was stuck in that hotel room with her every day I’d definitely make a move. She’s hot!”

The others rolled their eyes when it became clear that Harry wasn’t at all interested in having a remotely serious conversation.

“No, Harry,” Louis said with a sigh. “I doubt he’s going to shag her.”

Harry shrugged. “Why not? That’s what Niall does lately – he’s more of a pimp than me!”

Louis shook his head and rolled his eyes slightly.

“Shut up, Harry,” Liam muttered, feeling more annoyed than he should have. He knew deep down that Harry was just trying to have a laugh because that was how he dealt with things like that. Still, the thought of Niall going back to his manwhore ways irritated Liam.

Harry shrugged and dropped the subject, but not without giving Liam a little bit of a strange look.

There was silence once again after that apart from the noise made by the stage crew, that is. Louis went back to concentrating on the soccer game, Zayn continued to text Perrie, Harry went back to reading his book (or fantasizing about Niall’s therapist) and Liam…

Well, Liam continued to push food around on his plate while he wondered about the question Harry had initially asked.

What did Niall and Jessica talk about in their sessions?

Liam was sure that he knew the answer to that. They probably talked about Alicia, his life, and what pushed him into such despair. It broke Liam’s heart to think about because he wanted to be the one that Niall felt safe with. He wanted to be the one to take his pain away and talk him through healing.

His friend was getting help, and he was grateful for that… but he wished that there was something more that he could do. He wished that he could show Niall he could be there for him too.

Liam continued to half-heartedly eat his dinner, until Niall came wandering backstage.

“Hi lads,” he said, eyeing all of him.

Liam looked up at him and gulped a little. Every time Niall greeted them awkwardly, he felt slightly sick. This wasn’t the same Niall who entered a room and made his presence known.

This wasn’t the same Niall he’d fallen in love with.

“Uh,” Niall said, shifting a little and glancing over at the catering. “So I was just chatting with Jessica and she said that maybe it’d be good if all of us talked. I guess…”

The four boys glanced at each other. “You mean, like join you on one of your sessions with her?” Zayn asked.

Niall nodded, and Liam nearly felt his heart leap out of his chest.

“Yeah, I guess tomorrow, if that’s alright,” Niall said, shrugging and trying to avert his gaze from Liam.

Liam, who felt over the moon at this information. Because finally, they were going to have the chance to sit with Niall and be a part of his recovery.

It was as if at least part of his wish was coming true.


	20. They Don't Understand

“It was weird, like we were this really close family,” Louis said, leaning forward in his chair a little. “And then suddenly Niall was shutting us out, like he didn’t want our support even though it was clear he needed it, and… I’m sorry, isn’t this sort of intervention something that should have come before his overdose?”

The boys were all sitting in Niall’s hotel room the next day. Following Jessica’s advice, they were having a session where they were able to talk openly about what they’d experienced while Niall was going through his addiction.

In true form, as soon as Louis had gotten the chance to speak he’d been unable to keep his blunt opinions on the situation to himself.

Niall sighed and slouched down in his chair, seemingly with guilt.

“Well it’s not like Niall would have let us do this before… isn’t that kind of the whole point? That he shut us out?” Harry asked, glancing at Louis and then over at Niall almost apologetically.

Niall just sort of shrugged, knowing that Harry was right on the mark.

Jessica kept her head and nodded at Louis. “Harry’s got it right. This is a way for you to let Niall know how you’re feeling, but it’s also an opportunity for you to get anything that you’ve been holding in off your chest. Because I’m sure this has affected all of you as well and it’s important to talk about it.”

Louis kept his arms folded over his chest for a moment as he eyed Jessica. It was clear he still wasn’t sure if he could trust her or not, but eventually he conceded. “All right,” he said. “It was just hard that he used to lean on us so much for support. That’s what our friendship is built on, that we’re there for each other. And then he let it get to the point that Liam and I found him unconscious in his hotel room.”

Jessica nodded and looked at the others as they all nodded in agreement.

Liam nodded, but then quickly turned his head. He looked out the window – the image of Niall lying unconscious on the bathroom tile was something he’d like to erase from his memory.

“How did that make you feel?” Jessica asked Louis.

He sighed. “I remember sitting in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and thinking about how we could have let it get to this point. How did we fail him? Because we all used to be so close, but I felt like I didn’t even know this person and at the same time I was praying so hard to not let God take one of my best friends from me.”

“I’m sorry,” Niall muttered, looking at the ground as tears pooled in his eyes.

“You damn well better be,” Louis snapped at him, but cracked a smile a little so Niall would know his comment wasn’t meant with malice.

“Liam,” Jessica said, turning her head towards him. “You and Louis both found Niall. Do you have anything you want to add?”

Liam considered that for a moment and quickly glanced over at Niall. He couldn’t tell if he was imagining things, but it looked like Niall was breathing heavily, almost afraid of what Liam was going to say.

He didn’t know what else he could add that he hadn’t already said to Niall tearfully in the hospital. But at the same time, he felt like he hadn’t even scratched the surface of what he’d gone through over those months. “I…” he started, but faltered when he tried to find more words to continue. “Louis was right… I just felt like I had failed him…”

_“Looks like we’re going to be flatmates, then,” a blonde boy with crooked teeth said with a grin as Liam entered the small room. He’d never encountered anyone so seemingly carefree before. His hair was so bright and it was obvious that it wasn’t naturally that colour – but Liam didn’t care. It only added to the happiness that surrounded this boy._

_There was happiness all around, really. After all, Liam was surrounded by people who had made it through to Boot Camp on X Factor. But this boy… there was something about him. The way he was smiling and the way his eyes were lit up with hope._

“ _I’m Niall,” he said, sticking out his hand for Liam to shake._

“ _Liam,” Liam said, accepting the hand shake._

_Niall grinned and pulled away after a moment. “It’s great to meet ya, Liam! I hope you win it. Well, I hope you come in second, you know.”_

_Liam laughed. “Yeah, same to you.”_

Liam gulped a little as he continued to look at Niall. “He’s my best friend… or he was my best friend before all of this and I just…” he breathed shakily, looking away from Niall. He glanced around at the others. Harry was watching him intently, waiting for him to continue.

He couldn’t help but remember Harry screaming at him in the hospital after Niall had been admitted. How Harry had flipped out and told him that he was selfish and how his selfishness had nearly gotten Niall killed. How he should have said something but he couldn’t say anything. How could he? He had to keep everything inside and even though this was supposed to be a free space where they could get everything off their chests, Liam knew he couldn’t.

He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he couldn’t…

“I can’t,” Liam said, standing up quickly. “I’m sorry.” he walked briskly out of the room as the others watched in shock.

Niall’s eyes were wide with near panic. For a moment he’d been afraid that Liam was going to spill  _everything_. He didn’t even know why, because he was convinced that all of that had nothing to do with any of this.

No, that was just something stupid they’d done in the throws of his addiction.

It couldn’t be affecting Liam this much… could it?

No. Niall was sure of it.  _No._

“Um,” Louis said, coughing slightly and breaking the silence. “I think I’m going to go make sure he’s okay.”

Jessica nodded and looked around at the others as Louis left. “Should we continue, or is that enough for now?”

“No,” Harry said, glancing over at Zayn and then back to Niall. “Louis will make sure he’s okay. I think we should continue.”

Jessica nodded. “Okay. Zayn, why don’t you tell us about your experience?”

Zayn started talking, but Niall was no longer listening. Instead, his mind was on constant replay of Liam running out of the room. He was focused completely on that one moment and how much his heart had broken upon seeing it.

Above anything that that had happened between the two of them, they were friends. Best friends even, and Niall hadn’t been fair to him though any of this. He sighed a little, hearing Zayn continue to talk in the background. If he was going to begin to heal, he was going to have to face Liam and come to terms with what they’d done and what (if anything) that meant for their relationship.

***

Liam walked briskly down the hall until he got to his hotel room, Louis was hot on his heels, but he didn’t care. He opened the door to his room and slammed it shut before Louis had a chance to catch up to him.

Of course, Louis was never one to give up so easily. No sooner had Liam closed the door was Louis banging on it.

“Come on, Liam,” he heard Louis say. “Open the door.”

“Go away Louis,” Liam said wiping the tears away from his face. He knew he was acting childish, but he didn’t really care. He was certain going to that session had been a huge mistake, and the last thing he wanted to do was talk any more.

He heard Louis sigh. “Come on Liam.”

“I told you to go away!”

There was silence after that, but not for very long. “For God’s sake Liam!” he heard Louis shout. “You’ve seen what happens when we shut each other out, you saw what happened to Niall because he wouldn’t let us be there for him. So bloody well open the door before it’s you we’re finding in a pile on the floor, because I don’t fancy doing that ever again -”

The comparison to how Niall had acted to how he was acting now was all it took for Liam to open the door.

“Christ,” Louis finished, albeit more silently than the rest of his speech had been. He glanced up at Liam as he walked into the room and gently closed the door. “What is the matter?” he asked with slight exasperation.

Liam sighed, blinking back more tears in his eyes as he glanced around the room. There was nothing to really focus on, but he didn’t dare look at Louis. “I don’t know.”

Louis wasn’t buying it. “You don’t know? You must know, because you were were in a hurry to get out of there. I know what happened was awful, Liam. But Niall’s getting help, you have to have noticed the change in him.”

Liam scoffed. “Oh believe me, I have.”

Louis furrowed his eyebrows, not quite understanding what Liam was getting at. “You and Niall even had a heart-to-heart when he was in the hospital, I thought that we’d moved past that…”

Liam gulped. There was no way Louis could understand what he was going through. The image of Niall lying there seemingly dead was something he would never forget. And even though Louis seemed to have made his peace with it, it still made Liam’s stomach churn.

Because the thought of losing Niall forever was far too much for him to ever bear.

“You don’t get it. I can’t even think about that day without… he’s not…” Liam struggled to find the words to explain to Louis how he felt without actually telling him the truth. Tears fell out of his eyes again and splashed onto the dark hotel carpet. He looked down at Louis. “If the situation was changed, if it was Eleanor who we’d found, would you be able to even think about it, let alone talk about it?”

Louis’ eyes widened in realization. Even though Liam clearly hadn’t meant to, he’d just admitted the very reason for his outburst and his behaviour as of late.

“You’re in love with Niall, aren’t you?” Louis asked slowly, and at that, Liam put his head into his hands and sat down on the bed, crying as he went.

Louis sighed, feeling a new kind of sorry for his friend. He truly couldn’t understand what Liam was going through, so he just sat down beside him. “How long?” he asked gently.

Liam shook his head. He wiped his hands on his jeans and looked at Louis. “I don’t know,” he said honestly.

“Does Niall know?” Louis asked, putting his arm around Liam and rubbing his shoulder softly.

Liam nodded. He hadn’t actually said those words to him – but he knew that Niall knew. How Niall felt about it? Well, that was a whole other road that Liam wasn’t ready to go down.

“Oh God,” Louis said.

“I’m sorry,” Liam said quickly.

“Sorry?” Louis asked him in disbelief. “Liam, why on earth are you sorry about that?”

“Because,” Liam sighed, trying to stop himself from bursting into tears again. “That is what caused this whole mess, isn’t it? Because I wanted to try and help him myself and because I was letting my feelings for him control the situation.”

Louis shook his head. “No, that isn’t what caused this mess. You heard it yourself – it was Niall shutting us out. But he’s getting help and you can’t keep blaming yourself.”

“I can,” Liam said darkly, terrified of what he was about to admit to Louis. “If it’s that Niall shut us out it’s because I pushed him to…” he sighed, looking at Louis. Louis didn’t say anything, instead he waited for Liam to continue. “The night that I found out Niall was doing cocaine, something happened between us… I think it scared him and I think that’s what caused him to overdose.”

“Liam -” Louis started, but was cut off by Liam.

“The fact that I love him only hurt him.”

Louis took a deep breath and gave Liam a long look. “You’re being a right drama queen,” he finally said with a slight laugh.

“It’s not funny, Louis,” Liam said irritably. How could Louis crack jokes at a time like this? And he was one to talk about dramatics – he was the group’s resident drama queen!

“No, it’s not, but Liam you’ve got to see how you’re acting,” Louis sighed, giving Liam a look of concern and near wisdom. It was a look that Louis only wore when he was completely serious, so Liam shut up and let him talk. “Something happened between you two, you kissed or something and you think that automatically means it’s your fault he went off the deep end? Niall needed help, Liam. Normal people don’t go overdose themselves just because they had a romp in the sack or whatever with one of their friends and they’re upset or confused about it. He already had problems he didn’t know how to deal with, and that’s the real problem – Niall needs to learn how to deal with things and not just ignore them.”

Liam nodded as he took in everything Louis was saying. He knew his friend was right – he was blaming himself far too much for a situation that really wasn’t his fault at all. “I just love him so much, Lou,” he said quietly, because really it was the only thing he understood at the moment.

“I know,” Louis nodded sympathetically. “But he’s going through a lot right now, and I don’t know if he reciprocates, but you’ve got to give him time.”

“I know,” Liam replied, even though it was difficult for him to admit. “It’s just hard because I want to be there for him, I want him to let me love him.”

Louis just nodded, not knowing what else to say.

“Thank you,” Liam said, leaning over and wrapping his friend in a hug.

Louis smiled as he hugged Liam back. “You’re welcome. It’ll get better, I promise. I mean, it can’t get any worse.”

At that, Liam had to laugh a little. He supposed that was fair. “You’re right about that.”

Louis grinned cheekily before getting up to leave. “I’m always right.” He opened the hotel room door and his smile softened a little. “Well,” he said. “Speak of the devil, I suppose.”

Liam glanced up and his eyes widened. Standing out in the hall was the very boy he’d run from earlier.

Niall.

“Uh, hi,” Niall said awkwardly. “Can I come in?”

Louis looked back at Liam, who nodded eagerly. Why was Niall here, and what did he want?

Niall smiled slightly as he snaked past Louis and into the room.

“Well, I’ll leave you two alone then,” Louis said with a nod, before leaving and closing the door behind him.

There was a thickly awkward silence in the room after that. Liam didn’t know what to say, and considering Niall was the one who had come to seek him out, he decided it was best to let him do all the talking.

“Sorry,” Niall said. He was still standing and unsure if he should sit down. “I didn’t mean to upset you by having that group session, and I just wanted to come see if you’re alright.”

Liam just nodded. Truthfully, he wasn’t alright, but he didn’t know how to say that Niall without seeming completely self-involved. “I was just uncomfortable having all that stuff dredged up.”

“Yeah, that sucks doesn’t it?” Niall said with a slight cynical laugh.

Liam looked at him in almost horror. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine, Li,” Niall said, waving it off. “I was only having a laugh.”

Liam sighed with a bit of relief. How had he and Niall gotten to this point? They used to be so close, and now they were dancing in circles around each other, afraid of offending one another and unable to casually joke like they used to be able to.

Niall studied Liam and sat down next to him. He hated what he’d done to his friend and how guilty he’d felt when Liam had run out of the session. The distressed pout on Liam’s face made it all the more worse and Niall’s confusion was doubled by the fact that he sort of wanted to kiss Liam and make it all better.

What scared him even more was that the thought had popped into his brain out of nowhere. All he’d done was come by to see if his friend was alright, because he really did want to repair things between them, and now he was having these thoughts again.

Niall sighed a little, wondering why things just couldn’t be so simple.

“What did you talk to Louis about?” he asked cautiously.

Liam shrugged, because he didn’t really want to come clean to Niall about the fact that he’d come clean to Louis about well, Niall.

“He said ‘speak of the devil’ so I assume you were talking about me…” Niall gulped a little, not really wanted to ask the question, but finding himself needing to know. “Did you tell him…”

Liam nodded, because there was no way he could deny it, and he didn’t really want to. Not when Niall was on the brink of actually having a real conversation with him about all this.

“What did you tell him?” Niall asked shakily.

“I just told him that I had feelings for you that were more than friendship,” Liam said honestly. “And that some things happened between us that might have scared you and I didn’t know what was happening with us.”

Niall nodded, and Liam half expected him to flip out. He didn’t. Instead he just nodded and absorbed the information. Inside, he was nervous as all hell, trying to figure out what Louis thought of him, and what he thought of himself now that he really couldn’t deny that it had happened anymore.

“I’m sorry, Li,” Niall said honestly.

“For what?” Liam asked, as though the very notion of Niall apologizing for anything at this point was absurd. “You haven’t done anything.”

Niall knew that Liam was wrong, and whether Liam truly believed that or was just lying for his sake didn’t matter. “That’s just it. I haven’t been fair to you, because all this mess was happening, and I took advantage of your feelings for me and I acted like what happened with us didn’t matter and that I could just ignore it.”

Liam felt his heart jump into his throat, because he couldn’t quite believe Niall was saying these words. Honestly, Niall couldn’t quite believe it either.

“I’m really sorry about all that Li, but I just can’t right now. It’s too much for me to deal with and I just need time. I can’t figure out what my feelings for you are before I figure out what my feelings about myself are.”

Liam nodded. It wasn’t exactly what he’d been hoping for, but he understood it. When he looked at Niall, the Irish boy’s blue eyes looked clearer than they had in a long, long time.

“Don’t worry about it, Ni,” Liam said, pulling his friend in for a hug. “Take all the time you need, I’ll be here.”

Niall blinked back a couple of tears, feeling better than he had about Liam since before all of this had started. “Thanks, Li. I’m trying my best.” He pulled back and wiped the few stray tears from his eyes. “So,” he said, trying his best to crack a smile. “You up for a round of Fifa?”

Liam grinned. If nothing else, he was happy to have their friendship on the mend. “You bet.”


	21. The Sun Will Come Out Again

Niall awoke the next morning to the soft noises of the others enjoying what sounded like breakfast.

The tour bus was still rumbling underneath him meaning they were still on the road to their next show. That was one thing he noticed about America. Their trips from one show to the next were either restlessly short, or painfully long.

“Oy, Harry,” he heard Louis complain. “Save some milk for the rest of us, you prat. It’ll be miles before we reach another rest stop.”

Harry’s laugh was infectious and rang through the whole bus. “Listen to you, a proper American already and we’ve only been in the country a couple of weeks.” He continued to laugh, and then switched into a very fake American accent. “It’ll be miles before we reach the next rest stop, and I’m really going to need to pick up a litre of cola.”

“You know that not every bit of American banter is like a scene out of Super Troopers, right? You do understand that, don’t you?” Louis deadpanned and following that was silence.

Niall waited eagerly as he listened for what was about to happen.

Of course, all the boys erupted into laughter.

Niall smiled to himself. For the first time in a long time he felt like things were normal. He supposed that was really his own stupid fault. He hadn’t felt comfortable about the others for fear that they were constantly judging him.

But if the session the day before had been any indication, they all just loved him and wanted him to get better. Clearly Jessica had been right about them needing an open forum to talk about their issues.

Niall took a deep breath and hopped out of his bunk, wandering over to the kitchen.

“Morning, lads,” he said, putting on his best Niall-ish smile.

The others looked up at him and if any of them thought that it was strange Niall was standing in the kitchen without looking at them awkwardly, they didn’t show it. “Morning, Niall,” Louis said with a smile, and patted the seat beside him. “There’s breakfast. Well, what you can find of it anyway if Harry hasn’t eaten it all.”

Harry rolled his eyes. “There’s plenty left. Besides, I didn’t touch any of the doughnuts,” he said, opening the cardboard box that was sitting on the table. “Krispy Kreme… your favourite, I guess.”

Niall grinned and sat himself down between Harry and Louis. He did glance a little at Louis while he grabbed a doughnut. For a second he wondered if Louis thought of him differently now that he knew about Liam and he the two of them had done  _stuff_.

It didn’t seem like it, Louis was acting normally. Well, as normally as Louis usually did anyway. He was just laughing and messing around with Harry.

“Where’re we on the road to then?” Niall asked, looking out the window. This was far from their first American tour, but he was still amazed at how much space there was between stops. It seemed like they spent most of their time on the tour bus when they were in America.

“North Carolina, I think,” Harry said, looking at the others for confirmation.

They all nodded and turned to Liam, who rolled his eyes.

“Yes, North Carolina. Charlotte, to be exact. Am I literally the only one who reads the tour itinerary?”

“Yes,” the four of them answered in unison, and at that they all burst out laughing.

Liam rolled his eyes once again, but still smiled a little. “You know, if you lot read it you wouldn’t have to ask me all the time.”

“Yeah,” Harry said, slinging his arm around Liam. “But then you wouldn’t have the pleasure of making sure you were the one to let us know what was going on. And I know you just love to keep us all in line.”

Niall couldn’t help but grin as he watched Harry wiggle his eyebrows at Liam. Harry wasn’t wrong, Liam did love to keep all of them in line.

“Yeah,” Liam said slightly sheepishly, glancing around at all of them and finally letting his eyes rest on Niall. “I suppose I do.”

Niall swallowed a little, but didn’t let himself feel awkward. Instead, he kept the smile on his face because really, he was grateful for the fact that Liam liked to watch out for all of them.

***

They arrived at the venue late that afternoon, and since they were just going to be on the road again that night there had been no point in heading to a hotel.

Paul had ushered the four other boys into the venue, but Niall and Jessica remained occupied in the tour bus for the next hour. Because even though there was no hotel room for them to talk in, Paul made it very clear that he was still going to have his session with her.

Niall didn’t mind really. He was fairly certain it couldn’t have been more eventful than yesterday’s session.

Which was (of course) Jessica’s main topic for discussion.

“We certainly cleared the air on a lot of things yesterday, didn’t we?” she asked him.

Niall shrugged. He supposed so – even if the bulk of it she had no idea about.

“Last time we brought up the subject of the other boys you seemed really uncomfortable talking about them. Do you still feel that way? I think it was pretty clear yesterday that they love you and just have your best interests at heart.”

Niall nodded, but he was stuck on that stupid word again.

_Love._

He’d said it to Alicia about a million times. In some ways he still felt that way about her. He was pretty sure he would always love her despite the fact that his life had spiralled out of control because of their relationship. He knew he loved the other boys too, they’d all said it to each other a lot, even though it wasn’t in the same way he’d said it to Alicia.

“And what about Liam?” Jessica said, vocalizing Niall’s next thought.

“Um,” Niall stammered. He wasn’t sure how Jessica could have known about that. His brain started going a million miles a minute, wondering if Liam had said something to her, or worse, she’d figured it out on her own.

But it didn’t seem that way at all, judging by the way she continued. “He seemed especially bothered by the session. You even went to go look for him afterwards… did the two of you talk and get it worked out?”

Niall shifted in his seat a little. Yes, he and Liam had definitely talked. And he did somewhat feel like they’d gotten it all sorted out. He eyed Jessica, wondering if he could actually tell her the truth about what was going on.

She kept looking at him with the same soft and concerned eyes that she always did. She didn’t speak – she just waited for him to answer her question.

“Yeah, I s’pose,” Niall shrugged, deciding that he couldn’t tell her. It was one thing for him to talk openly with Liam about it – Liam was the one who had initiated and had participated in all their activities. But to tell an outsider?

Though, Niall reasoned with himself, Liam had told Louis about it and Louis was still acting normal. So maybe it wasn’t so bad.

“It’s obvious he cares about you a great deal,” Jessica said with a smile.

“Yeah, he does,” Niall blurted out quickly, before his mind had a chance to stop him. “A  _great_  deal,” he stressed, giving her narrow eyes and hoping she would take the hint.

If she did, she didn’t make it clear. “What do you mean?” she asked him.

Niall sighed. Of course she was going to make him explain himself. That was her job after all, to make him talk through his issues. And Niall figured this was the biggest issue of all. He’d made his peace with the Alicia situation – and in fact the bulk of his addiction towards the end hadn’t even been about that. It had morphed into him being unsure of who he was and what he wanted and scared of Liam’s feelings for him… and more importantly, his feelings for Liam.

Feelings he hadn’t even been sure existed he’d been so coked out.

“He cares about me… more than a friend should,” Niall said carefully.

Jessica nodded and Niall inwardly sighed with relief. At least she wasn’t looking at him with disgust. But he supposed that along with listening to him talk about his issues, her job was also not to judge him for them.

“And he’s told you this?” she asked.

Niall slowly nodded his head. Yes, Liam had told him this. And if he was truly honest with himself, he’d known it for quite some time. He was just in far too much denial to let himself accept it. “Yeah.”

Jessica nodded her head, and Niall watched her as she took what felt like hours to form her next question. “How do you feel about him?”

If it took her hours to form that question, then it must have taken Niall decades to answer it. How did he feel about Liam? That was a loaded question. He really didn’t know.

He thought about it a little more. He wasn’t sure if it was truly that he didn’t know or that he didn’t know how to admit it to himself. He’d been jealous of Danielle when she’d been there, and as soon as she was gone he’d completely leaned on Liam for emotional support.

Emotional and physical support, Niall reminded himself. He recalled feeling so ashamed of himself that he’d resorted to doing cocaine in his hotel room and even after that, he’d still been calmed down when he saw Liam. So much to even be the one to initiate a kiss.

“It’s okay, Niall,” Jessica said, cutting into his memories as he tried to sort out what they meant. “If you don’t feel comfortable answering -”

“No,” Niall said, because he knew if he didn’t explain it to her now, he probably never would. He didn’t particularly want to go through the experience of telling her, but she’d helped him through everything else, and he really did want to get all of this figured out.

“You don’t have feelings for him?” she asked him.

Niall shook his head quickly. No, that wasn’t what he meant. “No, I didn’t mean that. I just… some stuff happened with us,” he muttered, looking at the ground.

“What kind of stuff?” Jessica asked him softly.

“It was when he found out I was doing cocaine,” Niall said, taking a deep breath. He felt sort of sick as he thought about it. “He flipped out and we went back to the hotel. And I was telling him about how I felt like shit, and he kept telling me that I wasn’t shit… and we kissed and stuff,” he explained, mumbling almost inaudibly as he got to the last part.

“Is that all?”

Niall shrugged. No, that wasn’t all. “And I kissed him again the next day,” he said, rubbing his face. “It just confused me so much, and he was so angry with me because of all the drugs and shit.”

He took another deep breath, and Jessica took this as a sign to wait for him to gather his thoughts.

“Then I overdosed,” he said darkly, and it was hard for him to believe that was something that had happened. He supposed that meant he’d made progress, but it still just scared him. Maybe more than whatever feelings he did or didn’t have for Liam. “And we talked in the hospital and it’s been awkward ever since.”

Jessica was silent for a moment as she took in what Niall was telling her. “But the two of you talked yesterday?”

Niall nodded. “Yeah.”

“And now how do you feel? Do you feel better?”

No, Niall was certain he didn’t feel better, but he wasn’t really sure why. “No. I mean, sort of, but not really.”

“Well, do you feel like there’s something unfinished between the two of you?”

Niall considered that for a moment. Jessica definitely had a way of vocalizing his internal confusion. “Yeah, kind of.”

“What did you say to him yesterday?”

Niall raised his eyebrow. “I told him we were friends and I didn’t know how I felt about him when I didn’t know how I felt about myself, you know.”

“That’s fair.”

“I don’t think we’re just friends,” Niall continued as he thought more about it. He was sure he wouldn’t have even said to Liam that he didn’t know how he felt about him if they were. Because otherwise he would have said they were just friends. “I think… I feel like we’re more than friends.”

Jessica nodded.

“But,” Niall continued, and he hardly even realized that he was doing most of the talking now. Jessica was just acting as a sounding board for his thoughts and musings. “He’s a boy.”

“So?” Jessica asked him, jumping into the conversation Niall was having with himself.

“So?” Niall repeated as though she was being ridiculous.

“It’s not a big deal, Niall. It’s not a big deal at all.”

Niall raised his eyebrow again because he was sure that it was a big deal. A huge deal, even. “Aren’t you supposed to wait before jumping into another relationship? Isn’t that something you’re not supposed to do while you’re in therapy?” he asked, changing the subject slightly.

Jessica shrugged. “You have to do what’s right for you. And if what you feel for Liam is right, then maybe that’s what you need to do.”

“I don’t think it’s right,” Niall said quickly, shaking his head. His stomach felt sick and he felt lightheaded at the very thought of actually being with Liam. He wasn’t even sure if it was the good kind of pre-relationship sick or not.

“Niall,” Jessica said seriously, grabbing his attention away from his paranoia. “Don’t make excuses for yourself. Because the fact that Liam’s a boy and the fact that you feel like it’s not right for someone going through something like this to begin a relationship shouldn’t stop you. I’m sorry if I’m stepping over a boundary here,” she said slowly, smiling at him softly to make him feel more at ease. “But it seems like you’ve already sort of begun the relationship. Even if you didn’t mean to.”

“I don’t know what other people will think,” Niall muttered, even though he knew that was just another excuse. He hadn’t really cared what other people thought before any of this happened, he wasn’t sure why it would matter now. It was one of the many reasons he felt he was such a good fit for this industry – he was able to let stupid gossip comments roll right off his back.

He used to be able to, anyway.

“Do you care?” Jessica asked him. “You shouldn’t. People will judge you no matter what you do, Niall. It’s a fact of life.”

He knew that all too well.

“I’m not telling you to go talk to Liam right away. You should take some time to think about this and if it’s what you really want. But if it is, you shouldn’t deny yourself happiness just because it scares you.”

Niall let her words hang inside the room while he sat there and contemplated them. She wasn’t wrong – he’d almost killed himself in trying to deny himself the happiness that Jessica was describing.

And for what? Because of what a few people on the internet might think? Maybe because of what his mum might think – but she’d told him before that she would always love him. Besides, if she said anything he could kindly remind her that at least he was still alive.

Maybe if he just allowed himself to be happy, he actually would be again.

“I’ll think about it,” Niall said slowly. “Thank you,” he said sincerely.

Jessica smiled at him. “It’s what I’m here for.”


	22. Love Is

“This is The Bert Show and we’re backstage with none other than Niall Horan and Zayn Malik from One Direction.”

Niall looked over at Zayn with a grin. This was the first interview he was doing as part of the American tour. The others had picked up his slack during his sessions with Jessica. But now that he was finding himself feeling better and more comfortable around the group again, he wanted to get back in the swing of things.

And that meant loads and loads of interviews.

“Tell us what the American tour is like,” Bert said, looking at the boys. “Do you guys sit on the tour bus singing road trip songs the whole way, or is it kind of old hat now? Like yeah, we’re toured America before. We’ve made it. Onto the next thing.”

Niall shook his head. He supposed that if you had a mundane job as most people did, then normalcy would set in and everything would become familiar, but his job wasn’t like that. “No,” he said honestly. “It’s always different. I don’t think we sing road trip songs,” he laughed a bit and looked over at Zayn, who just shook his head. “But we do try to get out and see the sights when we can. It’s always really fun, never a dull moment.”

“What’s been your favourite part of the tour so far?”

He and Zayn exchanged a glance. Niall truthfully didn’t know – it had started out so bleak for him, and it seemed like every day was a new favourite since every day felt more and more normal.

It was weird to him that his normal was everyone else’s excitement.

As he was lost in his thoughts, Zayn started to answer the question.

“Uh yeah,” he said. “It’s all been really good, but I guess our show at Disney was pretty cool. It was filmed and I think they’re going to show it on the telly or put it on a DVD or something.”

“And of course right now, The Bert Show,” Niall cut in, wearing a cheeky grin and winking at Kristin, the other radio host. If nothing else, he knew how to conduct himself in front of the press.

“This guy’s always flirting with you,” Bert laughed, looking over at Kristin. “Every time he comes on the show. I bet when they decide who’s going to do interviews as soon as he finds out there’s one with us he makes sure he’s doing that one.”

“Nah,” Niall laughed. “I make sure Kristin’s going to be doing the interview with you, and then I make sure I’m part of that one.”

Kristin laughed and shook her head as Niall suggestively raised his eyebrow at her.

It wasn’t until Niall realized what he was doing that he began to feel slightly awkward again. If he did end up in a relationship with Liam, would he still be able to make jokes like that, or would he suddenly have to start flirting with the male radio hosts?

He didn’t even think he liked guys in general since flirting with girls came so naturally to him. But with Liam, things were different. They were so easy and so complicated at the same time. If only it could just be so simple, if he could just love Liam without worrying about his gender and what this meant for his sexuality.

“Niall,” Zayn said, nudging him back to reality.

“Huh?”

“They asked you what your favourite song is to perform,” he said with a slight laugh, because Niall had gone off into his own little world.

“He was too busy daydreaming about Kristin,” Bert laughed, winking at him.

“Right, yeah,” Niall said, forcing a grin on his face. “Um, I mean the entire concert is a rush but I love performing our new mix of What Makes You Beautiful.”

“You’re not sick of performing that old song?” Kristin asked him.

Niall shook his head. “No, I’m not. I mean I probably would be if we didn’t change it up, but this tour is really cool with the acoustic mix we do between that and Little Things. Obviously I like playing the guitar on those, and I love it when the two songs blend together. The moment the crowd realizes that we’re about to play What Makes You Beautiful and they go nuts is just the best part of every show,” he gushed, and Zayn nodded along with him. “The energy in the arena is literally amazing, every time.”

Bert and Kristin nodded, looking like they accepted the answer.

Niall smiled to himself. Even though he had a lot of internal struggles to work through, performing and talking about his career was something that he was sure he’d always find easy.

The interview went on for a bit after that, talking about the shows and their upcoming album. After a few more minutes, Paul gave them the signal to cut the interview off. Zayn and Niall were quick to thank Bert and Kristin, as they made sure to always do.

“Man I’m starving,” Niall said as he and Zayn walked towards catering. He eyed the containers of food sitting out, and frowned at the lineup of people waiting to eat.

He supposed he could cut the line – they were always told that they could but none of them ever did. After all, their crew and everyone on their tour had to eat just as much as they did.

“We got plates for you guys,” Liam said, waving them over to a table. “The Bert Show always runs long,” he said knowingly.

Niall beamed, sitting down beside Liam. “And four pieces of chicken? Liam, you’re the best.”

“There’s hot sauce on it too,” Louis said, shoving a potato wedge into his mouth. “I don’t know how you can eat that stuff right before a show. I’d have heartburn the whole way through.”

“Louis, you can’t eat anything before a show,” Harry said, rolling his eyes. “You wiped the salt off those potatoes because you said they would bloat you,” he laughed. “You are literally so gay.”

Louis glared at Harry and Niall’s breath caught in his throat. He made eye contact with Louis for a short second. He knew Harry’s comment wasn’t meant to be harsh, but it still terrified Niall. If Louis’ odd eating habits made him gay, then what did make him on account of what he’d done with Liam?

Louis just raised his eyebrows and popped another wedge into his mouth. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good for the show,” he said easily.

Harry shrugged and went back to eating his food. Niall let out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. He took a bite of his chicken and glanced at Liam, wondering if he’d been as shaken by Harry’s comment.

If he had, he wasn’t showing it.

“How’s your chicken?” he asked.

Niall nodded, grateful that no one else seemed to be making a big deal out of it. Perhaps all of his worries were really for nothing. “Good,” he said as he swallowed. “Really good.”

Liam grinned at him. “Good.”

***

“Atlanta!” Harry shouted as the final notes of their encore rang throughout the arena. “Thank you so much.”

Niall gazed out at the crowd. He couldn’t see many faces on account of the hot stage lights above him, but he could see the flicker of cameras and the occasional glitter of a banner.

He looked over at the other boys as he always did at the end of a show, but he couldn’t help himself from letting his eyes linger on Liam a little longer.

All day long he’d been trying to figure out how he felt and what to do. But it wasn’t until he was on stage where he was completely comfortable and his element that he was able to think clearly.

He was tired and sweaty. The crowd was still screaming. Somewhere in the background, Louis was making his end of the show speech as he always did, but all of that melted away as he watched Liam.

His friend’s face was plastered with a grin that seemed to light up the entire area around him. He was breathing heavily after the high-energy encore and he looked happier and more perfect than Niall had ever thought possible.

Always one to get emotional on stage, Niall walked over to Liam and without giving it a second thought he wrapped his arms around his friend and hugged him tightly.

The crowd probably responded to that, but he didn’t notice. Instead he leaned upwards and whispered to Liam.

“Good show, mate,” he said.

Liam looked down at him and smiled. “You too.”

After that the show couldn’t have ended any quicker. As soon as they were taken back to their hotel, Niall tossed his things into his room and walked briskly down the hall to Liam’s.

His heart felt as though it was thumping in his throat as he knocked on Liam’s door. He’d spent so much time in agony over this, thinking and wondering and feeling confused and lost… but when he’d looked at Liam it had all been so clear and he wondered why it hadn’t been so easy before. In fact, being around Liam (which he wasn’t overanalysing things) had been the easiest part of it all. He’d been so wrapped up and worried as to what other people would think of him, but as Jessica had pointed out, that didn’t really matter. Just Liam’s presence made him feel safe and loved, and that was all that mattered, wasn’t it?

That was certainly how he’d felt when he’d looked at his friend.

People were going to talk no matter what, he’d learned quite a bit about that in the past year. Still, he’d managed to get through it. And all the while, Liam was there. While he was struggling with his own worries and emotions, Liam had come through for him time and time again. It wasn’t what he’d felt for Liam that had been difficult, it had been accepting it.

“Niall?” Liam asked, answering the door and pulling Niall out of his thoughts. “What is it?”

“Can I come in?” Niall asked quickly, because as sure as he felt about Liam, he needed this to happen in private. Not out in the hall for everyone to see.

“Yeah, of course,” Liam said, ushering him into the room and closing the door behind him. “What’s going on? And not to be mean, but I need to have a shower… and you probably do too, you know, just coming off stage and all that.”

“I’ll shower with you,” Niall blurted out, not knowing how to even begin to explain what he was feeling.

Liam looked at Niall oddly. Of all the things for Niall to say after showing up in his room directly after a performance, he certainly hadn’t expected him to say  _that_. Liam felt his heart race. Could Niall have actually made up his mind? “What?”

Niall gulped. There was no turning back now – and he supposed he didn’t really want to turn back. He looked at Liam and felt better. Whatever he was worried about – the other members of the group, the fans, his family… none of that mattered when he looked at him.

And that was exactly the assurance he needed. The normalcy and calmness that being around Liam gave him. That was the reason he was doing this, and that was the reason he knew it was right.

“I’ll shower with you,” he repeated, hoping that Liam understood the true meaning behind those words. “And I’ll lay beside you, and I’ll kiss you and God, Liam,” Niall said, running a hand through his messy hair. “I’ll fucking love you… if I don’t already.”

Liam’s eyes were wide. He couldn’t be sure he was hearing this right. “Are you actually serious?” he asked cautiously. “Because the other day you said…”

“I know,” Niall said quickly, his heart speeding up as he tried to find the right words for what he was feeling. “I know what I said… but I just thought… I didn’t want to wait any longer, Li. Every time I looked at you my heart broke and I finally realized it wasn’t because we’d kissed, it was because we weren’t still kissing.”

Liam very nearly felt tears spring to his eyes at Niall’s words. He’d never known him to be quite so eloquent, but it didn’t matter. “I guess we’ll have to change that, then,” he smiled, inching closer to him.

“Yeah,” Niall replied, his Irish accent thick as he looked up at Liam. His hair was a brown mess on top of his head, his eyes were tired and bright at the same time.

And his lips… Niall had never noticed how full they were before. He stood as tall as he could while Liam leaned down to meet him. Their lips touched slowly, and Liam gently pulled Niall closer, wrapping his arms around the blonde and kissing him more assuredly.

Niall sighed as they pulled away from each other. He reached up and touched Liam’s cheek softly. He felt almost dizzy and the kiss hadn’t even lasted that long.

The last time he’d kissed Liam he’d pulled away and felt horror and confusion. This time he felt warm, safe and completely right.

The smile that played on Niall’s lips nearly brought tears to Liam’s eyes. Not only because this was what he’d been wanting for so long, but because it was clearly completely genuine. It had been so long since Niall had looked truly happy.

He almost wanted to complete the moment by telling Niall he loved him, but he held back. Even though the words had very nearly been said by Niall already, he didn’t want to scare him off by jumping in too quickly.

So instead he just grinned as he kept looking at Niall. “I don’t know what to say,” he admitted.

Niall shook his head. “Neither do I.”

Liam continued grinning as he leaned down to kiss Niall again, this time with more urgency. Niall kissed him back, softly for a second before opening his mouth to let Liam’s tongue enter.

They’d kissed before in the heat of the moment with passion, but it was nothing like this. The sheer moment where they were both so sure that what they were doing was right was unmatched by any other times their lips had met with anything less that sobriety.

Which was ironic, because Liam’s head was certainly spinning.

He pulled away from Niall slightly. “Shower?” he asked breathlessly.

Niall nodded, his lips barely touching Liam’s. He wanted nothing more than to be close to Liam at that moment, and standing naked under a hot stream of water seemed like as good a place as any.

The two of them made their way to the bathroom, stripping off their clothes as they went. As they stepped onto the cold tile of the room, Liam turned towards Niall.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured, touching Niall’s toned shoulder gingerly. He leaned down to kiss him on the cheek before turning on the water.

Niall smiled to himself as he watched Liam. He didn’t know why it hadn’t been this easy before – when it was just the two of them, things were simple. Or at least, they should have been. The difficult part was going to be explaining this to everyone else.

But he didn’t have to worry about that now.

Liam stepped under the water and held out his hand for Niall to take. He led Niall into the shower as well as as soon as he was in, their bodies were pressed together. Beads of water trailed down them, and Niall just clung to Liam for a moment, enjoying the feeling of his skin against Liam’s.

He looked up at Liam, his eyes half closed. He was very nearly in a state of complete autopilot, taking cues from his body without even giving them a second thought. It didn’t take long before their lips were connected again, pressed together with more desire than ever before.

Niall rubbed his hands over Liam’s back as the water sprayed him. He moved his legs around Liam to try and increase pressure on his throbbing cock, but it didn’t quite work.

“Mmph,” Liam grunted, pulling away from Niall as he realized what the blonde was trying to do. “Here.” he gently pushed on Niall’s shoulder to get his back pressed against the other end of the shower wall. He leaned down to kiss Niall’s chest and continued a trail of kisses downward. “Better?”

“Ugh, yeah,” Niall moaned. “Much better, Liam, oh…”

Niall shuddered as Liam took his entire length in his mouth. He squeezed his eyes shut as Liam worked his magic on him. It was obvious that this was all still very new for the both of them, but Niall didn’t really care. As far as he was concerned, this was the best he’d ever had.

Liam didn’t stay down there long, just long enough to get Niall good and riled up. He moved back upwards quickly, pressing his lips against Niall’s and his body as well. Niall clung to Liam as he thrusted against him, slow at first, but quicker as things got more heated.

“Fuck, Liam,” Niall moaned, pulling away from Liam’s kiss and biting down on his bottom lip. His body started to shake and he pressed his hand against the wet shower wall to stabilize himself.

“Yeah Niall,” Liam whispered softly in his ear.

Niall moaned softly as he came, shaking and clinging to Liam as his breath caught up with him. He reached down and grabbed Liam’s member, stroking it quickly as he tried to regain his stability.

“Ugh, Niall,” Liam moaned, gripping the younger boy’s sides with his fingers. “I’m so close…”

Niall pumped faster, kissing Liam’s shoulder as he did so and sending the older boy over the edge.

The two of them clung to each other as their breathing steadied. Niall opened his eyes slightly, surveying the shower. He reached over to the shelf beside them and grabbed a complimentary bottle of body wash. After squeezing some onto his hand, he rubbed Liam’s neck and chest until it became a smooth lather.

Liam smiled, taking the bottle from Niall and doing the same for him, instructing him to turn around so he could clean his back as well.

Niall sighed happily as the two of them washed each other under the warm shower. No words were spoken, and none needed to be. This was exactly how he felt at ease. No worries, no complications. Just him and Liam completely and utterly comfortable with each other and the feelings they knew they shared.

Once they were sufficiently cleaned up and rinsed off, Liam turned the water off and handed Niall a towel. He smiled to himself as the blonde dried himself, first rubbing the nubby fabric over his wet body, and then rapidly drying off his hair.

Niall smiled at Liam as he dried himself off easily, placing the towel back on the rack instead of tossing it on the floor like he’d done. Completely exhausted, the two of them collapsed onto Liam’s bed.

They gazed at each other. Their eyes were barely open, but they were both filled with all the love in the world.

“Goodnight, Liam,” Niall whispered, kissing him softly before snuggling up on top of him.

Liam’s lips curled upwards as he took a deep, relaxing breath. “Goodnight, Nialler.”


	23. Last Night You Saved My Life

Niall woke up the next morning with his body half draped overtop of Liam. His hair was a matted down mess on account of sleeping on it when it was wet, but he didn’t care. He hardly even noticed as he lazily opened his eyes.

Liam continued to sleep, making slight noises as he breathed. Niall smiled and kissed on him the cheek quickly before snuggling up closer to him.

If they never had to leave the hotel room again, he was sure he would be okay with that.

But of course, they were going to have to. It was difficult for Niall to fall asleep again as he thought about that. Eventually, whether they liked it or not, they were going to have to let the others know about their relationship. Though Niall felt content with Liam, and though he knew that was all that truly mattered, the reality of the situation was that telling everyone else wasn’t going to be easy.

He shifted a bit as he thought about it, and it was enough to rise Liam from his slumber.

Liam rubbed his eyes for a moment as he registered what was going on. He felt Niall’s weight on top of him and immediately smiled to himself. Then he quickly remembered they were on a tight schedule – as they always were.

“What time is it?” Liam asked as he opened his eyes slightly, and Niall burst out laughing.

Because of course Liam would only be concerned with the time.

“Class, Payne,” Niall laughed, sitting up. “Here I am, naked with you and all you’re concerned about is the time? Tosser.”

Liam grinned and he pulled Niall back down on top of him. He kissed the blonde softly and looked at him. “That’s not  _all_  I’m concerned with,” he assured him. “It’s just the most pressing matter at the moment.”

“Right,” Niall replied, kissing Liam twice more before continuing. “I don’t actually think it is.”

“Mmph,” Liam said when Niall’s lips were on his again. He used all the willpower he had to push Niall off of him, because they really did have to get up. “We’ve got to get going,” he said regretfully.

Niall nodded, because he was also well aware that Paul would likely be banging on the door if they weren’t in the hotel lobby at the right time. The last thing he wanted was for their relationship to be found out in such a way. “I’ve got to go back to my room and get my stuff,” he said, lacing his fingers with Liam’s.

Liam nodded and tightened his grip around Niall’s hand.

The two boys looked at each other for a moment. It was strange, neither of them wanted to leave the room because once they did they knew what they’d done would become all the more real. Yet, they were both also excited to begin this new chapter of their lives together.

“Is this actually happening?” Liam asked softly.

Niall nodded his head slowly. “I think it is.” He took a deep breath that was laced with nerves. He’d been through so much in the last year, and now he finally felt at peace and happy. He knew that the others would probably just be happy for them, but if he could just hold on to these peaceful feelings for a little longer…

He kissed Liam on the cheek and on the back of his hand before pulling away and hopping off the bed. He glanced around the room for his discarded clothes, pulling them back on as he went.

And Liam just watched him, staying completely speechless. In the best way possible, Niall was acting like everything was normal. Not as though what they’d done was an abomination, but instead was right.

“Liam,” Niall said softly before leaving the room.

“Yeah?”

He breathed a bit. “Can we maybe keep this to ourselves for a bit?” he asked, feeling slightly worried that Liam was going to take it the wrong way. “It’s not that I don’t…” he explained, trailing off so he wouldn’t have to tell Liam he loved him, because even though he’d basically said it the night before it seemed awfully soon for a confession of that magnitude. “It’s just that I want to keep it this way for a little while longer.”

Liam nodded. He knew that the others probably wouldn’t care, judging by the way Louis had reacted. But Niall’s cautiousness was understandable given he hadn’t experienced that. Along with everything else he’d gone through in the past year. “Sure,” he said.

Niall nodded gratefully and walked over to Liam. He kissed him on the lips softly before leaving the room. “Thank you.”

As soon as Liam heard the door click shut he placed his hands over his face. The events of the night before replayed in slow motion in his head. Niall hugging him at the show, Niall showing up unexpectedly at his hotel room door, Niall admitting he actually had feelings for him, Niall kissing him and pressing himself against him in the shower.

_Niall._

Liam groaned, but not in frustration. Just because he simply had to vocalize something, anything, about what was going through his brain. The fact that Niall had finally seemed to give in to whatever feelings he’d had, and in such a way at that.

Liam had never imagined it would go so smoothly. He supposed that it just seemed smooth in comparison – after all, there had been a lot leading up to this point. It took him a few minutes to let it all sink in.

He opened his eyes as his hands fell off his face. He glanced to his side at the rumpled sheets on the bed. Niall’s scent still lingered on them. He sighed with relief and sat up.

This truly was happening, and he couldn’t have felt better about it.

***

Liam rushed downstairs to the lobby only to see that the others were already standing in a circle waiting for him.

His eyes instantly darted towards Niall who looked normal as ever. His blonde hair was hidden underneath a Toronto Blue Jays snapack with just a few wisps poking out from underneath it. His eyes were covered with his black Ray Bans and his face… well, that was the best of all.

It was plastered with his signature smile.

“Morning, lads,” Liam smiled, joining their group.

“Liam!” Louis exclaimed, looking at him and cutting off whatever conversation he was having with Harry. He pointed at his wrist, which actually had no watch on it. “You’re the last one here. Did hell freeze over, did you actually sleep in?”

Liam rolled his eyes, but grinned all the same. “No, just had a bit of a slow start this morning.”

Louis raised his eyebrow but didn’t say anything more, which Liam was thankful for. He tried to catch Niall’s eyes, but it was difficult to do so through his sunglasses.

Niall didn’t miss Liam’s attempt to make eye-contact with him. He continued to laugh at the conversation he was having with Zayn as he glanced at Liam and shot him a quick grin. That was the very reason for the sunglasses – he didn’t want to make it seem like anything was off, and he knew as soon as he saw Liam he wouldn’t be able to stop from smiling.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to focus on Zayn’s story about whatever antics he’d gotten into the night before. He laughed and nodded along in all the right places, but his mind was somewhere else.

Still in Liam’s hotel room from the night before, no doubt. He hadn’t felt that secure in weeks and it was slightly killing him that he couldn’t just walk over to Liam and hug him tightly.

None of the boys probably would have even found it strange if he had, of course. They had always been overly touchy-feely with one another. But Niall still felt uneasy about showing any sort of affection in front of the others – especially since he knew that Louis knew some of the history that had gone on between him and Liam.

He just wasn’t ready to explain it to everyone yet.

“Let’s get moving, lads,” Paul said, interrupting Niall’s thought process. “We’ve got a few hours drive over to Nashville, some press, a soudcheck and a show and not a moment to waste, so let’s get moving.”

The boys obliged as they followed Paul over to their tour bus, which was gassed up and ready to go from the moment the doors shut.

And of course, the moment the doors shut Niall was ushered into the Entertainment Room for a session with Jessica.

He sighed, sitting down on the couch across from her. There were so many things going through his mind and so many things that he felt he should tell her. He didn’t have the faintest idea where to start or how to vocalize them.

Luckily, she was always good at getting the conversation moving.

“It’s been a couple days since we’ve talked, hasn’t it?” she asked in the soothing voice she always had. Niall wasn’t even sure she had any other tone, because that was the same voice she had when he’d caught Harry casually chatting her up.

He just nodded, struggling to find the right words. So much had happened since his last session with her, and yet nothing really had. He’d just figured out what he’d always known. His mind had clicked on, in a way.

And he felt so much better for it.

“Why don’t you tell me about the last couple of days. You did a radio interview, how did that go?”

“Yeah,” Niall shrugged, because that was the easy part. “Good, I suppose.”

“That’s good,” she nodded. “It sounds like you’re really getting back on track.”

He bobbed his head and chewed on his thumb as he looked at her. “Yeah… I think so. I feel a lot better. I…” he trailed off, fiddling with his hands and picking at his fingernails.

She cocked her head to the side slightly as she watched him. “Niall?”

“I uh, had a talk with Liam,” he said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. It was strange how he felt so much more at ease bringing this up with her than his closest friends and bandmates, but he figured that was because she was so far removed from the situation and was under a legal contract to not say anything about it to anyone else.

“Oh?” she asked, her eyes opening a little wider, as though she wanted him to continue. “And how did that go?”

“Yeah,” Niall said, peering out the window as a smile crept up on his face. “It was good. We got a lot of stuff sorted out and…” he took a deep breath, looking at Jessica, unable to stop himself from grinning. “I think… I think we’re going to be together.”

Jessica smiled at him. “I’m really glad you were able to figure out what you wanted,” she said easily. “And you feel comfortable with everything?”

Niall nodded. He supposed he was still a little unsure about the things that were to come – the questions that might come from his friends at home, as well as his family. Him and Liam would have to explain things eventually to the other boys, of course.

But in the case of him and Liam and where just the two of them stood? Nothing was clearer to Niall.

“I do,” he said assuredly. “I feel like… I don’t understand why I was so confused and scared before.” He squinted his eyes and looked at her, hoping she could offer him some kind of explanation.

“Well,” she said, thinking for a moment. “A new relationship, any new relationship can be scary. Especially one with one of your closest friends, who, as you were concerned about last session is a boy. You were going through a lot before, and it’s definitely a lot of new feelings to deal with.”

Niall took a moment to absorb that. He supposed she was right – it was all very scary, especially in the throws of his depression and shock over what had happened with Alicia. It had all been too much for him to deal with in his usual way of coping with things by ignoring them.

But he vowed to no longer do that. It had nearly gotten him killed, after all, and he wasn’t eager on dying anytime soon. Not when he had so much to live for.

“Niall,” Jessica said gently, bringing him back to the conversation at hand. “I know you’re feeling better, and that’s great. But I’d still really like to keep having sessions with you. Just to make sure you continue on this path. Would that be okay?”

Niall nodded. It was more than okay – and when he hadn’t really seen the value in talking to someone about his thoughts and problems before, he certainly did now. “Yeah,” he said. “I’d like that.”

Jessica smiled at him. “Me too.”

Niall glanced out the window of the bus again as it chugged along the highway. He smiled, feeling much more hopeful about the future and the rest of the tour.


	24. Breathe

Once the show that night was over, Niall found himself in Liam’s hotel room once again. Tangled in the sheets was just the two of them together.

He was certain he’d never felt love like this before.

“Liam,” he sighed, his chest heaving as he came down from his high. Every inch of his body felt alive as Liam clung to him.

“Hmmm…” Liam sighed from underneath him, rubbing Niall’s back slightly.

“I’m so happy,” he said simply, using every ounce of the energy he had left to push himself upwards and kiss Liam’s lips.

Liam kissed him back, albeit lazily since he too was completely exhausted.

The two of them drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms silently, just as they had the night before. Just as the planned to every night going forward. It was easily becoming the best part of their days, and neither of them seemed to mind that it was their little secret. After all, it wasn’t difficult for Niall to slip into Liam’s room after the shows.

It would have been completely inconspicuous too, had they not fallen asleep without forgetting to set an alarm.

“Late two days in a row, what has gotten into you?!”

Liam’s eyes fluttered open the next morning at the sound of banging on his hotel room door. Niall awoke too, rolling off of Liam slightly and rubbing his eyes.

“Mmph, what’s goin’ on?” he asked as he began to wake up.

“Louis,” Liam said slightly irritably. “That’s what goin’ on,” he smiled a bit, mocking Niall’s accent.

Niall would have rolled his eyes and smacked Liam with a pillow if fear hadn’t been shooting through his body. If Louis was there then he was going to catch them in the act, and he was going to put it all together.

Suddenly, Niall didn’t feel so much at ease.

“What’s he doing here?” Niall asked, almost in a panic. As much as he was feeling good about things with Liam, this wasn’t how he wanted the others to find out. Not by accident, not by walking in on them, not by finding him naked in Liam’s hotel room, for God’s sake!

He jumped off the bed and scrambled to find his clothes.

“Will you get out here already, Paul’s pitching a fit!” Louis called through the door. “And he wants to know where Niall is, because we tried his room and he’s not in there.”

“Shit, shit, shit…” Niall muttered, struggling to pull his clothes on.

Liam glanced over at Niall and sighed. So much for the secrecy of their relationship going smoothly. He pulled his boxers on and opened the door. “Morning,” he said as he looked down at Louis. If he wasn’t so concerned with Niall in the background, he probably would have laughed. It was rare that Louis was the one running around keeping them all in line.

Liam supposed that was his job, and since he obviously wasn’t doing it Louis had to pick up the slack. After all, it wasn’t like Harry or Zayn would have any of that. They probably didn’t even know what was going on.

“Ah,” Louis said, peering past Liam into the room. “You’re both here then. Good. Get dressed and let’s get going before Paul sends out the search party for me.”

Niall pulled his t-shirt on over his head and looked at Louis and Liam. The two of them were silent, and in fact Niall was sure the only noise in the room was the pounding of his heart in his chest. “Louis,” he said quickly, not knowing how to defend himself, but thinking he should probably say something to rectify this awkward situation.

“Just get downstairs in five minutes,” Louis said, shaking his head. “Don’t worry about it.”

With that, Louis was gone. Liam shut the door and glanced at Niall. He was still breathing heavily but at least he appeared to be calming down. “Are you alright?” he asked, walking slowly over to him and cupping the blonde’s face lightly with his hands.

Niall nodded, feeling much more at ease at Liam’s touch. “Yeah,” he said. “I’m alright. Just startled, is all.”

“You heard what Louis said,” Liam said softly, kissing the top of Niall’s head. “Don’t worry about it.”

Given the circumstances, Niall didn’t know how that was possible. Louis had clearly realized exactly what he’d walked in on. Then again, Louis had known about everything else up to that point and hadn’t appeared to have said anything to the others, so Niall felt he really should have been thanking his lucky stars it wasn’t Zayn or Harry who had come knocking.

“Right,” Niall said, forcing a smile. It was easy for him to pretend that everything was easy when he simply shut the outside world out. Of course, he’d made a pact with himself not to do that anymore, so he figured he was just going to have to deal with things as they came. “I won’t.”

Liam smiled as he pulled away from Niall and picked up the rest of the clothes off the floor. “Good. I’m glad.”

It was six minutes (to be exact) before Niall and Liam met up with the others in the lobby. Louis glanced up at them and simply nodded a quick hello before going back to whatever was occupying him on his phone.

Liam looked down at Niall with a smile, as if to assure him that there really was nothing to worry about. Niall, however, avoided Liam’s gaze. Standing in the middle of the hotel lobby was certainly not his ideal setting for having everyone figure out what was going on.

No, he promised himself, that would have to be done in a much more private area.

He only half listened as Paul listed off their activities for the day. There was nothing that exciting, just a quick drive off to the next venue, some press, a soundcheck, and of course the concert that evening. It was all very routine, which Niall actually found quite settling. At least there was a shred of normalcy in what had been an all around very weird and nerve-inducing morning.

***

“I swear to God,” Harry said, leaning back in his chair as the boys sat backstage in the catering area later that afternoon. “If I get asked what my favourite song is to perform again, I think I’ll scream.”

“You’ll scream?” Louis repeated, raising his eyebrows. “Like a little girl?” he giggled.

“Yes Lou,” Harry said with a slight roll of his eyes. “Like a little girl.”

Louis shrugged. “Just making sure.”

Niall smiled to himself as he downed the food on his plate. As usual there was an assortment of food for the boys to choose from backstage, and as usual he stuck with his plate of chicken and french fries.

“I just don’t understand why they can’t come up with some more original questions,” Harry sighed, leaning backwards in his chair again and kicking his feet underneath the table. “You’d think that since our fans literally watch every single interview that they’d know all this stuff already.”

The rest of the boys shrugged. Even though Harry wasn’t wrong, there wasn’t really much to add to his musings. Plus they were already tired out from their long day, and they still had a performance to get to that evening.

“At least they’re not really digging deep into our personal lives anymore,” Zayn reasoned, glancing at the others. “Because for a while there it was getting really bad.”

Harry shrugged, and Niall just sat around awkwardly. He knew a large part of the reason for the media’s prying into their personal lives was because of him and his very public relationship mess. He shifted a bit, stuffing a fry into his mouth and staying overly silent.

Liam looked over at him and sighed. It wasn’t hard for him to tell where Niall’s mind had gone. He placed a conforming hand on Niall’s knee, trying to assure him that it was really okay.

This action was just met with Niall jumping up quickly from the table. Liam backed off right away, not even realizing what he’d done. The boundaries of their relationship were still unclear to him, especially since that kind of thing had been fine before. Before – when they were just friends and there were no feelings and secrecy complicating the situation, that is.

The others turned to look at him when he jumped up. Not only was it completely out of character, it came from seemingly out of nowhere.

“Uh,” Niall said, looking at them and realizing that if he’d have just left it alone no one would have paid it any attention. He mentally berated himself for being so stupid and paranoid. “I just… I’m goin’ to the bathroom,” he said dumbly, walking off.

The others eyed each other but shrugged it off. Over the past few months, they were used to Niall’s odd behaviour anyway. They couldn’t expect him to do a complete one-eighty back to how he’d once been.

Liam sighed, feeling guilty but deciding it was best not to go follow him. Instead he picked at his food and gave a quick look at Louis.

Louis just raised his eyebrows and sighed. He quickly stood up and went off in the direction of the bathroom, clearly intent on following Niall and finding out what was wrong.

This was unbeknownst to Niall as he stood in the washroom over the sink, splashing cold water on his face. He didn’t even know why he was acting like such a fool. It wasn’t a big deal, he knew it wasn’t, and he wasn’t sure why exactly he was making a mountain out of a molehill.

“Niall?” Louis asked gently, opening the door and walking into the room.

Niall looked over at him and gulped. He supposed he should have known that their secret was going to come out much sooner rather than later, given how close the entire group was.

“You alright, mate?”

Niall nodded, but he didn’t say anything. So much for facing his problems head on.

Luckily, Louis had that covered.

“Look, I’m just going to come right out and say it, because I’m sick of all this pussyfooting around. I know what’s going on with you and Liam.”

Again, Niall nodded. “Yeah, I know. He told me that he told you.”

Louis shook his head as he stepped closer to Niall. “Not just that stuff, but I know what’s going on with you two now. And maybe it’s because I know the history of it, but it’s not really hard to see, you know?”

Niall shrugged, because he figured he and Liam had been doing a pretty good job of keeping things secret. If he had just let the touch go…

“I’m glad you two got it figured out, really I am,” Louis said, gently touching Niall’s shoulder. Niall didn’t flinch at all, because that was a completely normal thing for  _Louis_  to do. “But don’t you think it would be easier if you just told Harry and Zayn?”

Niall knew that it probably would be easier, but every time he pictured himself telling Harry and Zayn that he and Liam were dating and that Liam was his boyfriend he got a terrified lump in his throat. Because what if they didn’t react as easily as he thought they would? What if they were completely against it and thought that it would disrupt the band?

Which is exactly what he told Louis, in no uncertain terms.

Louis just rolled his eyes as though Niall was being completely ridiculous. “Niall,” he said seriously. “You don’t think the band has already been disrupted through all of this? And really, you don’t think that we’re strong enough to deal with the fact that you and Liam are together? Think about that for a second.”

And Niall did. He thought about how much they’d already been through together and how much they’d already accomplished. They’d always been there for each other through thick and thin. Hell, he’d been so sure that they despised him after all of his Alicia drama, but they’d proven that they still loved him and cared about him just as much as ever.

So really, what was he afraid of?

“You’re right,” Niall sighed, turning to face Louis.

“Well of course I’m right,” Louis said cheekily, pulling Niall in for a hug. “So will you and Liam just tell the others already? At least just Harry and Zayn, because you know how Harry feels when he’s been out of the loop,” he said with a slight cock of his head.

Niall laughed. At the very least, he knew that all too well. “Alright,” he said with a nod, and maybe a tinge of nervousness that was barely there anymore. “I’ll have to clear it with Liam, but we’ll tell them after the show tonight.”

Louis ruffled Niall’s hair with a smile. “There’s a good lad.”


	25. Come What May

As luck would have it, there was no time for Niall to catch Liam alone before the show after his conversation with Louis. In fact, once the two of them returned from the bathroom they were whisked away by wardrobe to get ready for the show and right away after that it was curtain time.

At least the show gave Niall an outlet for all his pent up restlessness. It wasn’t that he was nervous about telling the others – well, that wasn’t entirely true. He was nervous, but it was just the act that was scaring him, not necessarily how they would react.

Plus he knew he was going to have to clear it with Liam first, and while he was sure Liam would be fine with it (after all, Niall himself had been the one to suggest keeping it a secret in the first place) it still worried him a little.

But that adrenaline poured into his performance, and he was as energetic as ever on stage. The fans ate it up of course. This was probably the first show this tour that he was truly back to his stage persona Niall self – jumping around through the fast paced songs, playing his guitar with sass and clinging to the other guys.

It felt good to be back to normal. He’d taken that for granted before, but now he truly understood how important being comfortable in his own skin was.

Two hours later, the pyrotechnics were going off and the five boys were running for their tour bus like their lives depended on it. They were whisked into it as fast as possible before it took off back to the hotel.

Niall sat as close to Liam as he could on the tour bus. He was very nearly in his lap but figured he might as well just sit still and wait until they were all able to privately be in a room together before outing their relationship.

“Hey lads?” Niall asked, taking a deep breath. They all turned to look at him, breathing heavily and coming down from their post-show highs. “Uh, could we all have a quick band meeting in my hotel room after we all have a chance to shower and stuff?” He knew that he needed to check with Liam first, but he figured if Liam decided against telling the others, he could just make something up.

Louis smiled at him and nodded. Harry and Zayn sort of looked at him a bit strangely, but quickly nodded as well.

Liam looked down at him, and Niall felt his breath catch in his throat a little. He quickly recovered when he remembered that this was _Liam_ and if anyone knew exactly what it was he was thinking, he would be that person.

“Of course, Nialler,” Liam said easily.

Niall smiled and looked around at the others. “Thanks,” he said in his thick Irish accent.

“T’anks,” Harry imitated him, and the others bust out into a fit of giggles.

Yes, it seemed that things were well on their way back to being normal.

***

There was a soft knock at Niall’s door not fifteen minutes later. Niall quickly pulled a t-shirt on over his damp skin, wondering who it could be that was arriving first along with silently praying it was Liam.

Of course it was.

“Hey, Li,” Niall said quickly, once he opened the door and allowed him into the room.

Liam wasted no time enveloping Niall in a hug and kissing him deeply. Niall shuddered, ready to respond with more kisses before he remembered that the others were going to be along soon.

“So,” Liam said, pulling away slightly for a moment, and then pacing a bit around the room. “You decided to tell them after all?”

“Uh, yeah,” Niall said slightly awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. “I hope that’s alright. I had a conversation with Louis and-”

Liam laughed a little. It was so like Niall to be so rash at one moment, and then second guessing himself the next. “It’s fine, Niall. It was you who wanted to keep it a secret this whole time, remember? I never had a problem with it.”

Niall nodded, breathing a slight sigh of relief. Liam was simply confirming what he already knew – there was no issue at hand. He was fine with the others knowing about their relationship.

So, Niall and Liam sat down on the edge of the hotel bed, impatiently waiting for the others to arrive. It didn’t take long – first Zayn showed up, followed by Louis, and eventually Harry.

“Sorry I’m late,” Harry said, swooping his mop of wet hair to the side. “There was this girl who was texting me and well… let’s be quick about this, yeah?”

Louis rolled his eyes, but he didn’t say anything. Instead he just looked up at Niall and Liam, waiting for them to spill the news that he was already well aware of.

Liam glanced over at Niall, giving him the signal that he was the one who could make the official announcement. Niall took a deep breath as he stood up, looking down at the others. Liam was waiting patiently on the bed, Louis was laying behind him. Zayn was sitting in the desk chair and Harry was lounging lazily in the couch in the corner.

All eyes were on him, and the moment was now.

“Right so,” Niall said, eyeing each of them individually before finally stopping on Louis. It was easier for him to talk to him, after all, since they’d already discussed it earlier. “Liam and I, me and Liam… we’ve decided to take our relationship to the next level.”

Louis smiled, whereas Zayn and Harry just looked slightly confused.

“We’re dating,” Liam clarified, unable to hide the ever-growing grin on his face.

“Yeah, right,” Niall nodded. “Dating,” he repeated, liking the sound of that a lot more than whatever clumsy words had just fallen out of his mouth.

Harry raised his eyebrow. “That’s what you brought us here for?” he asked.

“Well, yeah,” Niall nodded, as though it was obvious. He was expecting a bit more of a reaction, to be perfectly honest. Even if it was a good one. “I thought it warranted at least some kind of band meeting.”

Zayn shrugged. “I suppose it did,” he said. “But really, it’s not that much of a surprise. You two have always been close. If anything, I’m sort of surprised it didn’t happen sooner.”

Louis sat up and crossed his arms over his chest, stifling a little bit of a laugh.

“What?” Liam asked, looking over at him slightly irritably.

“Sorry,” Louis said, still grinning. “It’s just that Niall was so concerned about all of this, and like I said, it really wasn’t a big deal at all. Nothing’s even changed.”

“Yeah,” Harry said slowly, eyeing Liam, and then looking back up at Niall. “Don’t get us wrong, we’re really happy for you and all. It’s just… not exactly breaking news. I mean, Liam’s not exactly subtle.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Liam asked, this time more irritably.

“Exactly what I said,” Harry shrugged. “You think just because you and Niall were close that the rest of us aren’t? We can read you like a book, and right now, the title of your book is _I’m In Love With Niall Horan_ a memoir of the past two years by Liam Payne.”

Even Niall had to giggle at that, half because Harry was completely right, and half because he hoped to God it was true that Liam’s feelings were as deep as Harry was implying.

As if there were any shadow of a doubt.

“So, it’s fine then?” Niall clarified, looking around at all of them. “There’s no weirdness with the band or anything?”

Louis, Zayn and Harry glanced at each other, but quickly shook their heads. “No,” Zayn said, as though Niall’s comment was utterly ridiculous. “The only weirdness in the group was when… well, you know. I’d say this is the least of our problems from the last year.”

Niall breathed a sigh of relief as the other boys got up from their seats. Louis put his hand on Niall’s shoulder and rubbed it comfortingly. Niall smiled at him as though to give him confirmation, once again, that he was right. Liam move in front of Niall and hugged him tightly, and just as he did this the other boys joined in.

The five of them embraced silently for a few moments in a group hug that secured their bond as a group, and more importantly, as friends.

***

There was a cool breeze that filtered in through Liam’s hotel room as Niall slid open the glass doors to the balcony. He sat down quietly on the bench next to Liam and rested his head on his shoulder.

Liam sighed with content at Niall’s touch. It was late and it had been a long day. He was well aware that they had an early start the next morning and should probably be heading to bed. Even though he would have much rather just sat with Niall the entire night, being responsible was both one of his best and worst qualities.

“Hmmm…” Liam said, reaching up and running a hand through Niall’s hair, which was damp with a mix of water and sweat. “We should probably be off to bed.”

Niall nodded slightly, but made no motion to move. “Just a few more minutes.”

Liam could hardly argue with that, especially when Niall had asked so softly and sweetly. As though everything was right in the world – and who was he to take that away from Niall? After all, it was the very feeling he’d been trying to give him all along.

He smiled to himself as he realized he’d finally accomplished that. Of course, it wasn’t just through his own efforts. Niall himself had obviously worked hard to overcome his issues and that was something Liam was far more happy about.

“I’m proud of you, Ni,” Liam said softly, still slightly tousling Niall’s hair with his fingertips.

Niall glanced up at him with a slightly look of confusion. “For what? Telling the others?”

Liam shook his head. He supposed that was part of it, but it definitely wasn’t the big picture. “No… I mean, yeah, but that’s not all. You’ve been through so much, and now you’re back to the way you were. You overcame so much, Niall.”

Niall smiled, leaning even closer to Liam. His boyfriend’s words resonated with him. It was true – he had been through a lot and back again. It had been a hard road getting there, but he’d come through the other end with a new clarity on himself and an important life lesson.

He wished it hadn’t come at such a cost, of course, but life wasn’t without its hardships, and he understood that now.

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Niall murmured softly, nuzzling his head into Liam’s strong arm. “You saved me, Liam,” he said seriously, looking up at him and gazing into his eyes.

Liam just smiled. He didn’t argue with Niall, even though he fully believed that Niall had done just as much for him as he had done for him. “I’m happy you’re happy again,” he said finally.

“I am,” Niall said honestly, cuddling up to Liam once more and staring out onto the skyline of the city. “I really am.”


	26. Epilogue

_“United Airlines Flight UA44 to London, England is preparing for pre-boarding. All passengers…”_

The announcement rang over the intercom as the boys waited at their gate to fly back to England. With their American tour complete, it was time for them to go back home and start on another round of promotion for their next album.

It was an endless cycle, but they loved every minute of it.

Niall sighed, standing up from his seat and stretching out. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and turned to Jessica, who was waiting with them at their gate.

She smiled at him. “I guess you’d better get in line.”

Niall shrugged, but then he nodded. He’d never really understood the rush of getting in line to board the plane first – it wasn’t like the plane was going to take off before all the passengers in the line had boarded. If anything, he’d rather be one of the last people to be on the plane – especially if he was going to be on it for twelve hours at a time.

Still, he waited just a second longer. Instead of moving to get into the line he pulled Jessica in for a hug. She smiled and laughed a little, but quickly hugged him back.

“Thank you,” he said softly. “For everything.”

“I didn’t do anything, Niall,” she said sincerely. “I just helped you get where you needed to go. You’re the one who did all the work, not me.”

Niall shrugged again, not really believing that. Even if he was the one who had sorted all his problems out, she was the one who had listened and prodded him to move forward when he felt stagnant. He felt like a completely different person than he had the last time he was waiting at an airport gate, and that was in no small part thanks to her guidance.

Liam walked up behind Niall and slung his arm around his boyfriend’s shoulders. “Just take the compliment,” he said with a wink, looking up at Jessica. “He’ll never let it go otherwise.”

Jessica laughed again as she looked at the boys. “Alright,” she obliged, grinning at them. “Thank you, and you’re welcome, I guess,” she added cheekily.

Liam glanced back at the gate. There was still a long line-up of people waiting to get on the plane – which meant they still had a couple more minutes. “Back to Indiana, then?” Liam asked her.

She nodded. “Yeah, it’ll be good to get home. But I’ll miss seeing you guys every day, that’s for sure. These last couple of months have been an adventure.”

Niall couldn’t agree more with that. “That’s for sure.”

_“This is the final call for pre-boarding for United Airlines flight UA44 to London, England. At this time we ask that all Economy class passengers start lining up on the left-hand side.”_

Liam sighed, looking back at the line once again. “I guess we should get moving,” he said, watching as the rest of the group began to line up at the last second – as usual.

Jessica nodded, and the two boys leaned in to hug her one last time. “Have a safe flight home, boys,” she said as she pulled away. “And if you need anything, you know where to reach me,” she added, looking at Liam, and then down at Niall.

Niall nodded with a soft smile. “I do, thanks. You have a safe flight back as well.”

“Thanks,” she said.

Niall pulled her in for another quick hug before they quickly waved goodbye. He laced his fingers with Liam’s as they stepped into the pre-boarding line (which was very quickly being taken over by the Economy line.)

“Looking forward to getting home?” Liam asked, glancing down at his ticket and then over at Niall.

“Hmmm…” was all Niall said as they shifted their way towards the plane.

Truth be told, he didn’t care where he was going. As long as he and Liam were together.


End file.
